A Long Overdue Goodbye

I haven't posted here since June. I started a long, sentimental goodbye post in the fall, but then I got distracted. So here I am.

The short version:

I'm officially done writing on this blog and officially done reading comments. If you want to check out more of my writing, see my column at Beneath The Tangles, where I write about anime and Christianity alongside a great team of fellow Christian anime fans.

The not-so-short version: 

I started this blog in May 2008. I was a freshman in high school, not even 15 years old yet. A lot has changed in the past 7.6 years. I started to struggle with depression and anxiety and continued to struggle with them until after I graduated high school in 2011. I was a train wreck, so I took a year off before college—which I started in the fall of 2012, as a math education major.

After trying various classes and thinking through my talents and dreams, I became a creative writing major at the end of 2013 (creative writing—stories and poems—is the reason I started this blog in the first place, but I later doubted that writing could have a big place in my life). Earlier in 2013, I started my first weekly column, and I generally kept to my blogging schedule here until I started a column at Beneath the Tangles in February 2015.

About a month ago, in December 2015, I graduated from college with a major in Creative Writing and a minor in Biblical Studies. I didn't get a ceremony yet—I'm walking with my classmates in the spring—but I've completed my undergraduate studies.

It's time to officially move on from Annalyn's Thoughts. But to what?

I'm still aniblogging. I post weekly at Beneath the Tangles—my column is called Annalyn's Corner. I love being part of the staff there. You can hear some of the reasons why in the latest podcast, if you want—it's easy to identify my voice, since the other four ladies at BtT weren't able to participate.

The links over on the "Connect with Me" page are still valid, too (as of this post, at least), so you can find me on Tumblr and Twitter if you want. I'm not sure what I'm going to do about my Facebook page for this blog. I might keep it going, just so I have a way to connect with Facebook folk and share my BtT blog posts without using my main account. We'll see.

Annalyn's Thoughts will always be dear to me, full of precious memories—like a combination of a physical location and a journal. I did a lot of growing up here, gained a lot of confidence, learned a lot... Someday, I may start a new blog. But I think it's important that, should that happen, it's a fresh start.

To those who have read my blog up until now: Thank you! I've really appreciated your support. It means a lot to me that you've taken time to read my writing and even comment on occasion. Thank you for your kind words over the years. Those of you who have commented are a part of some dear memories here, so special thanks to you.

Writing Fantasy: Learning from a Younger Me

This post started as a Facebook status. I got shamefully distracted writing it, but I think I just helped myself a lot. If you snoop around this blog long enough, you'll find evidence (even excerpts) of all three of the complete stories I mention here.

(TL;DR at end)

Writing a Fantasy...

Age 14: "So there's this kind, shy, princess who eventually gets kidnapped, and two guys (her best friend and a foreign prince) work to rescue her... but first, let's get a smaller conflict in there, to introduce the characters..."

(Less than a year later, the story was finished at 65,000 words. I developed cultural stuff as necessary, mostly so I wouldn't forget what I'd imagined. It was just structured make believe. I wrote what I wanted to experience.)

Age 14 to 15: "This seems like a cool place to start: A captive loner with special powers and a social, generous guy who turns out to be a prince. They'll start a revolution... These characters are funny together... this is great, like playing make believe!"

(Started prologue in May, finished 50,000-word manuscript in October same year, with no deadlines or pressure. Developed characters and political climate as necessary and conducted some research on weaponry.)

Age 17: "Okay, this is a fun story idea. Let's play with some stereotypes, just for fun!"

(Finished 130,000 words age 18, a year and nine months later, much more serious than when I began... It was set in our world, so I only had to work on developing a subculture, not a complete culture.)

Now, Age 21: "This idea could be cool... alright, I've got a few short character bios down, and I don't think they're too flat. Their relationships aren't too boringly stereotypical, are they? What's the agricultural situation? Climate? Uh-oh, I don't know this kingdom's religious or moral history. The culture needs more roots. Do I want to use our months and days, or does this world need a different calendar? Should I base it, at least loosely, around a particular culture and date the weapons and clothing accordingly? But I don't have time to research that right now... Oh snap. WHAT HAVE I GOTTEN MYSELF INTO?" (Started playing with ideas January, started rough draft last week, complete screenplay due end of April)

Actually, remembering how I wrote as a young teen helps me. Sure, looking back, the political and social structures could use some help, but that meant that I could focus on the characters and their main conflict. I didn't get distracted from that, and I had fun with the story. Was the plot itself fairly typical? Yeah. But the internal development in one of the characters worked pretty well, if I do say so myself, especially considering I was just 15 and undeveloped myself. My writing was immature, but I understood the basics about story development even then. I need to forget about the audience in my professor and classmates and just let myself play again.  

TL;DR

- As a young teen: "Yay fantasy, let's play with magic, adventure, and charming boys!"

- As 21-year-old creative writing student: SNAP. WHAT HAVE I GOTTEN MYSELF INTO?!

- Wait, maybe young me had the right idea after all. Relax, write, and stop to brainstorm when necessary. You can go back and change things if you discover new things about your characters and the culture. Stop thinking about your professor and classmates and just play a bit, okay?

If I could write a novel at 14 years old, complete with all the basic structure of a decent story (albeit immature in content, character understanding, and writing style), then with my maturing skills, I can write a screenplay up to snuff for an undergraduate class... yes, even a fantasy screenplay.

Post at Beneath the Tangles: Aiming for the Championships

I've begun my column at Beneath the Tangles! We're calling it "Annalyn's Corner." Yeah, I know—the name choice isn't a stellar example of creativity. But I like corners, both real and metaphorical. They're comfortable and make great thinking spots. And sometimes people join me in my corners, and that's nice, too.

My first post is called "Aiming for the Championships." I want to aim high in many things, especially how I approach my faith. I'm inspired by sports anime characters, but there's one problem: I don't have their kind of focus. As I wrote this post, I asked, “How the blazes am I supposed to be a faithful, disciplined anything when the only thing I manage to do consistently is be late?”

Between sports anime and the Bible, I think I found the beginning of an answer. At the very least, I've felt a bit encouraged.

Update and Rambling

On Friday, at the end of my Rewind post, I mentioned that I was writing a post for Beneath the Tangles. It went up yesterday. I just realized that I've linked to it on Facebook, Twitter, and Tumblr... but not here. So, allow me to remedy that:

Kuroko's Basketball and Imitating Christ

I still haven't begun my column, but that, too, will come earlier than I originally planned. 

I have a lot of ideas rolling around my head and journal relating Kurobas and to sports anime in general. I'll try to break from that theme before long. I want BtT readers to know I do have a more well-rounded taste in anime... it's just that my time is limited, and I'm excited about Kuroko's Basketball right now. If I think about something long enough, either I bring it into the depths of my mind and heart, to mingle with faith and studies, or I grow bored and abandon it. Obviously, Kurobas fits into the first class. 

But, for now, I must force my brain away from aniblogging and focus on studying. I have a lot of reading to catch up on, among other things. I've already spent some time today reading Jane Eyre, and I can hear Bronte's style echo in my mind. Her affect on my word choice may wear off soon, but I suspect it will affect the mood of my fictional writing for the duration of the semester, at the very least—and probably longer.

Announcement: I'm Joining Beneath the Tangles!

Hey there, folks!

Next month, I'm going to start writing regularly for Beneath the Tangles. I am really excited about this. Seriously, you should have seen me walking around during the last couple days. Between agreeing to write for Beneath the Tangles and thinking about Kuroko's Basketball, I have been doing a lot of smiling... and giggling... and talking to any friend or family member who will listen.

I've written guests posts for Beneath the Tangles before, and in September, I even participated in their podcast. But this time, I'm signing on as a staff writer. I'll have a column (possibly biweekly, but I'm planning on weekly), and I'll be able to write at other times throughout the week as I have the time and inspiration. 

What does this mean for Annalyn's Thoughts? 

I'm going to shift my focus from this blog to Beneath the Tangles. My posts there will take priority. I will not abandon this blog entirely, but my regular Rewind/Swamped posts won't be as regular anymore. Eventually, they might trickle to a stop. It's not reasonable to expect myself to keep a schedule on two blogs... not if I want to maintain my GPA and sanity.  

What, exactly, will you write there?

I'm not bringing "Rewind" and "Swamped" over there, but other than that, it will be similar to what I write here. I'll write about anime and be myself while I do so... Though I'll probably take a little more time to edit, and I'll actually plan ahead. The change of scene will affect my topics a bit, but overall? I'm me, and anime is anime. 

