Farewell, Tomoko

As of the eighth episode, the novelty of Watamote's realistic(ish) premise has worn off. For a while, I, like many others, found Tomoko to be a relatable character. I focused on what I had in common with this socially anxious teen, rather than the glaring differences. I planned to root for Tomoko until the end, and hoped to see her gradually overcome her social anxiety and twisted thinking. Unfortunately, I don't think I can stick around long enough to watch her overcome anything. I'm not sure I'll be able to finish this episode, actually.

I'm learning more and more about how twisted Tomoko is. I still care for her and want her to succeed in life, but I can't hang out around her if she keeps doing and saying things that I'm this uncomfortable with.

Tomoko wanted her younger cousin to think she had
hickeys, so she used a vacuum cleaner on herself. Her
ideas of what's "cool" and "mature" for a high school girl
are a little off... (ep 8)

I still care about Tomoko as much as for any character in an anime drama. I wish I could continue with her through her painful high school journey. But I cannot keep company with her. It just isn't good for me. It seems like each episode, we see more of her erotic fantasies and habits. Sure, very few of those are explicitly shown. In fact, I have no doubt that much of it would have gone way over my head two years ago. But it's enough. I must say goodbye, despite my previous resolution to watch to the end.

It's been a while since I last decided to drop an anime halfway through due to personal convictions. In fact, the last one I recall was Gankutsuou: the Count of Monte Cristo a few years ago. Even then, I only marked it as "stalled," with the thought that someday, when I was a little older, it might be okay for me. There have been some anime that I dropped after only one or two episodes. There have also been some that I probably should have dropped but didn't. Unfortunately, Watamote has crossed the line.

To be clear, this is not meant to be a judgmental statement in anyway. I'm not quitting Watamote because Tomoko did something I firmly believe to be wrong. If that was the only criteria, my list of watchable shows, anime or live action, would be very short. I'm quitting because I don't like that stuff littering my mind. Some Christians may be able to watch this show without it affecting the purity of their thoughts. I don't think I can. For similar reasons, I've unsubscribed from YouTube channels and marked songs as "disliked" on Pandora. I've even considered unfollowing Twitter feeds that have a very high frequency of R-rated tweets (that's a harder decision, especially if I've had any interaction with the person). My personal strengths lie in my mind, which means my weaknesses do, too. I'm not great at dwelling only on "whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable" (Philippians 4:8). I just hope that, for me, dropping shows like Watamote will help the images in my mind stay clean. It's a small step, and I know I could benefit from greater discernment with what I watch. But it's a step, at least.

So, farewell, Tomoko. I wish you well. If I have the time, I'll keep up with you by reading other people's blogs and tweets.

To the reader: different shows impact different people in different ways. There are some TV-MA level anime that seem to leave no damage to my mind and conscience, but would scar others. Same vice-versa. How do you feel about Watamote? Any comments on the subject of discernment in what you watch?

Summer 2013: Quick Halfway Thoughts

I'm heading back to school really soon, which means my life's about to get busier. However, I will not abandon my blog like I did for so long during this past school year. While I won't blog with the same frequency I did earlier this summer, you can at least expect my weekly "Rewind" posts.

I'm not sure how much anime I'll be able to watch. I'll have to see if I have enough anime time to warrant keeping a Crunchyroll membership. I've enjoyed keeping up with this season using a free trial. At the very least, I want to finish up this summer's anime before I go back to being a week behind on everything.

What's got me following this season so closely?

First of all, Naruto Shippuden. But if you've been following this blog at all, you already knew that.

Attack on Titan. Well, duh. This anime is super popular right now, and for good reason. The animation is beautiful. The story is captivating. The action and violence evoke both excitement and shock. The suspense has me teetering at the edge of my seat. If this quality keeps up, Attack on Titan will make my list of all time favorites.

Hunter x Hunter. The ninety-third episode just aired. So far, only three of those episodes have been of the flashback/filler variety. It has everything I love about stereotypical shounen anime, and very little that I don't. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: if you're a fan of shounen anime, and for some pathetic reason you haven't tried Hunter x Hunter, then stop what you're doing and go to Crunchyroll. Now. 

