Showing posts with label Bible. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bible. Show all posts

Saturday, November 15, 2014

When the Swamp Clouds my Mind

I forgot to post last night. Now, I could do a normal Swamped post. I could try to spit out a Rewind post really quickly and then get to homework. Instead, I think I'll share some of what I've been pondering and writing lately. I started writing this earlier this week, and sharing it will help me feel accountable to follow up with action.

You've seen me say "I'm swamped" before. But that's becoming more than a figure of speech, and turning into a perfect analogy for my muddied state of mind (more muddied than usual, I mean). Thus, I need some self-examination.

I nearly marathoned Meganebu!, Daily Lives of High School Boys, and a dark reverse harem over the space of a few days. I reminded myself of my last two years of high school, when I watched well over two month's worth of anime. Those were dark years for multiple reasons, and I felt an echo of them when I cuddled in bed, ignoring homework and my messy room as I binge-watched anime that made me laugh… and anime that made me feel horror.

From the end of Daily Lives of High School Boys, episode 12. This
is their take on the running-late-to-school-with-toast-in-your-mouth
trope. Personally, I prefer microwavable breakfast sandwiches or, if
I'm really even later than usual, a spoonful of peanut butter.

It’s one thing to take a break from responsibilities for a bit, to refresh. But, just like in high school, I was seeking joy and freedom in the wrong place. The "joy" I find watching Daily Lives didn't help me in my own daily life. So when I looked up from homework and realized the beautiful weather stirred nothing but cynicism, I stopped what I was doing and grabbed my journal.

I’m feeling echoes of how I was four years ago. Thankfully, I’m more aware of myself now. I have a little Squad of Depression Monitors in me. They often team up with the Anxiety Patrol. My lethargy, binge-watching, and melancholy feelings set off some quiet alarms, and the Anti-Depression Squad set out to investigate.

Am I depressed? No. But I’m not so proud as to believe I’m immune from depression just because we beat it in the past. And my habits are becoming less healthy. I can’t brush it off as “typical college student” behavior and expect to be okay. So when my Anti-Depression Squad recognized gateway signs, it also advised a change of action.

First, I examined my emotional balance. Was there an unusual amount of melancholy? There was, so I examined it before dismissing it. Dismissing an emotion without finding its source is like plucking the head off a weed and leaving the root: the weed will still live, its roots taking over the soil while the head grows back, stronger than ever. This time, the root of my melancholy didn't go too deep. But it was worth looking into.

Second, I read Psalm 136, my favorite psalm. My perspective on life was getting dark and twisted. The sun, which usually makes me smile and thank the Lord, didn't help this time. When I examined my mood and what was going on in my life, I realized that what I felt did not sync with reality. The best remedy? Read truth. So I turned to the Psalms. When I finished reading and praying, I felt a little more in sync with the world.

Honestly, I have not been journalling and reading my Bible as much as I should. I'm not saying this just because daily devotions are the "good Christian thing" to do. I'm saying this because the swamp in my schedule is flooding my mind and heart. Journalling helps me organize and clean my mind. It forces me to look at the root of my anxious or melancholy feelings and keep them from becoming destructive. If my thoughts are getting twisted or out of sync with reality, journalling exposes that. And reading the Bible helps me replace twisted thinking with true thinking. Praying is an important element, too, because I can't keep myself healthy or grow spiritually without God's help (plus, I can tell him anything without worrying what he thinks, so it's always good to spend time with him).

So, once I've posted this, I'm going to get out my journal and make sure my head's on straight. I don't have time or mental energy for much, but any time writing and praying is better than none. Then, it's off to homework, and hopefully some cleaning and exercise. When I step away from the anime and TV, I realize that my life is out of balance. My journal is not the only thing I've neglected between homework and computer time, and it's starting to affect me in more ways than one.


Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Is it Okay to use Anime as an Escape?

Last semester, I read through Faith and Pop Culture, a short Bible study put together by Christianity Today. It contains eight articles about engaging pop culture as Christians. It doesn't cover anime, of course, since it targets a broader audience, but the authors' opinions about watching film and TV line up with a lot of my opinions about watching anime. I often read with a grin on my face as I wrote "Yes!" and drew stars next to good points.

This semester, I've begun reading Hollywood Worldviews by Brian Godawa. So far, I've only read the preface through the first chapter. I agree with a lot of things he says. Still, Godawa makes some big claims, so I think over his points before I nod my head.

Both of these books, as well as one of my favorite professors, encourage Christians to be discerning while they watch movies and TV. They don't say we shouldn't watch anything with "bad" stuff in it - far from it! But they encourage us to avoid "cultural gluttony," as Brian Godawa calls it. Basically, don't consume loads of movies and other pop culture without thinking.

Okay, I think. That's sounds good. But what do I do when I need a break from thinking? Sometimes, it feels like my mind is trapped on a treadmill without a "stop" button. In those cases, I can't sleep, thinking practically hurts, and I just want passive entertainment to help my mind keep from overheating. Are you saying that's not okay?

So far, these authors haven't given me a good answer.

For the most part, though, I agree with them. Just from personal experience, I can think of four reasons to keep my mind engaged while watching anime:

1. What I watch influences me.
It might take months of repetition, but eventually, sexual "humor" will make it hard for me to look at ordinary objects and activities with the purity I once did. Words I don't want in my daily vocabulary will seep into my mind. Activities God calls sin won't seem as bad, and the human need for redemption won't seem so urgent. My mind must be alert, so I can process things rather than let them influence me negatively.