When do the changes begin? 

Our plan is for me to start my column at Beneath the Tangles by the last week of February. That means there's still almost a month before things really start to change. I'll remind you, both here and on social media, when the time comes. In the meantime, I will continue my Friday(ish) posts here.

Why are you so excited about this?

First, because Beneath the Tangles, and TWWK/Charles in particular, encouraged and influenced me when I started aniblogging. Second, I admire the way TWWK and the rest engage online anime fans, both Christians and non-Christians, in conversation. I have been on the receiving end of that ministry. It's long been my prayer that, somehow, God could use my writings to minister to others to even a fraction of the extent that Beneath the Tangles has. So, obviously, I'm beyond excited and honored to step onto this blogging platform and write alongside my brothers and sisters in Christ.

A longer answer: 

I can't imagine aniblogging without knowing about Beneath the Tangles. When I tell offline folk about what I do online, and why it's important to me, Beneath the Tangles inevitably comes up. It shows up in my essays, too—even one for Literary Criticism, since I practiced critiquing (analyzing and interacting with) anime long before I thought about critiquing written literature. 

When I was seventeen, just beginning to explore the community of online anime fans, I started to write reviews and blog posts on Anime-Planet. I used what other people wrote on Anime-Planet as reference, and I learned a lot. But other A-P reviews didn't encourage me to bring my faith into how I thought about anime. I was starting to connect anime and my faith in my journalling time, but I was ready to for more. That's when I met TWWK in the A-P forums and started following Beneath the Tangles. 

TWWK was the first person I found to model a Christian approach to anime and the online community. My pastors never brought up anime, forums, or blogs when they reached the application part of their sermons. My parents, who were (and still are) two of my most important models for the Christian walk, weren't online in the same way I was. I had to apply Biblical concepts to my new hobbies on my own. It wasn't entirely impossible, but it wasn't ideal, either. We are meant to work out our faith in community, to support each other, and to teach each other through both action and word. As a teen and a new aniblogger, I needed encouragement and examples. TWWK and Beneath the Tangles provided that. Plus, I discovered other Christian-based aniblogs through Beneath the Tangles. 

Over the past four years, I've watched Beneath the Tangles grow. The site gained more bloggers, each bringing their own valuable insight to the table. The ministry extended across other media, too, such as Tumblr. Last August, Japesland, one of BtT's bloggers, started hosting "The Tangles" podcast once a month. Throughout all the changes, the folks at Beneath the Tangles continue to speak truth and love. I know I'm not the only one who has been both encouraged and challenged by what they have to say.

So yeah, that's why I'm so excited to join Beneath the Tangles. 

Readers, thank you for sticking around. I know some of you just started reading my blog in the last couple months. The fact that you spend time reading my posts means a lot to me. I appreciate every one of you, and I've enjoyed connecting with each of you as you've commented or otherwise reached out to me. I'll keep posting something here at Annalyn's Thoughts, and I hope you'll stick with me through this transition. If you haven't already checked out Beneath the Tangles, then don't wait for my first post! You'll find a lot of great posts and resources over there, and I encourage you to check them out.

When the Swamp Clouds my Mind

I forgot to post last night. Now, I could do a normal Swamped post. I could try to spit out a Rewind post really quickly and then get to homework. Instead, I think I'll share some of what I've been pondering and writing lately. I started writing this earlier this week, and sharing it will help me feel accountable to follow up with action.

You've seen me say "I'm swamped" before. But that's becoming more than a figure of speech, and turning into a perfect analogy for my muddied state of mind (more muddied than usual, I mean). Thus, I need some self-examination.

I nearly marathoned Meganebu!, Daily Lives of High School Boys, and a dark reverse harem over the space of a few days. I reminded myself of my last two years of high school, when I watched well over two month's worth of anime. Those were dark years for multiple reasons, and I felt an echo of them when I cuddled in bed, ignoring homework and my messy room as I binge-watched anime that made me laugh… and anime that made me feel horror.

From the end of Daily Lives of High School Boys, episode 12. This
is their take on the running-late-to-school-with-toast-in-your-mouth
trope. Personally, I prefer microwavable breakfast sandwiches or, if
I'm really even later than usual, a spoonful of peanut butter.

It’s one thing to take a break from responsibilities for a bit, to refresh. But, just like in high school, I was seeking joy and freedom in the wrong place. The "joy" I find watching Daily Lives didn't help me in my own daily life. So when I looked up from homework and realized the beautiful weather stirred nothing but cynicism, I stopped what I was doing and grabbed my journal.

I’m feeling echoes of how I was four years ago. Thankfully, I’m more aware of myself now. I have a little Squad of Depression Monitors in me. They often team up with the Anxiety Patrol. My lethargy, binge-watching, and melancholy feelings set off some quiet alarms, and the Anti-Depression Squad set out to investigate.

Am I depressed? No. But I’m not so proud as to believe I’m immune from depression just because we beat it in the past. And my habits are becoming less healthy. I can’t brush it off as “typical college student” behavior and expect to be okay. So when my Anti-Depression Squad recognized gateway signs, it also advised a change of action.

First, I examined my emotional balance. Was there an unusual amount of melancholy? There was, so I examined it before dismissing it. Dismissing an emotion without finding its source is like plucking the head off a weed and leaving the root: the weed will still live, its roots taking over the soil while the head grows back, stronger than ever. This time, the root of my melancholy didn't go too deep. But it was worth looking into.

Second, I read Psalm 136, my favorite psalm. My perspective on life was getting dark and twisted. The sun, which usually makes me smile and thank the Lord, didn't help this time. When I examined my mood and what was going on in my life, I realized that what I felt did not sync with reality. The best remedy? Read truth. So I turned to the Psalms. When I finished reading and praying, I felt a little more in sync with the world.

Honestly, I have not been journalling and reading my Bible as much as I should. I'm not saying this just because daily devotions are the "good Christian thing" to do. I'm saying this because the swamp in my schedule is flooding my mind and heart. Journalling helps me organize and clean my mind. It forces me to look at the root of my anxious or melancholy feelings and keep them from becoming destructive. If my thoughts are getting twisted or out of sync with reality, journalling exposes that. And reading the Bible helps me replace twisted thinking with true thinking. Praying is an important element, too, because I can't keep myself healthy or grow spiritually without God's help (plus, I can tell him anything without worrying what he thinks, so it's always good to spend time with him).

So, once I've posted this, I'm going to get out my journal and make sure my head's on straight. I don't have time or mental energy for much, but any time writing and praying is better than none. Then, it's off to homework, and hopefully some cleaning and exercise. When I step away from the anime and TV, I realize that my life is out of balance. My journal is not the only thing I've neglected between homework and computer time, and it's starting to affect me in more ways than one.

My Internal Calendar Broke in the Swamp

Oops. It was Friday a couple hours ago, wasn't it? I'm sorry. My internal schedule is kind of messed up right now. I worked last weekend, so I lost track of the days. I knew it was Friday because I knew when to show up at work. I also knew that I needed to plan some internship-related stuff around the incoming weekend. Somehow, I didn't connect those facts with the fact that it's Origin/Rewind/Blog post day.

Welp, it's already Saturday. I missed my window of opportunity, and I need to sleep a while before going to work. So, instead of an Origins post… I'll give a quick update on me. This summer is a lot busier for me than last summer was.

First, I was blessed with an internship at a small publishing company. As my regular readers probably know, I am a creative writing major. I like to write, edit, and generally work with words. So this is a wonderful opportunity. And they're willing to work around my work schedule, which is great.

A screenshot from Servant x Service's OP. This show and Working!!
have been on my mind a lot lately, for obvious reasons. If those
characters can hold a normal job, then so can I. 

I spent several weeks job hunting, filling out applications, and waiting for phone calls. Finally, we finished the application process at a retail chain store. It's a part time, seasonal job… but I started out at 40-hour weeks (mostly for training purposes, I think). I have less hours now, but I'm still working five days out of seven.

The other cashiers tell me that my feet will eventually adjust to this work. I'm trying to believe them.

I like my job. My coworkers and customers are all wonderful. I've only encountered one or two grumpy customers—and I didn't even realize one of them was grumpy, because a coworker spotted the signs and came over to help before it got bad. People are generally kind and understanding when they realize that I'm new… and that's a really good thing, because there is a lot involved in cashiering. I'm slowly getting better, but I still ask a lot of questions and make mistakes. And some of the mistakes make me want to crawl into a nice, cozy hole for the rest of the summer.

