Update and Rambling

On Friday, at the end of my Rewind post, I mentioned that I was writing a post for Beneath the Tangles. It went up yesterday. I just realized that I've linked to it on Facebook, Twitter, and Tumblr... but not here. So, allow me to remedy that:

Kuroko's Basketball and Imitating Christ

I still haven't begun my column, but that, too, will come earlier than I originally planned. 

I have a lot of ideas rolling around my head and journal relating Kurobas and to sports anime in general. I'll try to break from that theme before long. I want BtT readers to know I do have a more well-rounded taste in anime... it's just that my time is limited, and I'm excited about Kuroko's Basketball right now. If I think about something long enough, either I bring it into the depths of my mind and heart, to mingle with faith and studies, or I grow bored and abandon it. Obviously, Kurobas fits into the first class. 

But, for now, I must force my brain away from aniblogging and focus on studying. I have a lot of reading to catch up on, among other things. I've already spent some time today reading Jane Eyre, and I can hear Bronte's style echo in my mind. Her affect on my word choice may wear off soon, but I suspect it will affect the mood of my fictional writing for the duration of the semester, at the very least—and probably longer.

Hints of the Eternal Story in Gungrave

Dead week is ending, finals are coming, and I'm more Swamped than ever. Thankfully, a little over a month ago, I had a chance to center my homework around Gungrave, my favorite anime. We were to write a brief paper about how something from pop culture reflected truths about God's story. I'm changing some wording to fit this blog's audience better, but other than that, I'm pretty much posting the paper as-is. And adding screenshots.

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This is a very brief overview of some ways that Gungrave reflects truths about us and about God (most likely without the makers realizing it). Eventually, maybe I'll write in-depth posts about some of these details. Also, I'd like to analyze what the main characters' values are, and how they contrast with a Christian point of view. But not today. Today, I focus on hints and reflections of truth.

*Spoilers ahead!* Pretty much all the important parts of the plot are spoiled. So read at your own risk. If you're interested in a more "typical" review with less spoilers and a little bit of fangirling, see my Rewind post from 2013.

Summary of Gungrave 

Gungrave is an anime that crosses mafia drama with science fiction. It centers around loyal Brandon and ambitious Harry, best friends who, as young men, become involved in a mafia-like syndicate called Millennion. They work their way up, into the leader, Big Daddy’s, inner circle, or “family.” Then Harry prepares to betray Big Daddy and everyone loyal to him. This includes Brandon. But Brandon anticipates this. Before Harry kills him, he makes arrangements for a procedure that allows him to become “Beyond the Grave.” Thirteen years later, Brandon returns to kill his best friend and everyone else who betrayed Millennion. It’s love and honor that drive him to kill, not hateful revenge. This is beautifully illustrated in the last episode, when he and Harry die together in the abandoned cafe they lived in as street kids. 

Brandon is on the left of this screenshot, in the black suit. He is an enforcer
for Millennion, which means he does the dirty work associated with avenging,
protecting, and enforcing a code of loyalty. He works in the dark, while Harry
wears the white suit of budding leadership. But in this scene, Brandon is the one
standing in the light, as his best friend's true colors are finally
revealed. Love the symbolism of this! (ep 14)

Hints of God's Story

Brandon provides an illustration of God’s unconditional love, paired with his justice. He still loves Harry, and he gives him ample opportunity to change. But when Harry won’t turn back, Brandon prepares to kill him. He further echoes Jesus when he is killed by Harry, and when his other comrades join Harry’s betrayal. He dies at the hands of the very people he loves, but he does not resent them. Instead, he returns, to bring “justice” and, to what extent is possible, reconcile relationships. Similarly, Jesus died and rose again without resentment, to redeem us from sin. And, also similarly, Jesus will return to judge the living and the dead.

Hints of Creation [Of who and what we were made to be] 

Deep relationships, especially platonic and familial ones, provide a strong theme throughout Gungrave. Before the Fall, Adam and Eve had a pure relationship between themselves and God, untainted by deceit or greed. Humans aren’t made to live alone, and that shows in Gungrave. Brandon is especially good at valuing fellowship, but Harry gravitates to family-like groups, too. First, it’s their little gang in the slums. Then, it’s Millenion. Harry even gets married. Since wives, unlike best friends, are kept out of mafia business, he enjoys a relatively fulfilling relationship. 

Hints of Fall [Of how messed up we've become since the events recorded in Gen. 3]

Death, specifically murder, is an obvious hint throughout Gungrave. But the hints that resonate more deeply come from broken relationships. Sin prevents Brandon from a relationship with his beloved Maria. He is too involved in underworld dealings—and too loyal to Harry—to be a stable man for her. When stated like that, it sounds like an illustration of the separation between God and Man after the Fall. (Now there is a topic I'd like to explore—Maria and Brandon's relationship as a reflection of the human condition.) Most glaringly, Harry does not understand that selfless love and loyalty are infinitely more valuable than power and money. Thus, he accuses Brandon of betraying him by standing in his way. Instead of trusting his friend’s goodwill, he kills him—much like Eve and Adam chose not to trust God’s command. Harry misplaces his trust and confuses his priorities, just like so many of us do when blinded by the allure of sin. 

Hints of Redemption [Of reconciliation, bringing us and the world back into our proper relationship with God]

There is an echo of redeeming love in the last episode of Gungrave. Brandon finally begins to get through to Harry, to remind him of the friendship they used to have. At times, the screen shows them as their younger selves, from before Millenion.  Past and present mix in their last minutes, and they see dead friends. This gives hints of an afterlife, and of reunion with loved ones. With Brandon’s last words right before they shoot each other, he suggests they return to their childhood, to days of freedom. In the last scene, they do just that. We see the day Brandon and Harry meet at the orphanage. It shows restoration of relationships, innocence, and freedom.

Conclusion

This is one of my favorite anime, and I’m sure it’s largely because of the elements outlined here. It shows the broken nature of human life and relationships, but it also values both of them very deeply. God isn’t acknowledged in this anime, but it does acknowledge our ability to love despite the worst, and without letting go of justice. That is something that God created, that reflects him, and is beautiful even in the most broken settings.

Lessons from those Pushover Anime Characters

I'm categorizing this as a Swamped post. I probably have time to do a normal Rewind, but, as I sat in chapel today yesterday, I realized that this needed to be written instead.

Sometimes, anime girls are pushovers, or at least "unrealistically" selfless. I see characters like Moriyama Shiemi from Blue Exorcist, Ema from Brothers Conflict, or Honda Tohru from Fruits Basket, and I can't help but sigh. Seriously? I say, Why do they let their so-called-friends treat them like that? or Are they really going to continue pining for that jerk and making him lunch? or Girl, it's okay to think about yourself and ask for help every now and then! You don't always need to worry that you're inconveniencing someone!

Tohru is her usual thoughtful self in episode 4 of Fruits Basket. In
this scene, she gives onigiri to an obnoxious girl who, in pursuing
Kyo, wrecked the house.