Servant x Service. When I heard that this gem was thought up by the same person as Working!!, I knew I needed to try it out. I was not disappointed. The animation, the humor, and even the music has the same fun flavor to it as Working!! does. Yet it has enough differences to keep me entertained.

Watamote. It's painful, but I watch it regularly anyway.

Shiori in episode 2 of KamiNomi.

KamiNomi. Keima and the girls are in serious trouble... but this is still a lighthearted, fun anime. Great to watch right after Watamote. In recent episodes, I've particularly enjoyed Shiori, the library girl.

Space Brothers. I've gotten a couple weeks behind on this one again, but I still really like it. It's just one of those shows that's more fun when I marathon several episodes at a time.

There other anime that I'm following (or sort of following) this season, but they don't get me quite as excited:

Brothers Conflict. Why? Because I'm going to finish what I started. Yeah, that really is the only reason I'm still watching this reverse harem.

Silver Spoon. I love watching city folk when they're outside their natural habitat. Whether they're worried about cougars in the empty lot in their neighborhood or, in this case, freaking out about where chicken eggs come from, they are quite entertaining. I'm sure they'd have found me just as entertaining during my first trip to New York City or LA, so I don't feel bad chuckling at their antics. Despite that, I haven't gotten excited enough to keep up with this one each week. It was good, but... I guess I just wasn't in the mood last time I started an episode.

Monokuma, one of the strangest
antagonists I've ever seen.

Danganronpa. This is quite entertaining. Its wackiness, from the pink blood to the entire premise, makes me smile despite all the homicides. Whenever these kids are investigating to see which classmate killed the latest victim, I think about the ending of the board game Clue: It was _____! In the locker room! With the candlestick! It's not the greatest show this season, but it's still fun to watch. I find it noteworthy that the evil "principal" in Danganronpa and the boss in Servant x Service are both stuffed animals.

Recorder to Randoseru Mi. When I first found out that Recorder and Randsell got another season, I thought, "Seriously? How?" I got the answer quickly enough: Even folk like me who don't always enjoy the humor are willing to waste three minutes on it each week.

My summer vacation is coming to an end, but we're still only halfway through the anime season. I look forward to seeing what these shows have to offer over the next couple weeks! 

Watamote and Feeling Left Behind

Growing up ain’t pretty, and it rarely happens the way you expect. There are pretty parts to it, sure. For example, I really liked my prom dress. But, a lot of the time, those awkward years feel a whole lot more like WataMote (aka Watashi ga Motenai no wa Dou Kangaetemo Omaera ga Warui!, aka No Matter How I Look at it, It's Your Guys' Fault I'm Unpopular!) than, say, The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi. And, unfortunately, there’s no rule that says you graduate from all those in-between feelings at the same time you graduate from high school.

Screenshot from WataMote ep 2. Tomoko isn't
quite as popular as she'd hoped to be.

Tomoko’s a high school first year, and this stage of her life isn’t going as well as expected. She feels like she's behind where she should be. I’ve often felt quite similarly. Maybe you have, too.

Today, my mom and I talked to a childhood playmate of mine. He’s grown up a lot, and seems like a very responsible young man as he thinks about college, work, money, and a serious relationship. My little sister has been working her current job for over a year, she’s had a car for almost as long, and she just got married. A childhood friend is married, about to finish college, and appears to be a wonderful, mature, godly member of the adult word (but still as fun as always). Other friends have moved out of their parents' houses, gone to other cities, held down jobs, and paid their own rent. 

Sometimes, I feel like I’m being left behind. 

I don’t have a steady job. Last year, I had a work study position that gave me five hours a week, and I'm hoping to get at least that many hours again this year, but it's not guaranteed. In fits of insecurity, I’ve talked myself out of applying to other jobs that I might have been able to get. I still rely heavily on my parents for the necessities of life, although I buy a few things on my own, such as clothing and school books. I don’t have my own car. 

Yes, I realize I'm not the only one my age who's in this position, even among my friends. But my perspective isn't always so clear.