Since I'm down to part time hours now, I can do more for the publishing company… like make phone calls. Phones kind of scare me. My first fear comes before I touch the phone: What if it's a bad time? Then, as I start dialing: Careful, I don't want a wrong number. Let's triple check this. Then: Okay, don't fumble the words.

I have a script, which helps (I rarely make any kind of phone call without planning what I say first). It also helps to know that I'm helping the people I call. And I have pretty good phone skills, even though I get nervous about it.

Basically, I have a lot of opportunities to grow this summer. I'm working hard, facing my fears, and learning. It's good for me, and often fun. But school is starting to look more relaxing… no, I take that back. April was stressful. I might be busy this summer, but at least I always get more than two hours of sleep at night.

Speaking of sleep, it's way past night-night time. G'night! Good morning! Next Friday, remind me what day it is!

ABC Award

Judge (Nick Kwan) of Moar Powah! nominated me for this award two weeks ago (read his ABC list here). I decided to participate... and then I realized how hard it actually is to write 26 things about myself using letters of the alphabet. I mean, I like writing about myself. I blab about myself all the time, but this was still difficult. Thus, the long delay in posting.

Anyway, here are the rules. I'm actually going to follow the "nominate" rule this time, even though I'm normally too shy to do that kind of thing. I spent a lot of time on this, so I can't let the chain end!

1. Download the award logo and add it to your acceptance post.

2. Nominate a few fellow bloggers and share the award.

3. Since the award is ABC, take each letter of the alphabet and use it to tell something about yourself.

Annalyn's Alphabet

A is for Anime-Planet. I talk about this website a lot, partially because it introduced me to the online anime community, and partially because it's useful. It might not have the most comprehensive collection of anime information, but it's still the site I go to the most, whether it's to get anime recommendations, make recommendations, or simply keep track of what I'm watching.

B is for blogosphere. I love that word. And twitterverse, and aniblog, and fangirl, and otakudom, and all the words that fans have adopted and merged to describe things in their world. I'm in a class about the English language right now, and we've discussed the development of language and the way words are changed and added over time. When the professor asks for examples of compound words, I want to say, "fangirl! fanservice! fanart!" When he asks about vogue affixes, I answer, "-dom is popular! Otakutom, geekdom, fandom..." He asks how the word "complex" has changed over time, and I immediately think about brother and sister complexes. I love the vocabulary I see used, so it's hard not to talk about it in class... I'm pretty sure everyone in that class would count me as an anime geek. Oh, and that's another thing - not everyone sees "geek" as a compliment! 

C is for Creative Writing. Part of the way through last semester, I finally switched my major to English: Creative Writing. I'd been messing around with undeclared, Business: Information Systems, and Math Education. I even thought I might enjoy history and perhaps a political science major. I finally came to my senses and realized that what I love to do could actually be a part of my studies and my future career. I have two English classes this semester, and I'm enjoying them. 

This is my first time taking out my pastels in a long time. I enjoy
this. Especially when, like now, I'm procrastinating on homework.

D is for Dango. I have never had a Japanese dango, but after watching Clannad and Clannad After Story, I sing about them every day. So far, I have the first five lines of "Dango Daikazoku" memorized. By the time I finished writing this post, I only had two and a half lines left to memorize. Of course, I'm learning the shortened ED version, so that it seems less overwhelming. Yes, I know this isn't impressive. But I don't speak Japanese, I'm not an auditory learner, and I don't make a habit of memorizing songs, even in English. The only other songs I have purposefully set out to memorize since middle school choir will come up under H. Also, I really like to draw members of the Dango Daikazoku. 

E is for Elements of Style. This is one of my favorite handbooks on grammar. I haven't carried it around or referenced it as much lately. That probably isn't a good thing. Now that I'm an English major, I should be relying on it and similar resources more than ever.

F is for fan. This is what I call myself: an anime fan. "Otaku" seems to imply a little more obsession than I have, and I feel it would be presumptuous of me to take the title on. Similarly, I'm not sure I qualify as a "geek," even though I identify with "geek" culture. People from real life don't typically peg me as a geek or even an anime fan. Apparently, I'm good at blending in (maybe it's because I like makeup, and I'm too much of a tightwad to spend money on clothes with anime-related prints). Then, of course, they get me talking, and then I'm pretty sure they think I'm obsessed (they clearly haven't met any true otaku, or any of the people online who awe me with their knowledge).

G is for Gargantia on the Verdurous Planet. This wasn't a top favorite anime of mine, but I did write one post on it over the summer. Another post idea has been floating through my mind ever since I first watched it. I can't shake the picture of all those Hideauze babies, and I know I'll eventually have to write a post related to it, even if it leads me down a controversial path.

H is for Horrible Histories. I discovered this BBC show via YouTube, and I can't tell you how many hours I've spent looking up the shorts and music videos clipped from this show. Thanks to Horrible Histories, I now know all the monarchs of England since William the Conqueror (which is sad, considering I couldn't list all the presidents of my own country, especially not in order). I've also memorized George IV's song, and most of Richard III's (hey, I had to sing something under my breath while I washed tables at work). When our history class covers a topic mentioned in one of the Horrible Histories songs, I post the video on Facebook.

I is for Imagination. I like to imagine characters of mine in the everyday scenes around me. I know Lila would be sitting quietly to the side, perhaps chatting with those around her, while her brother stood nearby, wishing he was somewhere else. Also, coming up with something for all 26 letters of this alphabet is taking imagination. 

J is for Jesus. He's too important in my life not to be mentioned. He's the best man a girl could ask to have in her life, and as one with the Father, he's the only God worthy of the title. Even though I often disobey and ignore him, he's faithful, and our relationship continues to grow. Even now, He's watching me type this, and I like to think He's smiling.

Season 2, episode 6: Kuroko does something awsome (again)

K is for Kuroko's Basketball, one of my favorite currently airing anime. I get pretty excited during Seirin High's games.

L is for Long. This post is taking me a very, very long time to finish.

M is for Math Education. When I started college a year and a half ago, I was a math ed major. I was absolutely positive I wanted to teach math. Then I decided I didn't want to teach after all, which meant I didn't have any use for more math classes. I switched to a double major - math (because I wasn't ready to let go) and Business: Information Systems. I soon realized that, while I honestly enjoyed my economics class, buisiness wasn't for me.

N is for Naruto. Yeah, I know that was too easy. If you're new to this blog, I'll fill you in: Naruto is what got me started on anime fandom back in the summer of 2009. I still follow Naruto Shippuden, finding what joy I can in the fillers and fangirling over the main plot. However, I have not seen any of the movies, and I've only read the first volume of the manga. The movies and the manga are harder to legally get my hands on, especially since I don't want to spend the money on it. One of these days, I'll probably watch some of the movies. 

O is for okay, or O.K. I like to spell the word "okay" out when I'm writing. I feel like OK interrupts the flow of things. It's like a bright, blinking orange sign in the middle of a peaceful garden tea. But it's not wrong. In fact, since OK stands for oll korrect, it's perfectly proper to slam those two initials in the middle of an otherwise lovely paragraph. So I can't get all fussy about that when I edit, unless someone tries to use both "OK" and "okay" in the same work. I might consider "OK" to be an eyesore, but it's a matter of taste - just like zebra stripes or lawn gnomes. 

P is for Princess. Sometimes, I pretend I am a princess. I tell myself stories of adventure and romance as I lay in bed at night. I'm not a princess as often anymore. At least, I'm not one in my stories. Outside of my stories, I'm a princess and I know it. Not just the type that sits in the tower (although I have a story for that, believe me), but any type of princess I want to be.

Q is for Queen, which naturally comes after princess. Actually, I feel a little silly for not noticing this lovely fact before. Sure, it's a coincidence that Princess starts with "P" an Queen starts with "Q," but I still find this interesting.

Ground beef, pees, carrots, spinach, beef ramen, and one egg.
Delicious.

R is for Ramen. This semester, I moved out of the dorms and dropped my meal plan. Now, I have Top Ramen multiple times a week. Before you get concerned or judge-y about my eating habits, know that I love ramen nights. In anime, I noticed characters often add ingredients to their instant ramen, especially eggs. I'd seen a friend add an egg to her ramen once, but I'd never tried it. So I decided to Google the topic, and I found this article. This article opened my horizons. I don't refer to it much. Instead, I experiment on my own. Now, as I told Tumblr, I am a ramen evangelizer, seeking to tell the world the good news of instant ramen's potential.