In some cases, like Ema's, the character is in an abusive situation (even if the anime doesn't recognize it as abusive), and my annoyance is warranted. Letting your stepbrothers harass you is not kindness, and it's certainly not how you show any type of love. But, in many cases, I shouldn't be rolling my eyes. Instead, I should look at these characters as role models--flawed, naive role models, but admirable nonetheless. They, unlike me, habitually put others first, even when it gets in the way of their own health and goals.

As an American woman, I struggle with this kind of selflessness. Our culture tells me to worship my own health and pleasure. For example: I'm an introvert, so I'm entitled to my alone time, even when a friend needs to talk, or a coworker needs a sub. After my mental and physical health, my grades take priority, even if I feel the Spirit nudging me to watch all the dishes in the sink, and not just mine.

But I know better. Jesus set a radical example of selfless love (much more radical than waking up early to pack an extra bento box). And I've often wrestled with Paul's words on the topic, written to the Philippian church:

3 Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. 4 Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. 5 Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus,[a]6 who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, 7 but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant,[b] being born in the likeness of men. 8 And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. (Philippans 2:3-8, ESV, emphasis mine)

My culture tells me that I'm the most significant person in my life. Biblically, I know that's a lie. Jesus is the most significant person in anyone's life, including his own--yet even he set aside the perks of Godhood and became one of us, complete with dirt, pain sensory, and taxes. He served us, sinners, in both life and death--and a very painful death at that. If you've seen third episode of Akame ga Kill, you might remember that crucifixion was briefly mentioned/shown as an example of the Empire's cruelty and perversion. It's one of the worst ways to die. And that is the kind of selflessness God calls me to imitate.

On a more lighthearted, but still convicting level, anime characters show me how to live out this selfless love in everyday life. Here are a few examples (and I'm expanding to male characters as well):

Kaori in One Week Friends spends hours in the kitchen, at the cost of her sleep, in order to find the perfect sweetness for Hase-kun's eggs. She measures the sugar down to the last gram--if that's not actively looking out for someone else's interests, I don't know what is.

Kuroko seeks no glory for himself in Kuroko's Basketball. In fact, he describes himself as the shadow to Kagami's light. He gets more attention as his high school career continues, but it's still all about the team. Wow. I should think about how I can incorporate this attitude into my schoolwork (I don't play sports), especially group presentations. Even my participation in class discussion could stand to be more about the class and what we're discussing and less about my interpretation of the text.

Honda Tohru in Fruits Basket is homeless, although her relatives think she's living with friends. She doesn't want to inconvenience anyone, especially since she knows they have their own problems (like an already-crowded house). So she lives in a tent at the beginning of the show, while everyone thinks she's in a proper home. Granted, this is an extreme example. But it's easy for me to think I have a right to get attention when I'm in an unideal situation. I let people know if I'm really hungry and forgot to bring a snack to school--even if I don't accept food for them, I want pity, or at least attention. And to what end? To make them feel bad? That's wrong. The world does not revolve around me. Sometimes, we should accept help--Tohru needs to learn that. But often, we need to shut up and care about someone else's problems, even their little problems--I need to learn that.

To reference another basketball anime: Aikawa from Dear Boys (aka Hoop Days) was captain of an his old high school basketball team before he transferred to Mizuho. He gives up leadership of a winning team of his own accord, and, as a result, saves the Mizuho basketball team in more ways than one. He cares about his new teammates both on and off the court, singlehandedly securing the anime's place in my memory (and I really do mean singlehandedly--this ain't KuroBas).

That's all I have for now, although I should revisit this topic in the future. Even if I don't blog about it again, I guarantee it will pop up in my devotions and journalling (although not as often as it should). Selflessness doesn't come as easily to me as it does to several of these characters... probably because I'm a real human being, fighting non-fictional sin. But I do have one thing that none of these characters have: a relationship with Jesus. Any improvements in my attitude are thanks to him, who can transform my heart, and not just my motions. I'm too naturally selfish to make much progress on my own.

Gon's Dark Version of Redemption

I watched episode 131 of Hunter x Hunter. Then I turned the lights off and watched it again. Everything about this episode, from visuals to music to script, was crafted for the optimum emotional punch, to both characters and audience. As I started writing this blog post and sorting through screenshots, I found even more details and connections I'd missed. Finally, near the end, I reached the heart of the matter: Gon's need for redemption.

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Spoilers obviously lie ahead, once I find the words to express why this episode affected me—and other fans—so much.

For several months, we've watched Gon transform into a much darker version of himself. In this episode, the transformation becomes even more tagible.

Near the beginning, I get excited because Killua is ready for action. I forget that Hunter x Hunter won't let me have fun watching battles right now. Lives—souls, even—are on the line. I don't get to squeal and clap and grin, cheering on my favorite characters.

Instead, my forehead wrinkles and my eyes widen. I gasp, and I alternate between covering my mouth and letting it hang open.

Gon at the beginning of ep 131, after Pitou tells him Kite is dead.
His eyes show his mind's inability to process data, even while the
tears flow.

Gon, I murmur, watching as he slowly absorbs the reality of Kite's death and Pitou's intentions. Please, Kiddo.

The visuals in this show impress me almost constantly, largely because of the facial expressions. Look at the screenshot above. His face is well-lit, untouched by hatred—for the moment, he can't even process anger. He is vulnerable, childlike, as his blank eyes overflow with tears.

There is no music as Pitou heals her arm, preparing for battle. The absence of extra sound reinforces Gon's blank state.

Then, change. Darkness, wind, and aura gather, and audio effects gather with them. The wind snuffs out candles, and a supernatural feeling grows. The first time I watch, I wonder if I should turn my bedroom lights off, to match what I'm seeing. The second time I watch, the lights are already off, enhancing the already-strong visuals that follow.

"I don't care if this is the end," Gon says quietly. "So I'll use
everything."

I write down Gon's haunting words. If the last few dozen episodes didn't build up to this so well, I wouldn't be able to believe it. As it is, his intense emotions make me think. For some reason, I never felt very attached to Kite, and I remember his death a lot better than his life. Perhaps I should re-watch some older episodes, because I have a hard time empathizing with Gon.

Still, my emotions are not completely detached. No other anime has worried me so much by giving power to the main character.

Gon mid-transformation is scary. Reminds me of a partially-manifested
Nine Tails from Naruto. The comparison to that fox demon seems
especially apt in this scenario.

I'm not the only one worried. Pitou watches, terrified. As she sensed would happen, "His power is now equal to that of the King!"

Her words surprise me. The King's nearly divine qualities convinced me that none of the main characters could touch him—at least, not for another hundred episodes. These young'uns aren't strong enough, and the adult with the most promise died.

I wasn't completely wrong in my summation of Gon's strength—he just grew in an unnatural way. Pitou says his sudden power should come from many years of training, and his transformed body matches her words. He suddenly looks much, much older. He already had more muscles than most 12- to 13-year-olds, but now his muscles are ridiculous, he's as tall as an adult, and he has as much hair as Rapunzel.