I used to think that when I hit college, I’d be an adult, able to function mostly on my own. After all, my parents met in college, and they got married when Mom was 19 and Dad was 22. They both had jobs and, obviously, lived away from their parents. Plus, at 18, I’d legally be an adult. That meant I should have a job and be fairly independent, right?

When high school rolled around and I still wasn’t comfortable around guys, I realized that my life wasn’t going to play out like my mom’s. I was truly okay with that. 

Then, when high school graduation approached, despite my pleas for time to slow down, I was a train wreck and realized that I needed to take a year off from school. I wasn’t mentally or emotionally ready to move on with my life. That was a hard decision, but it took a burden off my shoulders. Eventually, I came to terms with the fact that I’d be a year behind many of my former classmates once I did enter college.

Then, last year, I finally went off to school. I’d grown a lot, but I was still reliant on my parents to help me maneuver the “adult world” and the things that came with it, like job searching, taking out loans, and understanding all the stuff that the school’s business and financial aid offices sent me.

I’ve had to let go of many of my old expectations for the young-adult-me. I’ve also had to tell myself not to play the comparing game. 

This isn’t anything new. I started to feel left behind many years ago, when I noticed some of my childhood friends "growing up" without me. I remember wondering if my slightly older friend would still like to play “childish” make believe games with me, and being too insecure to ask her. That was when I was ten. By the time I was sixteen, I felt like she was even further ahead of me, out of my reach.

All of these feelings add up, and they are a large part of how I relate to Tomoko in Watamote. Tomoko has all these expectations about how life will change in high school. High school status will eliminate her social awkwardness. She’ll be a respectable high schooler, and popular with the boys. 

As it turns out, entering high school isn’t quite as magical as Tomoko expected. It’s not just that the boys don’t care about her. She goes months without talking to anyone at school, male or female. Her social anxiety is stronger than ever. 

Still, Tomoko isn’t completely alone. She has a friend from middle school, an otaku like herself. She remembers her friend, Yuu, as being even more awkward than she was. When they get together for the first time in a long time, Tomoko is startled to see that Yuu is more fashionable than before. Still, they have a wonderful time talking about their fandoms, playing games, and just hanging out as if nothing had changed since middle school. For once, Tomoko is able to relax, lose some of her self consciousness, and enjoy friendship. 

Then, at the end of the day, Yuu drops the bomb: she’d been upset and needed time with Tomoko because she had her first fight with her boyfriend. Her boyfriend! 

A not so happy ending to a happy day in episode 2.

With that, all of Tomoko’s feelings of security go out the window. She once felt like the leader, like she had better social skills than shy Yuu-chan. Now, she watches her cheerful friend run off, and she’s left behind. She puts on her headphones and retreats within herself once more. 

My heart aches for Tomoko as she stands alone. It’s bad enough that her high school self doesn’t meet her expectations. Now, she’s not just behind her expectations; in her mind, she’s behind her only friend. 

That sucks. At least I can recognize that my old expectations for myself were unrealistic. I can also recognize that my peers and I have different strengths and weaknesses. It’s been a struggle at times, but I strive not to compare myself to them. Compared to God, we’re all equally inadequate anyway, so I try not to use my friends to measure myself. Besides, my understanding of those around me isn’t completely accurate. For all I know, I could be as off base about them as Tomoko usually is.

I still feel inadequate and left behind at times. I combat these feelings with truth about who I am as God’s daughter, and about who He’s made me to be. I talk with people I trust to straighten out potentially twisted thinking about myself and others. Usually, that means a conversation with my mom. 

I am me. Thus, it makes sense that my young womanhood is different than my sister’s or my friends’. And I’m human, so life won’t go smoothly. My expectations and reality won’t always match up. I can accept that... mostly.

I just wish Tomoko could come to the same conclusion. It’s painful to watch her, yet I will continue to endure it in the hope that, someday, things will get better. The process might not be pretty, but if she revises her expectations, she might discover what I have: it's fine to be "left behind," because, in truth, her path is different from Yuu's. It's her own. And if she allows her perspective to change, she'll find that her path isn't all bad, even if it doesn't match up with her anime-inspired dreams.