S is for Sports anime. This might be my favorite genre, which is not something I ever expected to be true. Action, fantasy, and adventure have always drawn me, no matter what medium of storytelling is used. But sports? That's unique to anime, although my enjoyment of Kuroko's Basketball and others has made me more open minded to the topic in other fiction, and perhaps even real life. 

T is for Tumblr. It's been a couple weeks since I got one, and I still can't decide whether that was a good idea. I will say this, though: when I get several likes or a reblog, I see why people get so addicted. 

U is for United States of America. That's where I live. To be more specific, I'm on the mainland, so not Hawaii. That's about as specific as I'll get on my blog or Twitter, even though any stalkers can probably narrow it down to at least a time zone based on what I've said around the web. 

V is for Verbose. I'm a bit verbose a times... okay, a lot of the time. What can I say? I like words, and, like I mentioned at the beginning, I like to talk about myself (probably more than I should). Still, believe it or not, I value conciseness. When I'm very serious about my writing, I make liberal use of my delete key (after I've saved the more verbose version, of course, just in case I cut too much).

W is for Wattpad. I posted a few stories on Wattpad.com. Then I told my followers that I'd write a sequel to one of the novels. I finished that novel a year ago. All I have for a sequel is a chapter and a lot of prewriting. I feel somewhat sorry about that. 

X is for X TV. Apparently, that's the only anime I've watched that begins with X (I checked my Anime-Planet list since I was desperate to get this done). Well, I started xxxHolic, but I must have gotten bored, because I dropped it. That was back when I had less patience.  I remember liking X, and I remember that there was action. But I watched it some time before I got an Anime-Planet account, so I don't even have a star rating to look back on.

Y is for Yes. Yes, I am stretching to find words for all these letters.

Z is for Zip. That's the name of my first truly "special stuffie," a black and white cat my grandma gave me when I was six. Before Zip, I didn't play favorites; my newest stuffed animal always got to sleep with me. I think I felt like being attached to a special stuffie was a requirement for a kid. Eventually, I really did get attached to Zip, although she had to make room for BB two years later. BB became my top favorite and accompanied me when I got my baby K9 teeth pulled out. Both stuffed animals came with me to college. I don't need them, of course. But they help make this place home, and they're good for cuddles.

-
So, the last time I did something like this, I was too shy to nominate anyone else. But you know what? I spent a ton of time finishing this post. So I'm going to nominate people. If none of them want to do this, that's fine.

Okay. Let's see who I can come up with who hasn't already done this (or whom I've seen nominated by someone else). If I don't nominate someone who wants to do this, I'm sorry. Your name either slipped my mind, or I was too shy. Pick the option that offends you least. Both come from my quirks and have nothing to do with what you've done. So speak up if I should have nominated you!

Cajun Samurai at The Cajun Samurai
Frank at A Series of Miracles
Zeroe4 at Beneath the Tangles
R86 at Beneath the Tangles
Japes at Beneath the Tangles (Hm... I'm starting to see a pattern here...) or Japesland
Everyone else at Beneath the Tangles (I like you, but I realized that I'd have to inform all of you that you were nominated, and that's... kind of overwhelming for me, especially since some of you apparently don't have Twitter, which is my safe place... oh, and Charles has already been nominated by other people).
Rob at Christian Anime Review
Tommy Phillips at Anime Bowl

If you wish I hadn't nominated you, well it's your own fault for being a nice person and commenting or talking to me on Twitter... just kidding. You don't have to do this if you don't want to, or if you're too busy. Though, if you're less verbose than I am, this probably won't take you as long as it did me.

Rewind: The Wallflower

Last time I wrote about The Wallflower, almost three years ago, it resulted in a reflective post. I've had a few years to reflect on the same topics and add to my thoughts. Those years show in this post, so it's a little more in depth than past "Rewind" posts.

It’s been a while since I watched or read The Wallflower (Yamato Nadeshiko Shichi Henge). But I’ve thought about it now and then, attempted to watch the dubbed version, and reread my old post on the series. It’s easy to remember the premise, and easier still to remember the appeal of it. I identified with the main character, Sunako. I wanted friends to reach out to me like the boys in The Wallflower reached out to her. I wanted to be special to a group of people, and perhaps especially special to a single young man, like Sunako was. I enjoyed the light romance, and the characters’ more charming moments made me giggle. The Wallflower gave me - and millions of other girls - a way to live a fantasy. Yes, it was unrealistic. Still, it addressed real needs: the need for acceptance, companionship, love, to be pursued. In its own way, The Wallflower addressed our need for salvation from ourselves and the darkness that encompasses us.

Sunako is a high school girl who loves horror. She spends her days hiding in her dark room, watching horror movies. When she must leave the safety of her room, she hides behind her long hair. She does not put care into her appearance. Her clothes are frumpy, and her skin could benefit from basic care. She carries the pain of rejection with her; two years ago, the boy she liked called her ugly. Even before that, she wasn’t exactly a social butterfly. Now, it’s yet another reason to stay in the shadows.

Her rich, traveling aunt wants to change her. She sends Sunako to live in her mansion with four stunningly handsome boys. In exchange for free rent, they are instructed to transform her into a beautiful lady. They don’t have much to work with. Sunako is not a willing subject, and if she looks directly at her housemates, she gets a nose bleed, as she does around all such “beautiful creatures.” She would prefer to stay in darkness with her horror movies and skulls. These habits have shaped her demeanor, so she actually scares the guys. Like her aunt, they'd much rather change her into something more "ladylike" than accept her for who she is, horror movies and all.

The young men, also students at her high school, are determined. At first, they try to draw her out of darkness because they want free rent. This turns into genuine care. They don’t all compete for her love. Unlike characters in certain recent reverse harem anime, these boys have somewhat varied tastes in women (and some sense of respect). But they become her friends and defenders. One of them becomes the key love interest.

One of the "ridiculous things" I'm referring
to. This particular adventure is in ep 3.

It’s a gradual process, and many ridiculous things happen along the way. I used anime and manga to escape reality much like Sunako used horror, so I enjoyed the unrealistic scenarios and the laughs they produced. This brand of shoujo romantic comedy held particular appeal at the time - by the end of 2010, I’d also watched Skip Beat, Fruits Basket, Kare Kano, Itazura na Kiss, and similar shows. They transported me to a different reality, a place where unlikely love bloomed between unlikely people in even more unlikely situations. I considered myself an extremely unlikely candidate for anything close to romance. I craved the kind of excitement and attention shoujo heroines experienced. I liked anime where the girl was stuck living with the guys, because she automatically got their notice and companionship. I escaped into the anime and lived through the characters, because by the end of 2010, my anxiety and depression were starting to suffocate me again. I wanted someone to notice, to save me from the downward spiral, to draw me into the light even if I resisted.

Of course, I’m not a shoujo heroine, so only my family, psychiatrist, and God seemed to realize my situation. Faced with that reality, I settled for watching Kyohei draw near to Sunako. I knew that wasn’t sufficient for me. Here’s an excerpt of what I posted on February 4, 2011:

“Why then do I forget Him? I read manga, watch anime, and dream of young gentlemen to fill a prince-shaped hole. Yet Jesus already came to fill that hole, and I already accepted Him for the divine Prince He is. Do I, deep down, not truly believe that He is enough? Does some part of me think I need to prove myself worthy of His love? Jesus’ radiance outshines that of any manga or anime character. I don’t get a bloody nose when I realize His presence, but I do get overwhelmed. He is far more than a hundred times as great as Kyohei, Tankenaga, or any other character in The Wallflower. In comparison, I feel like Sunako in her most diminutive form. Part of me wants to hide in my room, turn off the lights, and escape into an anime the way Sunako does with her horror movies. But the other part of me wants to venture into that brilliant light, brave my “bloody nose,” and find out more about the dazzling Prince who gave up everything for me, who pursues a relationship with scattered little me.”

I felt helpless at that point. I knew the truth of what I wrote - Jesus was sufficient. He loved me. I held onto those facts and tried not to let escape define every moment of my free time, tried not to ignore Him, tried to rely on Him. But it would be two more months before I reached my turning point, and several more months before the heavy-heartedness was gone.

I am grateful for my time in darkness. I’m glad it wasn’t worse, but I’m also glad it wasn’t easier. My obsessive attempts to use anime as an escape, my attempts to hide those wasted hours and late nights from my parents and those who I thought lived in light, my attempts to sort out my feelings and live more organized, more productive, more like the other, “healthy” kids - these showed me my helplessness, my brokenness, my weakness, my sinfulness.