I'm not sure I like this transformation as part of the overall presentation, and I definitely don't like what it means for Gon. But neither Gon nor Togashi Yoshihiro (the original mangaka) care how I feel about this, so I'm forced to set aside any discontent and focus on what comes next.

Thankfully, Pitou's not so scared that she can't think. We're privy to her thoughts as she processes what's happening, and her thoughts reinforce my ever-present concern for Gon: "This power could only be achieved through the sacrifice of his own life energy. He is prepared to never us Nen again. That was the resolve required to perform this feat."

It's surreal to hear Gon say, "First comes rock" in this form.
Also, I think this frame is beautiful. The light is wonderfully
done, especially as it reflects from the leaves.

Pitou is glad that she, not the King, is Gon's target. I, on the other hand, wish he would stop. Hatred is a terrible reason to battle, and there is nothing noble about sacrificing one's self solely for vengeance. A few months ago, I looked forward to seeing Gon power up and fight Pitou. Now that I've seen the reality, I wish he'd never met her. There is nothing satisfying about her death, not for me. He continues punching her after she's down . . . I don't think I've seen him that murderous before.

Killua finally arrives, but he's too late. He can't protect Gon from himself, although he tries. Killua can hardly even recognize him at first.

In the next segment, the graphics are stripped down to black, white, and, contrasted against it, red blood. It reminds me of Kurapika's confrontation with the Spiders in episode 47. Very similar visual effects were used for his moment of vengeance. It presents a stark picture, stripped of beauty and glory. There's a disconnect between the characters' psychological states and the horror of the gore around them. This is even more true now, with Gon, than it was with Kurapika.

In this episode, the nearly monochrome part starts after Gon kills Pitou. He stands there, covered in Chimera Ant blood and staring at his hands. Tears trickle from his eyes. He's still thinking of his dead friend, and his mind can't yet consider the full implications of what he's done.

Gon doesn't notice when Pitou's body moves. Even I don't fully register what happens, partially because I'm so sucked into the psychological conflict. Only Killua sees, and he bolts forward.

An arm flies. At first, I think it's Pitou's. Then I hear Gon's whisper to Killua: "It's okay. It doesn't hurt. I'm not trying to be tough. I'm kind of happy. I finally get to be the same as Kite was back then." He's referring to how Pitou took Kite's arm (ep 85).

As all this is happening, a quiet, melancholy, piano variation
of the ending theme plays in the background, adding even
more dimension.

Killua's expression is heartbreaking. "Gon," he says softly.

"I feel like I've been redeemed some."

At this moment, I realize that Gon's thinking is even more twisted than I thought. We glimpsed some of this in last week's episode, as he alternately blamed the Chimera Ant and himself. Pitou isn't the only target of Gon's vengeful anger, and he isn't just sacrificing himself; there's an element of self-punishment to this, too. That's why he's willing to kill Pitou at the expense of his own life.

When he loses his arm, like Kite did protecting them, Gon believes he's partially paid the price for his part in Kite's death. That's what "redeem" means: to compensate or to buy. I'm trusting that the translators picked the right word here, since I can only work with the English.

If his arm "redeems" him a little, than what will redeem him completely? Only one payment comes to my mind, and I'm sure it's in Gon's mind as well: he owes his life, and he's willing to pay it through death. Even if he only loses all Nen ability, he considers it part of the payment he owes.

He's not thinking of the future, of the people he can help and the good he can do. He's stuck in his tragedy. And he places his hopes for redemption in death, starting with Pitou. But there is no hope or redemption in death.

I expect to see Gon and Killua alive in the next episode, and for many episodes to come. But the physical and psychological damage will be severe, and it will be interesting to see how Gon heals. (And he'd better heal. I don't care if it takes a hundred episodes, and I understand that he'll never be the same. But he'd better heal.)

As his Nen manifests, Gon looks back at Killua one last time, then
delivers the final, explosive blow to Pitou and her death-transcending
Nen ability. Click to enlarge. There are tears in his eyes.

I don't know how to help Gon, although I suspect friendship will have a lot to do with it. If he were real, and not just an anime character, I'd know what to hope.

In real life, I know the way to redemption. Jesus' blood paid the price for all our sins. It's a price that none of us could afford. His sacrifice redeemed me—and all of us—from sin and death. But that was only part of his plan.

Jesus came back to life, giving us hope. Without the Resurrection, his death would mean nothing. He didn't just save us from death. He saved us to life. That's why I have such a hard time watching anyone—real or fictional—look to death and enslavement for redemption.

I realize that, as a secular anime character, Gon has no access to the hope I've found. If he's to be saved, it will be by a substitute hope, provided by his mangaka. Still, I want to tell him, "Wake up! This is not what Kite saved you for! If you want to be like him, to honor him, then give him your life, not your death. Your arm will do more good attached to your body than driven through that ant's chest. Don't follow your hero to the grave. You can't earn your own redemption, Gon, and you definitely can't earn it like this. I wish you lived in reality, where my hero could become your hero, and you could follow him to life!"

Gon can't earn his own redemption anymore than I can. When he tries to earn it by making himself powerful in an unnatural, life-draining way, he gets no closer to real hope.

I gave up trying to earn my own way long ago. It's as much my fault as anyone else's that Jesus was crucified. Human nature is sinful, has been since the Fall, and I was too weak to resist actively sinning each day, too weak to rescue myself. That's why Jesus died: Only he could make things right between us and God. How am I supposed to react? Am I supposed to feel so guilty, I surrender myself to death? No! That would be ludicrous. I'm supposed to accept God's gift of redemption thankfully and surrender myself to life—true, abundant life following my Lord.

Since Gon, being fictional, can't embrace the freedom Jesus offers, I'll settle for whatever substitute Togashi comes up with. But will Gon be open to it? He has a dark, twisted view of redemption, tangled with vengeance and anger. He needs to understand that his line of thinking is fruitless, and he must soften his heart, let others help him. I think that will happen someday.

And so I wait, hopefully, eagerly, for the day he smiles again.

Don't be Passionate

Sometimes, I forget that it's uncool to be a geek, nerd, or otaku. It might be okay to watch a Miyazaki film or two, but don't become too absorbed. Or if you do, don't let anyone in the "real world" see it.

Sometimes, I forget that you're not supposed to love God so much, you can't keep it to yourself. You can do your Jesus thing at church or home, but don't tell people about it.

Sometimes, I forget that passion is scorned. "Love as you want," says the world, "but stay cool. Don't let me see any prolonged excitement from you."

There are exceptions to this rule, of course. For example, it's culturally acceptable to become borderline manic about a group of men wearing jerseys and throwing an oblong ball on Sundays.

But a lot of things aren't okay to be passionate about. Why?

Maybe it's because passion requires a response, and people don't know how to respond. Or they don't want to know. Or they know the right response, and they don't like it. It makes them uncomfortable.

Maybe it's because passion makes you vulnerable. You're putting your heart into something, and if it goes wrong, you'll be hurt. It's easier to close yourself to passion, to stand against excitement.

Maybe it's because passion has the power to change people, communities, countries, and even the world. Passion can bring the unknown, the new, the different. That's scary.