By the time I graduated from high school, by the time I took a year off to heal, I was a little mroe humble. My relationship with Jesus had weathered the storms of teenage-hood, thanks to His faithfulness. I grasped Him desperately with my eyes squeezed shut, and He held me securely in His arms. And I came out of it with a better idea of how much I needed salvation, not just from eternal punishment, but from the weight of sin and brokenness everyday.

Sunako and the boys. I think we see their
comedic/diminuitive expressions more
often than their normal facial features.

I love watching anime characters pursue each other. In The Wallflower, Kyouhei and the others pursue Sunako, showing her that the light isn’t so bad. And when the shoe’s on the other foot, when Kyouhei is kidnapped or runs away, Sunako pursues him. I’ve discovered something pretty cool about reality, though: Jesus didn’t stop pursuing me when I became a Christian. He didn’t say, “okay, my work here is done. Time to pursue the next lost sheep.” When I stray, He comes and pulls me back to Him. I’ve learned, and continue to learn, to trust His passionate, pursuing love. I trust Him with my imperfections, trust Him to know those imperfections better than I do and still love me more than I can imagine. So I try not to hide from His light when I’m faced with my brokenness. He sees it anyway, and He’s able to heal me, to work with me, to use that brokenness for something beautiful. I’ve seen some of that already. He has filled every need that I felt addressed in The Wallflower, and He does so in a way that no one else can - not in real life, and certainly not in a fictional animated story. 

Now, I’m going to stop writing. “Rewind” posts are supposed to be short bits about shows I barely remember. Well, this post is about The Wallflower, but it’s also about things that have been on my mind in the three years since I first watched it. I could go on (in fact, I have), but I’ll save it for another post.

A Bigger Dream

I'm still shaking off the stress from this last semester. I learned a lot, but I didn't enjoy it like I'd hoped to. Homework loads defined each day. Thursdays stopped being Naruto Shippuden day and became Oh-thank-heavens-Wednesday-is-over day.

But it wasn't all bad. I took a writing class, which reinforced the obvious: I like writing enough to make it my major. When I told my family, they all said, "Finally!" 

There were valuable lessons in my other classes, too, even the ones I dreaded most. I suspect I'll be mulling over them for many months to come. And that, in part, is what leads me to write this post.

Back in June, I wrote "Space Brothers: Dreaming Big" and "Mutta and Me: A Second Chance to Dream Big." I ended the second by saying, "I don’t want to wait until I’m Mutta’s age to pursue my dreams. I don’t want to push aside the opportunities my Hibitos and Sharons have presented me. This is my second chance to dream big. I have no excuse not to take it."

I stand by what I said then. But I must admit that my dream to become a writer is too small. Or, to be precise, it's under-defined. 

I go to a Christian university. I take Bible classes and, when I can, I go to chapel. Even professors of history and writing encourage me in my faith. Sometimes, these sources approach the same theme from a different angle. This semester, that theme was the Great Commission. 

I've heard or read Matthew 28:18-20 many times, so it's not like the Great Commission was news to me:

Then Jesus came to them and said, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore, go and make disciples of every nation, baptizing them in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the end of the days." 

I've sung these words in Sunday School and written them in my journal. They're the words said in a resounding voice at the end of children's Easter movies, right before Jesus goes to heaven. But He didn't say these words just so we could repeat them. Our Lord was giving a command. And I can't claim it was a command just for his followers 2,000 years ago, either. Jesus told them to make more followers, and to teach them to obey everything He commanded. See that little "make disciples" part? That's a command. So Jesus told that group to make disciples who would make disciples who would make disciples... and I'm part of that chain. Oh snap. 

No, I'm not packing my bags and headed across the world to be a missionary. But I pray I'm open to the possibility. I have to come face to face with something I've known all along: I can't write just for my own sake. I can't live just for my own sake. The world is broken. I see it in the shootings in Colorado. I see it in my mistakes. I see it in hungry children and overworked mothers. I see it in stubborn politicians and thin pop stars. I see it in anime, books, and movies, because those creators see it, too. I feel the brokenness in my heart, and it hurts. 

I know where to find hope. I know who will renew the earth, who has won the battle against evil. If I call myself His servant, His friend, and His follower, then I can't hide from the pain. Jesus' deep compassion and His actions are connected. He left his throne and became one of us. He reached out to the suffering. He made disciples. He died a painful death and rose again, reconciling us to God. 

When I chose to embrace Jesus as my Lord, I chose a difficult path, and I like to pretend I didn't. I like to pretend I can slap "Christian values" onto my life choices and pursue the same type of success everyone else does. There's a big problem with that: Jesus values souls - people. I'm supposed to value people's souls the same way, and I'm supposed to value God's glory. Those kind of values can't be tacked on as an afterthought. 

Well, that's uncomfortable. Can I stop writing and go watch anime now? Please? I'd like to leave these thoughts for later, when I'm closer to graduating college or I'm accumulating debt at a slower rate. 

Following God is uncomfortable, but I'm not comfortable focusing on everyday comforts, either. I long for more, for a purpose in life that doesn't revolve around me. I want to write, but when I write just to get more readers, or praise, or money, I feel hollow. 

I'm taking steps toward professional writing. I'm learning more about the beauty and power of words. I want those words to glorify God. I'd like to contribute to the disciple making process. Sometimes, I'd just like to delight in the words God has given us to use, and to know that He takes pleasure in my delight. I'd like it if, no matter what kind of writing I do, it opens doors to conversations and relationships that bring glory to God. I want to highlight goodness and confront brokenness. 

If I want to take the risk and dream big, I must say, "You are my Lord. Here is my pen, my keyboard, my dream - use it for Your glory. Give me Your dream, because it's better than mine. I look forward to an eternity of living, obeying, and writing with You." 

God's dream is bigger than my dream to publish a book or Mutta's dream to go to the moon. It's bigger than Naruto's dream to become Hokage, or even his goal to bring back Sasuke. And the best part? God's dream is reality, and He's invited... well, actually, He's commanded me to join the effort to see it through. So when I dream about writing for a wide audience, I hope I catch myself and ask, "Am I dreaming big enough?"

Dear Extroverted Friends

Dear Extroverted Friends,

We're different.

"Well, duh," you say. "I like parties, and you don't."

First, that's not completely accurate. Believe it or not, I enjoy some parties. At weddings, for example, I'm always on the dance floor until Dad wants to go home. I just can't go to parties/big gatherings/social things as often as you can.

Second, you're both over-simplifying and making a big generalization. That's okay. Introverts do the same thing. In fact, some of you extroverts might be complaining, "Hey! We don't all like parties! I do other social stuff instead!"

There are a few comics and such floating around about introverts and extroverts. They're fun. Maybe they've opened your eyes a little. Now, I want to throw my two cents in.

I'm going to be frank. If you know me, then please understand, none of this is out of resentment or annoyance with you. Those of you who are close enough to get on my nerves usually don't. You're too caring and too understanding of my needs. Thank you. Hopefully this will help you understand better... even if all you understand is that you can't completely understand me. That's okay, too.

This is not meant to be a generalization about all introverts. We have different personalities and struggles, and I've had anxiety issues that make my introversion a little more pronounced at times.

Here's the thing about being introverted: it's not a choice. It's just how some of us are. I simply cannot handle being too social too often. If I am, I'll crack. My energy and mental health will start to leak out of that crack. Sometimes, I notice I've cracked, but I don't retreat from people the way I need to. The crack widens. If I'm not careful, I may breakdown entirely. I try to avoid that. It takes a long time to put the pieces back together.

There are days when I want to hang out, but I know I'm nearing my breaking point. I have to turn you down. I appreciate the invitation, though - I really do.

If I must be around friends or family when I'm already cracking, it does help if we ignore each other. But it's not just quietness that I need. It's solitude. A quiet presence is still a presence. I appreciate your offer to just be quiet around me. Yet, if I'm at my breaking point, then I don't want to hear you, smell you, see you, feel you, or even sense you.

"What's wrong?" you might ask.

Nothing's wrong. I'm not upset about anything. You haven't done anything to hurt or offend me. Nor has anyone else.  I'm just worn out. No, I do not want a hug! Don't touch me! I need space. Sometimes, I love hugs. But when I'm running on empty like this, I can't be in such close proximity with anyone. There are times I won't even let my mom hug me. So if you try, I'll probably snap. I might even hiss like a cornered cat. Please don't try. I don't want to hurt you like that. If you really want to hug me when I'm upset, then stand at a safe distance and ask first.

Talking about it won't help, either. This isn't the kind of problem that's helped by talking or any other kind of human interaction. I love you, my friend, but I need to be alone. So either go away or let me retreat into my hole.

Please, don't feel bad if you've interrupted my solitude when I was cracking. You didn't know any better. I don't want you to feel bad for your extroverted perspective. And my introversion doesn't give me a right to hurt you. So if I snap at you or otherwise hurt your feelings when I'm running on empty, please confront me. I will apologize, and I will work to make sure my problem doesn't become your problem.

Also, please understand that I'm still learning about the needs of my non-introvert friends. I care for you, but I don't always realize that you need a hug or conversation or even just a presence. Plus, there's more to you than your extroversion, which make it even harder to know what you need. So, as we get to know each other, be honest. Extroverts and introverts may appear to be different species, but I'm confident we can live in harmony. In fact, we have to. I need your help navigating the social world and getting information out. Maybe there's something I can help you out with, too... when I'm not hiding in my hole, that is.

Love,
Your Introverted Friend

I was Swamped Today

I'm sorry to say
I was swamped today.
I did not have time
To relax or Rewind.

Next week, I'll return
With some time to burn,
No looming deadlines,
And no awful rhymes.

Now, I'm off to get
Some much needed rest.
I'm done with this post.
Goodnight... good morning... goodbye.

Hi. I'm a Christian Aniblogger.

"Yeah, I use Twitter, but I don't tweet as myself. I have a different name."

The others in my dorm lobby give me a confused look. "Say what?" someone asks.

I quickly explain, "I originally got Twitter to promote my blog. I don't use my real name, because I blog anonymously. You know, internet safety and all that."

"Oh." My new friends and neighbors nod and smile, then go back to their conversation about social networks. Part of me wishes I hadn't drawn attention to myself.

This conversation happens frequently, and sometimes, it goes longer:

"So, what do you blog about?" asks a new acquaintance.

"Anime and my faith. Sometimes both at the same time. I include other stuff from life in general, but it's mostly anime lately."

"That's cool." From here, the conversation can (a) take a sharp turn as they try to find common ground elsewhere, (b) proceed to "How does that work?" or "Anime, huh? Why is that?" or, my favorite, (c), "Really? I watch some anime, too. What shows do you like?" 

I really wish someone would surprise me with a fourth route: (d) "Me too!" Unfortunately, I have yet to physically meet anyone involved in the online anime community or the blogosphere like I am, let alone the aniblogosphere. 

There are many precious people, great listeners, who smile and nod as I light up in conversation about my hobbies. I try to gauge their interest level as I explain what it means to be a Christian anibloggger/Twitter user. No matter how interested they are, and no matter how well I explain, they're not going to understand it very well unless they are involved in the online, non-location-based community. 

I've made some great friends since coming to college. There are people here with the same basic worldview as me, peers I can relate to and counsel with. My parents are just a phone call away if I need to talk, and I know several professors here who would be happy to discuss school and life. Yet there's something missing, a piece of my life that they don't relate to as well. 

Most of the people on campus understand two of my realms: earthly and spiritual. If I talk about dual citizenship in the U.S. and God's kingdom, they'll know what I mean. I doubt that many understand my life in a third realm: the internet. I wish they did. Even though I've scaled back on my time online, it's important to me.

I wonder if there are any other anibloggers on campus. Or at least someone else with an Anime-Planet account. I wonder if there's anyone I can talk with, face-to-face, about the interaction of faith and online communities. 

Swamped

I told ya'll I'd let you know if I was too swamped to write my usual Thursday post, so here you go. I finally had a little free time today, but no free brain energy. I'm still adjusting to the quality and quantity of work expected this semester.

I'm learning to balance my time better, so these swamped posts should be rare.

Farewell, Tomoko

As of the eighth episode, the novelty of Watamote's realistic(ish) premise has worn off. For a while, I, like many others, found Tomoko to be a relatable character. I focused on what I had in common with this socially anxious teen, rather than the glaring differences. I planned to root for Tomoko until the end, and hoped to see her gradually overcome her social anxiety and twisted thinking. Unfortunately, I don't think I can stick around long enough to watch her overcome anything. I'm not sure I'll be able to finish this episode, actually.

I'm learning more and more about how twisted Tomoko is. I still care for her and want her to succeed in life, but I can't hang out around her if she keeps doing and saying things that I'm this uncomfortable with.

Tomoko wanted her younger cousin to think she had
hickeys, so she used a vacuum cleaner on herself. Her
ideas of what's "cool" and "mature" for a high school girl
are a little off... (ep 8)

I still care about Tomoko as much as for any character in an anime drama. I wish I could continue with her through her painful high school journey. But I cannot keep company with her. It just isn't good for me. It seems like each episode, we see more of her erotic fantasies and habits. Sure, very few of those are explicitly shown. In fact, I have no doubt that much of it would have gone way over my head two years ago. But it's enough. I must say goodbye, despite my previous resolution to watch to the end.

It's been a while since I last decided to drop an anime halfway through due to personal convictions. In fact, the last one I recall was Gankutsuou: the Count of Monte Cristo a few years ago. Even then, I only marked it as "stalled," with the thought that someday, when I was a little older, it might be okay for me. There have been some anime that I dropped after only one or two episodes. There have also been some that I probably should have dropped but didn't. Unfortunately, Watamote has crossed the line.

To be clear, this is not meant to be a judgmental statement in anyway. I'm not quitting Watamote because Tomoko did something I firmly believe to be wrong. If that was the only criteria, my list of watchable shows, anime or live action, would be very short. I'm quitting because I don't like that stuff littering my mind. Some Christians may be able to watch this show without it affecting the purity of their thoughts. I don't think I can. For similar reasons, I've unsubscribed from YouTube channels and marked songs as "disliked" on Pandora. I've even considered unfollowing Twitter feeds that have a very high frequency of R-rated tweets (that's a harder decision, especially if I've had any interaction with the person). My personal strengths lie in my mind, which means my weaknesses do, too. I'm not great at dwelling only on "whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable" (Philippians 4:8). I just hope that, for me, dropping shows like Watamote will help the images in my mind stay clean. It's a small step, and I know I could benefit from greater discernment with what I watch. But it's a step, at least.

So, farewell, Tomoko. I wish you well. If I have the time, I'll keep up with you by reading other people's blogs and tweets.

To the reader: different shows impact different people in different ways. There are some TV-MA level anime that seem to leave no damage to my mind and conscience, but would scar others. Same vice-versa. How do you feel about Watamote? Any comments on the subject of discernment in what you watch?

Advice from Anime: Join a Club

Clubs are a powerful presence in school anime. Some creators use clubs as an excuse for a harem or borderline harem anime. Those have little appeal to me, but even school club anime without a polarized male-female ratio don't always keep my interest. And then there are anime like Chihayafuru, which wouldn't be the treasures they are without their clubs.

All of these school club anime, mediocre and excellent alike, get one thing right: clubs are a great way to meet people. Thus, if I can give one piece advice to incoming college freshmen, it's this: join a club.

I never thought I'd say something like that. I never thought that I would join a club in college. I was sure that school, work, and required hall activities would be all my introverted self could handle. I'm the type who can go weeks without seeing another human being and be perfectly happy. I might enjoy social activities on occasion, but, as a general rule, I need to spend at least twice as much time by myself to recover from social events. When it's really bad, I can't even handle Twitter or Facebook.

Yet even introverts get lonely. When my roommates moved out before second semester, I decided that I'd be purposeful about socializing and making friends. I still didn't plan on joining a club, though. I did not want that kind of commitment. In fact, when a professor suggested that I join a club to meet people, I politely and firmly told him that there was no way I'd have the time and energy for such activities.

Not long after the start of spring semester, a classmate came up to me and said she was going to start a pro-life club. She needed some founding members and officers. I thought and prayed about it for a few days before agreeing to join. Before I knew it, I wasn't just part of a club. I was signing paperwork, agreeing to be the club's vice president! I was the right hand woman. When the president wasn't around, people looked to me for answers. This decision surprised me, my family, and probably some of my hallmates.

Okay, so our club's  not quite all hugs and sparkles like
this scene from Chihayafuru 2. But we're friends, which
is more than we were a year ago.

It was a surprise, but it was a good surprise. I made friends I wouldn't have made otherwise. As a task-oriented, sometimes shy, introverted girl, I find that working alongside someone is a safe, low-stress way to get to know them. And, just like in anime, the founding club members started to hang out outside of club meetings. We went to see a play. We ate together at the dining hall after meetings. The founding president gave me tea and honey when I had a bad cold. Three of us went to a summit put on by the nationwide Students for Life organization. We laughed, talked, and learned together. It was a shorter and less intense trip than the club training trips in Eyeshield 21 or the tournaments in Chihayafuru, and only a few of us were able to go. Yet it was enough for me to experience some of the same bonding that's present in my favorite club anime.