Don't be passionate, they say.

Don't make me uncomfortable.

Don't make yourself vulnerable, and if you must, then don't ask me to be vulnerable, too.

Passion is dangerous.

But passion is freeing.

We were made to be passionate.

We were made to feel deeply and love fully.

We were made to revel in creation,

to declare God's glory to the nations,

to sing and dance and shout our joy.

We were made by and for Jesus, whose passionate love took him to a painful death on a cross. Jesus, who wept for his dead friend, even though he was about to bring that friend back to life.

But don't be passionate, says the world. Don't be passionate about anime, sci-fi, or friends, and, most importantly, don't be passionate about God. Passion is for heroes and TV celebrities and maybe missionaries, but not for you.

Be a little quieter, they say.

I say, look to the geeks. Look to the otaku, the nerds, the fans constantly saturated in their fandoms. Look especially to those unafraid to tell the world about what they love. See their passion? They've tasted the wonders of enjoying something without reserve.

I say, look to the martyrs. Look to the men, women, and even children who are beaten and killed for their passionate faith in places like Nepal, Turkey, Senegal, and Somolia. They face painful persecution for sharing their beliefs, but they share it anyway. They know that, in Jesus, they can find more joy and life than found in anything else.

I say, be passionate. Live abundantly. Feel deeply. Love fully. Be who you were made to be.

Yes, do.

Be passionate.

Hunter x Hunter and Moral Sides

[Spoilers through episode 127. I wrote most of this before I watched the latest ep, which I may write about in the next couple days]
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Hunter x Hunter has blown me away with its recent episodes. The character development is masterfully done. Gon, the kind, merciful twelve-year-old kid from episode 1, has all but vanished. The light in his eyes is gone, replaced by, well... this:

On a more technical note, the animation has impressed me lately,
especially with how they portray Gon. I have a lot of screenshots
of him, since they've combined facial expressions, shadowing, and
angles in effective, heart-wrenching ways.

The screenshot above is from episode 116, in which we begin to see the ruthlessness, the anger, and the thirst for revenge that consume Gon. In this episode and more recent ones, I've searched his eyes for some sign that he's just pretending to be coldhearted. But his eyes are hard, his face shadowed by darkness. 

He's willing to hold Komugi, a sweet injured blind girl, hostage. And he seems pretty willing to actually follow through and hurt her. Again, I want to believe this is some cover tactic. But Gon's not that experienced with deception. I don't think he can act that well.

Right now, Gon is acting a whole lot like a bad guy. Look, I know he's been through a lot. I know he's upset about Kite. But that's no excuse. Actually, he could probably use a nice little talk about the drawbacks of revenge and hate from Naruto right now. Unfortunately, Naruto lives in a completely separate world (although I think his show could spare him right now, given his recently limited screen time).

Meanwhile, we've got Pitou, a Chimera Ant and known killer, protecting Komugi with her life... she is a bad guy, right? Maybe I need to go back and watch some of what she did to Kite, to help me regain perspective. Supposedly, she only cares about Komugi because the King cares for the girl. But right now, I'm starting to wonder about that.

The last dozen or more episodes begin to blur the moral lines between protagonists and antagonists. It's normal for anime bad guys to soften and become good guys. But Hunter x Hunter goes further than usual, forcing the audience to reconsider how they measure good and bad. It certainly can't be by race or stage of evolution (yes, Hunter x Hunter includes Darwinian evolution as an accepted part of the world, but that's for another post). A few chimera ants converted to the good side many episodes ago: Colt, Meleoron, Ikalgo. The King and Pitou are both becoming more sympathetic. More importantly, at the end of 126, the narrator suggests that Netero questions the real difference between Chimera Ants and Humans.

Netero - that's another example. Yes, we all love the ancient martial artist. But let's face it: he's ruthless. He won't consider sparing the King's life, and it's not just because the King is too dangerous. Rather, he has a job to complete, whether or not he completely agrees with it. He nearly kills the King without telling him his name, which he's longed to know. And, in the end, he uses a bomb implanted in him to kill the King and himself in one big explosion. Sure, he's awesome and heroic and all, but... perhaps such an action shows he is not as different from the Chimera Ants as we'd like to think.

Look at the royal guard: Yes, their moral compasses are warped. So far, they are completely devoted to what they perceive as the King's needs. There is no higher moral standard in their lives. Yet Youpi showed some respect and mercy with Knuckle. Pitou, as I already said, is almost emotionally invested in Komugi. And all three - Youpi, Pitou, and Pouf - are dedicated to their King emotionally and dutifully. Youpi and Pouf's response to the King's death is almost heartbreaking, especially knowing what we do about the King's softening heart. I dread their vengeance, for they look ready to fully embrace their demonic selves. Pitou's response still hangs in the balance.

Youpi, the big one, holds his king's remains, as Pouf's frantic
clones rush toward him. One of many heart-tugging, beautifully
animated scenes in episode 127.

Some of this is just good character development. But I think Hunter x Hunter is calling us to consider the distinctions between good and evil more deeply. How do you characterize good? By intentions? Being on the side you support? Emotions? Palatability? Is there a higher moral standard? Or is it all relative, based on the choices of individuals, groups, or cultures? Do the ends ever justify the means?

I don't know exactly what answers Hunter x Hunter will arrive at. It would appear, at least, that it's frowned upon to forget mercy entirely and resort to murder quickly.

Many of us, both in America and cultures across the world, live in a philosophically postmodern world. Moral boundaries are ambiguous, based on what's "right" for each individual or society. As a Christian, I try to stay alert to the postmodern messages around me. I believe that there is a higher moral standard, set by God. Sure, the morals are occasionally applied differently for different people and cultures. Because of that, I do agree that there are "grey areas," with room for interpretation. But I also believe that, the more a person studies the Bible and seeks godly understanding, the less grey situations will be. God is a God of justice, but also of mercy and love. Most people instinctively value each of those qualities. And, despite the corruption from our sin nature (the ultimate genetic disease), most people display at least some degree of justice, mercy, and love. So it makes sense that bad guys would be capable of showing some love, even if it's twisted love, as Pouf shows for the King (and becomes even more apparent in episode 128).

While villains are naturally able to show some good traits (in reality, this is because all humans are created in the image of God), ultimately, there are two sides: God's side and everyone else. Those who put their faith in Jesus as their savior and follow God will live eternally. They're on the winning team. Everyone else, like Satan, is living on borrowed time. There is a difference between the two.

We who follow God should strive, with His help, to obey Him. This includes cultivating some of the same traits He has, very similar to the ones a younger, more innocent Gon displayed: a strong sense of justice, value for life, love, and mercy. Like the [emotionally healthy] shounen hero, we should try to win over those who pit themselves against us and our Lord. So, yes, all you non-Christians who read this blog, be aware: I'm trying to win you over. I'm not as diligent as I ought to be, and, all too often, I write a too much for my own glory, rather than for God's. But I really want you to come on over to God's side of the line. Come to the bright side. We have cookies... sometimes. Actually, there can be a lot of hardship associated with this side. But, like most shounen protagonists, we also have the ultimate victory, so I recommend it.

I take interest in fights between good and evil, whether the conflict is internal or external, and Hunter x Hunter has both. I don't expect this anime's representation of moral conflict to be completely accurate (that would require acknowledgement of the Lord God). But I do hope that the "good guys," including Gon and Killua, will distinguish themselves by acting in mercy and love. I hope to see Gon redeemed from the hate that consumes his heart, and fully restored to the more recognizable "good guy" character. And I really hope that many of the current "bad guys" will join him. 

Is it Okay to use Anime as an Escape?

Last semester, I read through Faith and Pop Culture, a short Bible study put together by Christianity Today. It contains eight articles about engaging pop culture as Christians. It doesn't cover anime, of course, since it targets a broader audience, but the authors' opinions about watching film and TV line up with a lot of my opinions about watching anime. I often read with a grin on my face as I wrote "Yes!" and drew stars next to good points.

This semester, I've begun reading Hollywood Worldviews by Brian Godawa. So far, I've only read the preface through the first chapter. I agree with a lot of things he says. Still, Godawa makes some big claims, so I think over his points before I nod my head.

Both of these books, as well as one of my favorite professors, encourage Christians to be discerning while they watch movies and TV. They don't say we shouldn't watch anything with "bad" stuff in it - far from it! But they encourage us to avoid "cultural gluttony," as Brian Godawa calls it. Basically, don't consume loads of movies and other pop culture without thinking.

Okay, I think. That's sounds good. But what do I do when I need a break from thinking? Sometimes, it feels like my mind is trapped on a treadmill without a "stop" button. In those cases, I can't sleep, thinking practically hurts, and I just want passive entertainment to help my mind keep from overheating. Are you saying that's not okay?

So far, these authors haven't given me a good answer.

For the most part, though, I agree with them. Just from personal experience, I can think of four reasons to keep my mind engaged while watching anime:

1. What I watch influences me.
It might take months of repetition, but eventually, sexual "humor" will make it hard for me to look at ordinary objects and activities with the purity I once did. Words I don't want in my daily vocabulary will seep into my mind. Activities God calls sin won't seem as bad, and the human need for redemption won't seem so urgent. My mind must be alert, so I can process things rather than let them influence me negatively.

2. Each anime has an important story to tell, if I'm willing to listen. 
Even the most banal harem anime tells about human nature, our needs, and our desires. That doesn't mean such shows are worth my time, but if I decide to watch them anyway, I reflect on how they may appeal to some viewers. Other anime clearly present stories and questions that are worth thinking on. Clannad After Story shows me a precious perspective on love and family. Attack on Titan follows characters in a world full of violence, and I can choose to just enjoy the action... or I can take the opportunity to ask the same ethical questions some of the characters begin to ask: it it okay to become a monster (not like Eren does, but like some of the commanding officers do) in order to defeat the monsters?

Clannad and Clannad After Story told a tale that is worth
watching, that's for sure! I plan to feature it in this week's Rewind,
so more on this gem then.

3. I need to pay attention to content, so I know what I'm talking about. 
I blog and talk about anime and Christianity. I want to be truthful and thoughtful, especially if I reference my faith at all. Even if I'm not directly talking about God, I'm talking about art - anime - created by His creation. In turn, that anime reflects perspectives on the world, on human fallacy, on brokenness and redemption. So I need to be thoughtful. How this looks differs with each post, but it always requires some level of awareness of my topic. Ignorance due to turning my brain off is not a good excuse for deficiency in a blog post. Even lack of time doesn't give me license for carelessness (a fact, I admit, that I've forgotten on occasion, including in a few "Rewind" posts in the last six months).

4. God is with me, and He knows exactly what I'm watching and what goes through my mind. 
I don't believe that He's offended when I watch sinful actions - lying, stealing, even murder or rape. For one thing, if I'm paying attention when I read the Bible, God's Word, I'll find scenes of rape, incest, and murder (Brian Godawa reminds me of this in the first chapter of Hollywood Worldviews). There's solid context, of course, but the Bible would need a lot of fade-outs if it were to stay PG-13 in a TV series.

It's not new to God. He sees sin all the time, and it does offend Him, to put it mildly. But Jesus didn't come to save perfect people. His ministry was to people who messed up badly, so when Jesus, God-as-man-and-savior, walked on earth, He hung out with harlots and tax collectors (who were apparently grouped in with "sinners" even more than corrupt IRS officers). He knew, loved, and ministered to these people. I, as His follower, am to do the same, with the knowledge that I am one of them, and would meet the same doom if it weren't for Jesus. That said, when I start looking at evil as good, or my thoughts become corrupted, or I'm ignoring what God says about the actions on the screen, He knows. If I begin to objectify men, He knows. When I sin with my thoughts, He knows, and that sin offends Him. He doesn't love me less because of it, but that doesn't mean it's okay. Thus, I want to be aware of what I'm watching and how I'm processing it, lest my negligence opens my mind's door to evil. If I do find sin in my mind, I pray that I notice it, confront it, and apologize for it, because it's happening right in front of God. Not apologizing for something like that is plain disrespectful.

There are more reasons to be mindful about watching anime. I'm sure a few of them are sitting in the back of my mind, and I'll eventually remember them. But that doesn't mean every viewing session must turn into an academic study. And not every blog post needs to come with a devotional. I believe God delights in laughter and lightheartedness as much as deep contemplation. I believe God takes pleasure in beautiful things, including beautiful animation, and that I should take pleasure in the same things He does.

I believe it's okay to play and relax. Genesis says that on the seventh day, after God had created everything and called it good, He rested. He obviously didn't need to rest. God wasn't worn out. But He rested anyway. This leads me to think of the Sabbath, which the Israelites were to observe each week in a day of rest. I wonder how many merchants and farmers avoided burning themselves out simply by obeying the Sabbath day law. Similarly, every seven years, there was a "Sabbath of solemn rest for the land" a year in which they gave the land a break from reaping and sowing (Leviticus 25:4). Based on my extremely limited knowledge of farming, I can tell you that this helped with future harvests. Something about nutrients in the soil, or along those lines. When you constantly use all your resources - whether it's your mind, body, land, or time, effectiveness is lost. Rest is important. It's not just a necessity for an imperfect world, either. God, who is perfect, rested. Based on what I see in Genesis 2, I think it's safe to say that rest was part of His design for us before the Fall and introduction of human sin to the world.

Okay, so I don't need to constantly ponder big theological or academic topics. I can rest my weary mind. But can I rest it while watching anime? Can I use anime as my escape from the hamster wheel of serious thinking?

I would say yes, but with conditions:

1. I must not let my guard down unless it's safe. 
I wouldn't stop my car in a shady neighborhood to take a nap, even during the day. No matter how exhausted I was or how far away I was from my destination, I'd find a better place. At the very least, I'd  drive to a well-frequented park or store before I leaned back my seat and closed my eyes. Similarly, when I want to let my defenses down and rest, I shouldn't marathon a questionable anime. I wouldn't be able to relax all the way, anyway.