I was surprised by what I could handle. I often acted more like the club secretary than a vice president (and I'm relieved to report that this semester, I am the secretary). Yet I still had a leadership position. I led our club meeting when the president was sick. I was committed to both the general club meetings and short planning sessions. And none of this caused an emotional breakdown. This might seem like small stuff from the outside. To me, it was an incredible step.

In anime, clubs are often used to make self-conscious or loner characters open up and loosen up. People who would never meet become friends. Bookworms and athletes, Type-A students and slackers, class clowns and the painfully shy: all are joined together by one shared interest or goal. I used to think that clubs were for extroverts. Now, I'd almost argue the opposite: clubs are just what introverts like me need to get our healthy dose of purposeful socialization.

So, freshmen, here's a tip: join a club. Participate in a sport, whether you're on the school team or playing intramurals. Help put on a play. Join a small group or Bible study. Find some sort of activity or organization that you'd like to be a part of, and be open to personal growth and new friendship. Dare to step outside your comfort zone. You just might find that it's not so uncomfortable out there after all.

"My Little Sister Can't Wear a Wedding Dress!"

Oreimo 2 wasn't my favorite Spring anime. In fact, if I ranked all the anime I've seen, it doubt it would make the top thirty... maybe not even forty. But its tenth episode often comes to mind. The episode's content doesn't matter much to me; just the title. I keep thinking: "Kyousuke, the wedding dress isn't even hers. Just wait until the real thing comes!" (Assuming it comes, and that Kirino gets over her brother complex... I don't want to think about all the ways the Oreimo relationships could go).

In the near future, I'll have my bathroom drawer back, the bedroom next to mine will be empty... and Lil Sis will be married. She's not just wearing a wedding dress. She's saying her vows, exchanging rings, and riding off into the sunset.

If I were to tell the story Oreimo style, here's what I'd call the episodes:

1. "My Little Sister Can't be this Mature!"

2. "My Little Sister Can't be Serious About a Relationship!"

3. "My Little Sister Can't be this in Love!"

4. "This Young Man Can't Possibly be this Respectful, Respectable, and Responsible!"

5. "My Little Sister Can't Try on Wedding Dresses!"

6. "My Family Can't be planning a Wedding!"

7. "I Can't Write a Wedding Toast!"

8. "The Wedding Day Can't Come this Fast!"

Of course, just like Oreimo titles, the truth is that the "'t" part of "can't" should be removed. Lil Sis not only can be and do all these things: she is. I was reluctant to get attached to future Bro-in-Law at first, but he is for real. He earned and kept Dad's respect. That's saying something, because Dad is good at calling Bologna Sandwich.

I'm just trying to be a good big sister. Kyousuke and I have very different situations, but I can identify with him as he tries to support Kirino. For a while, he didn't feel needed or wanted by her. When she demanded that he help her with her secret otaku habits, he seemed relieved to have a place in her life again. 

I've felt insecure with my sister before. As she got older, she didn't seem to need me much. She was never mean like Kirino, but we both had some growing up to do during high school. Now, I have a defined role as her sister. I'm her maid of honor. It's my job to look out for her throughout this whole wedding business. I probably take the role too seriously, actually. I'm just excited to have a place that I fit in her life.

Sometimes, I wonder what our relationship will be like after the wedding. Will they invite me over to try out their ice cream machine? Will she still want the next Nancy Drew game for Christmas, like I get her every year? Will she still play it with me? 

I'm not the cool big sister I once hoped to be. Any relationship advice I give is based on books, not on personal experience. In fact, Lil Sis has to help me when I do social stuff that's new to me. She gives me makeup tips and helps me when I'm too nervous to send a text or make a phone call. She's ahead of me in many ways... yet I'm still the older sibling, and my job, like Kyousuke's, remians the same: support my little sister. She doesn't need much protection from me, and she usually doesn't need much advice. But she does need my support. I think all she needs is to know that I love her, and that I'll always be available if she needs anything, even just a listening ear.

Part of me wishes I could pause our lives and say, "My Little Sister Can't Wear a Wedding Dress!" But it's a very small part. I'm truly happy for Lil Sis. In the months and years to come, she'll be busy with her work, her husband, and her home. I'll be busy with school. We'll probably be in separate cities for a while... maybe even separate states. Our relationship will change as we continue to grow in who we are. Still, instead of trying to deny it, I'm going to embrace it. The important things won't change. We'll always be sisters, both by blood and in Christ. My door will always be open to her, whether to play Nancy Drew games or just to talk. I'll let future Bro-in-Law come, too. And who knows? Maybe I'll start calling him "Big Bro" on here instead...

--

On related note, this wedding stuff has me pretty busy. In fact, I probably shouldn't be writing this at the moment. I have other responsibilities to attend to. I'll have a lot of blog posts to read and anime episodes to catch up on when the wedding's finally over. That's something to look forward to. 

Internet Addiction

Two factors have forced me to face something about myself that I'd like to deny.

First, my laptop is at Best Buy right now, getting cleaned up and taking advantage of that warrantee I bought when I got it. I miss my dear computer. Sure, Mom's computer is almost the same in look and function. But even if I had full access to it, it's still not mine. The mailbox isn't synced with my two gmails. The background isn't that pretty screenshot from Nabari no Ou. Safari's homepage isn't my email account. If I want to access my documents, I have to insert my memory stick. If I want Twitter, I have to log out of Mom's account (not that she actually uses it) and log myself in. I don't know if Mom remembers her Twitter password, so I'm playing it safe so my password doesn't replace hers.

I'm not sure if I'll get my computer back in the next couple days, or if I'll leave it there long enough to replace the battery. The battery doesn't need replacement yet... but again, I want to take full advantage of the warrantee, the battery should already be on its way to my house, and I can't replace the battery in my Mac on my own.

Another thing has happened in the past few days: we've returned to our old internet service, one with a limited amount of gigs we can use per billing cycle. I still haven't figured out what that means for how much anime I can consume and how many hours I can spend on Facebook games. I'm not the only one in the house who uses the internet, after all. I think my regular usage would be fine, but it's not my money at risk, so I want to play it extra safe.

Between missing my computer and being wary of internet consumption, I've been forced to examine my habits. Thus, I've come to the conclusion that I might be a wee bit addicted to the internet. Okay, so I definitely am. When I'm awake, I'm rarely off the net for more than four or five hours, especially if I'm at home. Even if it's just for a few minutes, I feel the urge to check Blogger, Facebook, or Twitter.

I think a picture of the principal from Danganronpa is
fitting for a post about being held captive, whether
I've been trapped by the internet or a stuffed bear.

I should take advantage of this time without my computer. It's a great opportunity to be purposeful with my time, without the constant temptation of my laptop. Maybe I should go to the library and unearth the bookworm in me. Before I got my first laptop and unlimited access to anime, I would speed through several books in a week, or even a day, especially in the summer. Now, I've only read two novels in the past month, and those only because they were given to me. If I want to write professionally, shouldn't I spend a little more time reading, and a little less time online?

Notice that I used the word "should" three times in that last paragraph, instead of the more binding word "will." I haven't even fully admitted that I have a problem with unwise internet usage.

Perhaps I'll pay more attention to myself if I remember what else my unwise time management has cost: my time with God. It's cost my devotional time. It's kept me from serving Him by serving my family. It's allowed some of my skills to become stagnant at best, and atrophied at worst. When I allow the internet to capture me for hours on end, when I can't go a few hours without the compulsion to go online, I'm keeping myself from a full life. Where's my self-control?

Let's see... strong compulsion to go online... apparent inability to disengage from the internet once I'm on... inability to prioritize responsibilities over internet time... I hate to admit it, but I'm fairly addicted to the internet. Sure, it's not as bad as the days when I regularly spent four to eight hours on anime each day, self-medicating myself with the stimulation and escape it provided. I've improved a lot over the past couple years. But it's still not good.

Perhaps it's time to cultivate better habits, habits that include more sleeping, journaling, reading, writing, and cleaning. I have a journal entry that explored how to do that. Perhaps I should return to the entry and take my own advice. Maybe even rewrite it and post it, to gain some accountability. My internet time will be more fulfilling if I go about it with self-control.

It's time to break free and stop letting my internet compulsions control me.

Now, the above sentence sounds really good, and I'd like to end on that note. But that would imply that I'm actually going to do something about it, and I don't want to lie, even indirectly. I may or may not actually change this time. I'm tired, and not in the best state to make a commitment, even to myself - especially to myself. But I will revisit this topic before the week is over. That is a commitment I can keep.



*Screenshot from Danganronpa ep 1. Laptop edited by me, original image from a free use site I discovered. :)

Mutta and Me: A Second Chance to Dream Big

In Space Brothers, aka Uchuu Kyoudai, Nanba Mutta
dreams of going to the moon and Mars.

My freshman year of high school, I interviewed a well-published author. No, I won’t tell you who she is. We had to write an essay about a career we wanted or something like that, and I chose writing. I researched what it took to write a novel, find an agent, get published, and various other things related to the profession. An interview was required, so I called an author whose books I’d read, a friend of a friend, and asked if we could meet. A lot of emotional energy went into that call. Phone calls petrified me, especially to strangers, and even more so when asking a favor. I actually cried before I managed to write a little script for myself and make the phone call.

After the interview, she gave me her card and offered to read my story and give advice. I didn’t take her up on the offer, of course; I was too shy.

At fourteen years old, I had one novel-length story written, an accomplished author’s contact information on my bulletin board, and family friends with connections in the publishing industry. I’d researched the industry well, and I wanted to become a writer. 

From an outside perspective, it seems like the situation was all lined up for me. All I needed to do was continue to practice, and I’d have a chance. Yet by the end of high school, I’d decided my writing was just a hobby. I decided I wasn’t cut out to write professionally, fiction or nonfiction, and that I wouldn’t be able to earn a living on it anyway. Better to choose a career easier to get into, like teaching. I dismissed professional writing as a childish dream, a phase I went through, and unpractical for me.

Everything was lined up for my dream, but I lacked the diligence and the courage to pursue it. 

Over a year ago, I met someone a lot like me. He doesn’t live in this time, the third dimension, or even reality. He’s older than me, and his interests are different. But I empathize with him in a way almost as big as his dream. His name is Nanba Mutta.


As a child, Mutta decided he wanted to be an astronaut. He and his little brother were captivated by space, and they spent their time researching and dreaming about it for years. His practical, oldest-child self kept him from being as passionate as his little brother, but he still had the dream, and his mind was well-suited for a future astronaut.

Mutta and his brother, Hibito, spent a lot of time at the tourist end of Japan’s space center program, JAXA, touring and listening to lectures until they could give the guide’s speeches themselves. Their passion was noticed and encouraged by the people who worked there, people with connections to the career they dreamed of. Separately, got to know an astronomer named Sharon so well, they called her “aunt.” They visited her and used her observatory. She taught them English, which would be needed if they went to NASA, and various things about space.

The Namba brothers had the support and connections they needed. They had the dream. They even have the developing skills that would push them toward their goal. Everything was lined up for them. Hibito took these opportunities and reached his dream. The older brother didn’t.

Like me, Mutta is a practical oldest sibling. He knew how hard it was to become an astronaut. As he passed through teenagehood, he decided that his dream was unrealistic. He was done getting his hopes up. Better to focus on school and getting a normal job. It hurt, but he stopped actively building his space knowledge and skills. He gave up before he really began.

Everything was lined up for his dream, but Mutta, like me, lacked the courage and confidence to pursue it. 

We’ve given up on our dream jobs, so what do we do? Mutta grew up and went to work at an auto company. His skills were useful there, but his boss wasn’t great and he wasn’t really happy. From the looks of it, he had to force himself to be there, and he clearly wasn’t cut out for office life. Good office workers don’t headbutt their boss, no matter what their boss says about their brother. 

Me? I’m not as far along in life as Mutta is, but I’ve settled for less than my dream. I received just as much praise from others for my bent toward teaching as for my writing. I enjoy helping people reach that “lightbulb” moment, and the problem solving as I find the best way make things click. So I decided to become a math teacher. I tutored my cousins. I registered as a math education major at school. I played up my love for math as an important part of my identity.

But I was pushing myself to fit a role that I didn’t feel good in. I liked math, but that’s because I like critical thinking, which I can use elsewhere, and I didn’t enjoy my homework like I once did. And the idea of being in charge of a classroom of minors from 8:00 a.m. to 3:00 p.m. five days a week stressed me out. Actually, interacting with anyone outside of family that much stressed me out. I thought I’d outgrow this stress, but it became clear that while I was doing better, teaching in a classroom would not be peaceful for me. 

So I decided to explore business. Again, I have some skills that apply. I liked the idea of working with websites, information systems, online marketing, or helping businesses problem solve. But again, I was pushing myself to fit a “practical” mold, one that I didn’t feel called to. I was trying to push aside a dream I decided was ridiculous: being paid to write, research, make connections, and be alone for much of the work week.

I decided I would write as a hobby and serve God through simple interactions with people. I decided that my weaknesses in multitasking and my discomfort with “normal, boring” jobs were things that could be overcome. I decided good stewardship of the money God gave me meant choosing a career path that I perceived to have a better guarantee of return. I didn’t practice writing or problem solving with any level of diligence, though I did finish another novel. I didn’t even read very much for fun; I indulged myself with mind-numbing internet use instead. 

I talked about being a good steward of God’s money, but I pushed aside stewarding the other gifts He gave me. I said it would be lazy to focus on an unrealistic dream instead of challenging my weaknesses in practical fields... and ignored how lazy I was about fostering my ability to write, research, or problem solve. Look back at the last one and a half paragraphs and note how many times “I” was the subject, even when I was talking about God. I decided to choose a path that minimized my dreams because I didn’t have faith to wait for an answer from Him about where I should go. I made excuses to protect myself. I stopped trying to succeed beyond the status quo, because I was afraid of failure. I let my self confidence go... just like Mutta.

I didn’t expect to let myself dream impractically again. Neither did Mutta. But God, or the mangaka as the case may be, has a way of giving opportunities where none are expected.

Mutta studies hard for his second chance at his dream.

After headbutting his boss, Mutta was fired from the auto company and blacklisted. No one would hire him. He no longer fit in the career path he’d forced himself into. He was free to pursue something else. His family, especially his little brother, gave him the push he needed to do so. JAXA was accepting applications from potential astronauts, so his family sent in his application, giving him a second chance. Mutta found himself pursuing his dream, whether or not he had the confidence in himself. The higher-ups saw the same qualities in him that his brother knew would make him a fine astronaut. He’s now at NASA, making his dream a reality.

What about me? As I wrote in my last post, seeds have been planted, especially by one of my professors. I admire teachers and businesspeople, but that’s not who I am. I don’t believe that’s what God made me to be, although I’m willing to listen if He says I heard wrong (no, I don’t mean audibly, as wondrous as that would be). I’ve switched my major to undeclared, and my future beyond the bachelor’s degree is even hazier than that. But I’m beginning to think that my dream of using my thinking and writing, of not working in an office with people five days a week, can be a reality. I want to dedicate my gifts to God and follow Him into an uncharted future. I want to begin that future now.

Like Mutta, I have connections again. When I thought I’d be a business major, I was assigned a second academic advisor, one who, like my history professor, encouraged me to use the passion and talent God has given me. My advisor, whom I only met with once, didn’t discourage me from business, but he clearly doubted that field would fully use who I was, or satisfy me. He suggested I work on my own projects alongside school, and he connected me with a published author who works on campus. He showed me how many people would love to help me pursue writing if I wished.

I’m now about twenty years old. I have three novel length stories done, as rough as they may be, and two more book ideas, one of them non-fiction. I have connections at my school, people who love to help students nurture their talent and achieve their dreams. The contact information for a published author sits in my computer. 

Ep 2 of Space Brothers, after Mutta passes the written test
stage of application to JAXA

I’ve applied for “normal” summer jobs, and even had an interview, but no matter how hard I tried to convince myself I was a good applicant, both I and the employers knew otherwise. I’ve only been hired for odd jobs and for tutoring. I’m free to foster my dream, just as Mutta was when his “normal” job fell through.

So why haven’t I started? Why do I dawdle? Why don’t I jump gratefully to use the time and gifts God has given me? Why do I spend more time indulging in momentary pleasures than striving to glorify Him? Why won’t I act diligently with what I have?

I don’t know. But I’m determined to change, with His help. Everything is in place. I don’t want to wait until I’m Mutta’s age to pursue my dreams. I don’t want to push aside the opportunities my Hibitos and Sharons have presented me. This is my second chance to dream big. I have no excuse not to take it.