2. Before I escape into anime, I need to identify what I'm escaping from.
If I just need a break from thinking, then fine. Anime can force my mind out of a rut. I don't know the science of it, but it must use and stimulate my brain in different areas in different ways, so when I'm ready to go back to my thinking spot, I'm refreshed and ready for more pondering.

If, however, I'm trying to get rid of anxiety, escape is not the answer. It didn't work when I was sixteen, and it still doesn't work. Anxiety must be confronted. For me, journaling and praying work best. Besides, I promised God that I'd do the smart thing and get out my journal when I'm feeling anxious. It's bad enough to break my word to a parent or friend, but to God? Uh... if I do that, then I definitely have a respect issue to confess.

3. I must not use "rest" as an excuse to habitually binge on anime.
There's a difference between lazy indulgence and rest. If anime time is infringing on my productivity and even my sleep, then I'm not practicing a good type of rest. Too much binging muddles my mind.

4. I must know my limits.
Slowly but surely, I'm developing a kind of mindfulness that runs in the background. It's like anti-virus software, always there, usually invisible, and the more I develop it, the less energy it requires. It sorts through all input, and it's becoming increasingly effective, so fewer bugs get through. Every now and then, a warning will pop up, calling me to focus my mind. I glance at the warning, deal with it, then go on my way. Most of the time, I can make a small adjustment in how I see the show and continue watching. Sometimes, I have to bring my mind in full anti-virus mode. I'm better at all of this than I was a few years ago, but there are some shows that won't go through my filter so neatly. Maybe in as little as a year, I'll be able to handle them, if they're still worth my time. But for now, I'm not strong enough. I can't watch such anime when I want to escape, and it's possible that I just don't need to watch it, period.

I plan to continue chewing on this subject. I'm healthier in my anime habits than I used to be, but I still have a ways to go. For my mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical health, I need to be mindful of how I consume anime - and all other media, for that matter. Brian Godawa and others have great insights, but those insights aren't tailored to me.

---

I found an excerpt of Godawa's book online, under the title "Cultural Anorexics and Gluttons." I recommend reading at least this excerpt, especially if you're a Christian. Brian Godawa is a screenwriter, a Christian, and obviously a lover of film. He's put some thought into this.

Rewind: The Wallflower

Last time I wrote about The Wallflower, almost three years ago, it resulted in a reflective post. I've had a few years to reflect on the same topics and add to my thoughts. Those years show in this post, so it's a little more in depth than past "Rewind" posts.

It’s been a while since I watched or read The Wallflower (Yamato Nadeshiko Shichi Henge). But I’ve thought about it now and then, attempted to watch the dubbed version, and reread my old post on the series. It’s easy to remember the premise, and easier still to remember the appeal of it. I identified with the main character, Sunako. I wanted friends to reach out to me like the boys in The Wallflower reached out to her. I wanted to be special to a group of people, and perhaps especially special to a single young man, like Sunako was. I enjoyed the light romance, and the characters’ more charming moments made me giggle. The Wallflower gave me - and millions of other girls - a way to live a fantasy. Yes, it was unrealistic. Still, it addressed real needs: the need for acceptance, companionship, love, to be pursued. In its own way, The Wallflower addressed our need for salvation from ourselves and the darkness that encompasses us.

Sunako is a high school girl who loves horror. She spends her days hiding in her dark room, watching horror movies. When she must leave the safety of her room, she hides behind her long hair. She does not put care into her appearance. Her clothes are frumpy, and her skin could benefit from basic care. She carries the pain of rejection with her; two years ago, the boy she liked called her ugly. Even before that, she wasn’t exactly a social butterfly. Now, it’s yet another reason to stay in the shadows.

Her rich, traveling aunt wants to change her. She sends Sunako to live in her mansion with four stunningly handsome boys. In exchange for free rent, they are instructed to transform her into a beautiful lady. They don’t have much to work with. Sunako is not a willing subject, and if she looks directly at her housemates, she gets a nose bleed, as she does around all such “beautiful creatures.” She would prefer to stay in darkness with her horror movies and skulls. These habits have shaped her demeanor, so she actually scares the guys. Like her aunt, they'd much rather change her into something more "ladylike" than accept her for who she is, horror movies and all.

The young men, also students at her high school, are determined. At first, they try to draw her out of darkness because they want free rent. This turns into genuine care. They don’t all compete for her love. Unlike characters in certain recent reverse harem anime, these boys have somewhat varied tastes in women (and some sense of respect). But they become her friends and defenders. One of them becomes the key love interest.

One of the "ridiculous things" I'm referring
to. This particular adventure is in ep 3.

It’s a gradual process, and many ridiculous things happen along the way. I used anime and manga to escape reality much like Sunako used horror, so I enjoyed the unrealistic scenarios and the laughs they produced. This brand of shoujo romantic comedy held particular appeal at the time - by the end of 2010, I’d also watched Skip Beat, Fruits Basket, Kare Kano, Itazura na Kiss, and similar shows. They transported me to a different reality, a place where unlikely love bloomed between unlikely people in even more unlikely situations. I considered myself an extremely unlikely candidate for anything close to romance. I craved the kind of excitement and attention shoujo heroines experienced. I liked anime where the girl was stuck living with the guys, because she automatically got their notice and companionship. I escaped into the anime and lived through the characters, because by the end of 2010, my anxiety and depression were starting to suffocate me again. I wanted someone to notice, to save me from the downward spiral, to draw me into the light even if I resisted.

Of course, I’m not a shoujo heroine, so only my family, psychiatrist, and God seemed to realize my situation. Faced with that reality, I settled for watching Kyohei draw near to Sunako. I knew that wasn’t sufficient for me. Here’s an excerpt of what I posted on February 4, 2011:

“Why then do I forget Him? I read manga, watch anime, and dream of young gentlemen to fill a prince-shaped hole. Yet Jesus already came to fill that hole, and I already accepted Him for the divine Prince He is. Do I, deep down, not truly believe that He is enough? Does some part of me think I need to prove myself worthy of His love? Jesus’ radiance outshines that of any manga or anime character. I don’t get a bloody nose when I realize His presence, but I do get overwhelmed. He is far more than a hundred times as great as Kyohei, Tankenaga, or any other character in The Wallflower. In comparison, I feel like Sunako in her most diminutive form. Part of me wants to hide in my room, turn off the lights, and escape into an anime the way Sunako does with her horror movies. But the other part of me wants to venture into that brilliant light, brave my “bloody nose,” and find out more about the dazzling Prince who gave up everything for me, who pursues a relationship with scattered little me.”

I felt helpless at that point. I knew the truth of what I wrote - Jesus was sufficient. He loved me. I held onto those facts and tried not to let escape define every moment of my free time, tried not to ignore Him, tried to rely on Him. But it would be two more months before I reached my turning point, and several more months before the heavy-heartedness was gone.

I am grateful for my time in darkness. I’m glad it wasn’t worse, but I’m also glad it wasn’t easier. My obsessive attempts to use anime as an escape, my attempts to hide those wasted hours and late nights from my parents and those who I thought lived in light, my attempts to sort out my feelings and live more organized, more productive, more like the other, “healthy” kids - these showed me my helplessness, my brokenness, my weakness, my sinfulness.

By the time I graduated from high school, by the time I took a year off to heal, I was a little mroe humble. My relationship with Jesus had weathered the storms of teenage-hood, thanks to His faithfulness. I grasped Him desperately with my eyes squeezed shut, and He held me securely in His arms. And I came out of it with a better idea of how much I needed salvation, not just from eternal punishment, but from the weight of sin and brokenness everyday.

Sunako and the boys. I think we see their
comedic/diminuitive expressions more
often than their normal facial features.

I love watching anime characters pursue each other. In The Wallflower, Kyouhei and the others pursue Sunako, showing her that the light isn’t so bad. And when the shoe’s on the other foot, when Kyouhei is kidnapped or runs away, Sunako pursues him. I’ve discovered something pretty cool about reality, though: Jesus didn’t stop pursuing me when I became a Christian. He didn’t say, “okay, my work here is done. Time to pursue the next lost sheep.” When I stray, He comes and pulls me back to Him. I’ve learned, and continue to learn, to trust His passionate, pursuing love. I trust Him with my imperfections, trust Him to know those imperfections better than I do and still love me more than I can imagine. So I try not to hide from His light when I’m faced with my brokenness. He sees it anyway, and He’s able to heal me, to work with me, to use that brokenness for something beautiful. I’ve seen some of that already. He has filled every need that I felt addressed in The Wallflower, and He does so in a way that no one else can - not in real life, and certainly not in a fictional animated story. 

Now, I’m going to stop writing. “Rewind” posts are supposed to be short bits about shows I barely remember. Well, this post is about The Wallflower, but it’s also about things that have been on my mind in the three years since I first watched it. I could go on (in fact, I have), but I’ll save it for another post.

A Bigger Dream

I'm still shaking off the stress from this last semester. I learned a lot, but I didn't enjoy it like I'd hoped to. Homework loads defined each day. Thursdays stopped being Naruto Shippuden day and became Oh-thank-heavens-Wednesday-is-over day.

But it wasn't all bad. I took a writing class, which reinforced the obvious: I like writing enough to make it my major. When I told my family, they all said, "Finally!" 

There were valuable lessons in my other classes, too, even the ones I dreaded most. I suspect I'll be mulling over them for many months to come. And that, in part, is what leads me to write this post.

Back in June, I wrote "Space Brothers: Dreaming Big" and "Mutta and Me: A Second Chance to Dream Big." I ended the second by saying, "I don’t want to wait until I’m Mutta’s age to pursue my dreams. I don’t want to push aside the opportunities my Hibitos and Sharons have presented me. This is my second chance to dream big. I have no excuse not to take it."

I stand by what I said then. But I must admit that my dream to become a writer is too small. Or, to be precise, it's under-defined. 

I go to a Christian university. I take Bible classes and, when I can, I go to chapel. Even professors of history and writing encourage me in my faith. Sometimes, these sources approach the same theme from a different angle. This semester, that theme was the Great Commission. 

I've heard or read Matthew 28:18-20 many times, so it's not like the Great Commission was news to me:

Then Jesus came to them and said, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore, go and make disciples of every nation, baptizing them in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the end of the days." 

I've sung these words in Sunday School and written them in my journal. They're the words said in a resounding voice at the end of children's Easter movies, right before Jesus goes to heaven. But He didn't say these words just so we could repeat them. Our Lord was giving a command. And I can't claim it was a command just for his followers 2,000 years ago, either. Jesus told them to make more followers, and to teach them to obey everything He commanded. See that little "make disciples" part? That's a command. So Jesus told that group to make disciples who would make disciples who would make disciples... and I'm part of that chain. Oh snap. 

No, I'm not packing my bags and headed across the world to be a missionary. But I pray I'm open to the possibility. I have to come face to face with something I've known all along: I can't write just for my own sake. I can't live just for my own sake. The world is broken. I see it in the shootings in Colorado. I see it in my mistakes. I see it in hungry children and overworked mothers. I see it in stubborn politicians and thin pop stars. I see it in anime, books, and movies, because those creators see it, too. I feel the brokenness in my heart, and it hurts. 

I know where to find hope. I know who will renew the earth, who has won the battle against evil. If I call myself His servant, His friend, and His follower, then I can't hide from the pain. Jesus' deep compassion and His actions are connected. He left his throne and became one of us. He reached out to the suffering. He made disciples. He died a painful death and rose again, reconciling us to God. 

When I chose to embrace Jesus as my Lord, I chose a difficult path, and I like to pretend I didn't. I like to pretend I can slap "Christian values" onto my life choices and pursue the same type of success everyone else does. There's a big problem with that: Jesus values souls - people. I'm supposed to value people's souls the same way, and I'm supposed to value God's glory. Those kind of values can't be tacked on as an afterthought. 

Well, that's uncomfortable. Can I stop writing and go watch anime now? Please? I'd like to leave these thoughts for later, when I'm closer to graduating college or I'm accumulating debt at a slower rate. 

Following God is uncomfortable, but I'm not comfortable focusing on everyday comforts, either. I long for more, for a purpose in life that doesn't revolve around me. I want to write, but when I write just to get more readers, or praise, or money, I feel hollow. 

I'm taking steps toward professional writing. I'm learning more about the beauty and power of words. I want those words to glorify God. I'd like to contribute to the disciple making process. Sometimes, I'd just like to delight in the words God has given us to use, and to know that He takes pleasure in my delight. I'd like it if, no matter what kind of writing I do, it opens doors to conversations and relationships that bring glory to God. I want to highlight goodness and confront brokenness. 

If I want to take the risk and dream big, I must say, "You are my Lord. Here is my pen, my keyboard, my dream - use it for Your glory. Give me Your dream, because it's better than mine. I look forward to an eternity of living, obeying, and writing with You." 

God's dream is bigger than my dream to publish a book or Mutta's dream to go to the moon. It's bigger than Naruto's dream to become Hokage, or even his goal to bring back Sasuke. And the best part? God's dream is reality, and He's invited... well, actually, He's commanded me to join the effort to see it through. So when I dream about writing for a wide audience, I hope I catch myself and ask, "Am I dreaming big enough?"

My Little Monster: Unconditional Love

I slowly watched My Little Monster (aka Tonari no Kaibutsu-kun) over several months. It’s a slow shoujo romance anime, the kind I once avoided. It’s not quite interesting enough for me to marathon the thirteen episodes. In fact, I’m not entirely sure why it kept my attention long enough for me to finish it.

There isn’t much action, adventure, or suspense. I’ve long since expanded my horizons beyond action shows, but I still like them, and I still have trouble sitting through slow plots.

There is humor, but it only makes me smirk a little, at most.

The primary conflict is internal, within the main character, Mizutani Shizuku.

I guess I watched because I wanted to see her find her balance. I wanted her to be both a friend and a good student, to know when to prioritize what. I wanted her to find her identity beyond just being first (or second) in class.

Identity: isn’t that what we’re all searching for? Up to this point, Shizuku has relied on herself for identity, and her place at the top of the class is her affirmation. She is so wrapped up in her schoolwork, she doesn’t have time for anything or anyone else.

Haru in the sixth episode

Then he comes along. Yoshida Haru is wild and free and tops her in class without even trying. But most importantly, he cares for her. Not for her brains or status in school. Not because she’s a challenge. She gives him no reason to pursue her. I believe he loves her simply because he’s chosen to. To him, the only part of her identity that matters is that she is his friend. 

She isn’t a very good friend to him or anyone else. She has very little idea of how to even be a friend. To everyone else at school, she is just a cold, soulless top student. But he doesn’t ask anyone’s opinion. He earnestly, honestly loves her, and that’s all that matters.

Hm... that sounds familiar. In fact, it sounds a lot like what I talked with God about a few times. 

I, like Shizuku, place too much of my identity in school. When I turn in incomplete homework, ask a less than brilliant question, or even learn that I’m not the best student where I think I could be (prideful, I know), I become unsettled. I want my professors and classmates to think well of me. I want to meet my personal standards. And I forget that none of these is important. 

Jesus doesn’t love me for my brain. He likes it - He made it! - but He’s a lot smarter than me, and a much more diligent worker. I can neither impress nor disappoint Him.

He doesn’t love me because I try to be a good friend. He’s a much better friend, and doesn’t hold my failures against me.

He loves me because He chose me. He loves me not for what I see, but for what He sees. He delights in me, not despite or around my flaws, but with my flaws. He doesn’t expect me to heal myself; that’s His job. He just wants me to sit long enough for Him to treat me. He’s sad when I reject Him, but He’s still around. He chose me. 

Haru doesn’t expect Shizuku to change for him. He doesn’t expect her to suddenly become friendly to everyone or stop caring about school. He just wants her to open her heart to him. As she begins to love, she naturally begins to change. She starts to be a friend, to care for other people.

Jesus doesn’t expect me to make myself a perfect or different person. He doesn’t expect me to know what to say, to please everyone, or to be at the top of my class. He doesn’t expect me to know how to converse with friends or professors. He doesn’t even expect me to be wonderful at getting homework done. He chose me. He loves me. He stands by me as I learn. And He tells me those things don’t matter to my identity. They don’t make me me. All that matters is that He chose to love me.

So as I watched My Little Monster, I hoped that Shizuku would come to realize she doesn’t need to have the perfect balance, or to be the best student, or even be the best student she can be. I hoped she would realize that her identity, and even her success in life, isn’t reliant on grades. Haru loves her for who she is, faults and all. All she has to do is accept it and open her heart to the change his love brings.

Space Brothers: Dreaming Big

Pico and Vince tell Rick that they can't keep their promise to pursue space with him (ep 59)

“It’s too big a dream for us,” Vince and Pico tell their friend Rick. They give up on their dreams of space for the more realistic future of working in the mine. That’s the smart thing to do. It’s what their fathers and teachers want.

We, the viewers, know that the dream isn’t too big for Vince and Pico. We speak through the screen, silently or aloud, telling the characters not to give up; the future is within their grasp. And when Rick dies, we know they’ll decide to follow the dream they shared with him. It’s just a matter of course. This is Space Brothers. According to the logic of the show, any characters we become close to will eventually follow their dreams. And we’ve already seen both Vince and Pico at NASA.

After 59 episodes of watching characters pursue their dreams of space, we may forget how courageous the decision actually is. There’s nothing wrong with working in a mine or any other “attainable” job. Sometimes, the important things a person accomplishes have less to do with their career and more to do with the way they interact with the people around them. But perhaps some of us settle for a path that’s not the best fit for our skills and hopes, because our dream job is just “unrealistic.” We don’t want to risk our time, money, and hope on a future that might not happen. We don’t want our pride to be crushed when we invest ourselves in something with no success for years. Better not to risk it. Better to leave the dreams for the rich, or the geniuses, or the lucky, or the charming... but not us. Not normal old us.

It’s not a matter of lacking courage, we tell ourselves. And perhaps this is true for most of us. We’re just being practical. It’s was just a child’s dream anyway, like wanting to be a pop star or something. 

But what if the dream is more than that?

In anime, they may say it’s destiny. It’s a matter of following your heart and finding yourself. It’s the place of happiness and fulfillment. It’s how you’ll contribute best to the world and yourself.

I’d go a step further. Sometimes, that dream, that place your talents and passion will be used best, is how you’re meant to glorify God.

Seeds have been planted in me this past year. My history professor, along with his partner literature professor, emphasized that we should use the gifts God has given us, even if that path doesn’t lead to a high salary. Denying what God has given us is denying the chance to glorify Him and live more fully.

A speaker in chapel last fall talked about deciding on certain paths in life. I talked to my roommate a bit about it, too. Sometimes, Christians assume that God’s plan for us doesn’t include our favorite skills and activities. A life following Him is never without sacrifice, but that sacrifice varies. Sometimes, the path we want aligns with God’s. He made us with our gifts; wouldn’t it be strange if He didn’t want us to use the very things He gave us? Of course, His plan for their use may differ from ours, and it may not be clear. But perhaps it is still our duty to improve on what He has given us, and to be ready to act when called.

More seeds were planted when my Bible professor asked us to focus on a passage of our choosing throughout spring semester. I chose part of Matthew 6, and I continue to return to the chapter now that summer has begun. Matthew quotes Jesus, who said that heaven is the safest place for our treasure to be... and, we can infer from his words, the safest place for our hearts. A few verses later, Jesus tells his audience, “Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” Let me give you some context for these words: Jesus has just said that when we give to the poor or do some other righteous act, we shouldn’t seek attention for it. He’s warned us about the vulnerability of earthly treasure, and pointed out that we can’t serve both wealth and God. He’s told us not to worry about food or drink or clothes, since God can take care of us just fine. If we seek Him, things will fall in place. Jesus doesn’t claim it will be easy. In fact, in other places, He’s said we’ll have to give up quite a bit. He Himself suffered greatly on the cross and in the days leading up to it. Before that, He gave up His comfy, exalted place in heaven to come be a poor human carpenter’s son for thirty-odd years. But He did it all “for the joy set before Him” (Hebrews 12:2), eyes on the prize, with God’s kingdom in mind. Jesus is accomplishing His dream. He’s done the impossible: beat death and bridged the gap between us and God. His dream is reality, and we have a chance to be a part of it.
  
No dream is “too big” for God, and He can use even the humblest of us to accomplish great things. I believe that... at least I think I do. From the way I’m acting, it doesn’t appear that I believe I can do anything. As I’ll write in my next post, I’m more like Vince and Pico before Rick’s death, or like Mutta in the first episode, than like Hibito or Rick. I recognize the gifts God has given me, and I know He can do much through me, but I’ve written my dreams off as just that: dreams and hobbies. Perhaps it’s time to step forward with a little more courage, and a little more faith.