2. Each anime has an important story to tell, if I'm willing to listen. 
Even the most banal harem anime tells about human nature, our needs, and our desires. That doesn't mean such shows are worth my time, but if I decide to watch them anyway, I reflect on how they may appeal to some viewers. Other anime clearly present stories and questions that are worth thinking on. Clannad After Story shows me a precious perspective on love and family. Attack on Titan follows characters in a world full of violence, and I can choose to just enjoy the action... or I can take the opportunity to ask the same ethical questions some of the characters begin to ask: it it okay to become a monster (not like Eren does, but like some of the commanding officers do) in order to defeat the monsters?

Clannad and Clannad After Story told a tale that is worth
watching, that's for sure! I plan to feature it in this week's Rewind,
so more on this gem then.
3. I need to pay attention to content, so I know what I'm talking about. 
I blog and talk about anime and Christianity. I want to be truthful and thoughtful, especially if I reference my faith at all. Even if I'm not directly talking about God, I'm talking about art - anime - created by His creation. In turn, that anime reflects perspectives on the world, on human fallacy, on brokenness and redemption. So I need to be thoughtful. How this looks differs with each post, but it always requires some level of awareness of my topic. Ignorance due to turning my brain off is not a good excuse for deficiency in a blog post. Even lack of time doesn't give me license for carelessness (a fact, I admit, that I've forgotten on occasion, including in a few "Rewind" posts in the last six months).

4. God is with me, and He knows exactly what I'm watching and what goes through my mind. 
I don't believe that He's offended when I watch sinful actions - lying, stealing, even murder or rape. For one thing, if I'm paying attention when I read the Bible, God's Word, I'll find scenes of rape, incest, and murder (Brian Godawa reminds me of this in the first chapter of Hollywood Worldviews). There's solid context, of course, but the Bible would need a lot of fade-outs if it were to stay PG-13 in a TV series.

It's not new to God. He sees sin all the time, and it does offend Him, to put it mildly. But Jesus didn't come to save perfect people. His ministry was to people who messed up badly, so when Jesus, God-as-man-and-savior, walked on earth, He hung out with harlots and tax collectors (who were apparently grouped in with "sinners" even more than corrupt IRS officers). He knew, loved, and ministered to these people. I, as His follower, am to do the same, with the knowledge that I am one of them, and would meet the same doom if it weren't for Jesus. That said, when I start looking at evil as good, or my thoughts become corrupted, or I'm ignoring what God says about the actions on the screen, He knows. If I begin to objectify men, He knows. When I sin with my thoughts, He knows, and that sin offends Him. He doesn't love me less because of it, but that doesn't mean it's okay. Thus, I want to be aware of what I'm watching and how I'm processing it, lest my negligence opens my mind's door to evil. If I do find sin in my mind, I pray that I notice it, confront it, and apologize for it, because it's happening right in front of God. Not apologizing for something like that is plain disrespectful.

There are more reasons to be mindful about watching anime. I'm sure a few of them are sitting in the back of my mind, and I'll eventually remember them. But that doesn't mean every viewing session must turn into an academic study. And not every blog post needs to come with a devotional. I believe God delights in laughter and lightheartedness as much as deep contemplation. I believe God takes pleasure in beautiful things, including beautiful animation, and that I should take pleasure in the same things He does.

I believe it's okay to play and relax. Genesis says that on the seventh day, after God had created everything and called it good, He rested. He obviously didn't need to rest. God wasn't worn out. But He rested anyway. This leads me to think of the Sabbath, which the Israelites were to observe each week in a day of rest. I wonder how many merchants and farmers avoided burning themselves out simply by obeying the Sabbath day law. Similarly, every seven years, there was a "Sabbath of solemn rest for the land" a year in which they gave the land a break from reaping and sowing (Leviticus 25:4). Based on my extremely limited knowledge of farming, I can tell you that this helped with future harvests. Something about nutrients in the soil, or along those lines. When you constantly use all your resources - whether it's your mind, body, land, or time, effectiveness is lost. Rest is important. It's not just a necessity for an imperfect world, either. God, who is perfect, rested. Based on what I see in Genesis 2, I think it's safe to say that rest was part of His design for us before the Fall and introduction of human sin to the world.

Okay, so I don't need to constantly ponder big theological or academic topics. I can rest my weary mind. But can I rest it while watching anime? Can I use anime as my escape from the hamster wheel of serious thinking?

I would say yes, but with conditions:

1. I must not let my guard down unless it's safe. 
I wouldn't stop my car in a shady neighborhood to take a nap, even during the day. No matter how exhausted I was or how far away I was from my destination, I'd find a better place. At the very least, I'd  drive to a well-frequented park or store before I leaned back my seat and closed my eyes. Similarly, when I want to let my defenses down and rest, I shouldn't marathon a questionable anime. I wouldn't be able to relax all the way, anyway.

2. Before I escape into anime, I need to identify what I'm escaping from.
If I just need a break from thinking, then fine. Anime can force my mind out of a rut. I don't know the science of it, but it must use and stimulate my brain in different areas in different ways, so when I'm ready to go back to my thinking spot, I'm refreshed and ready for more pondering.

If, however, I'm trying to get rid of anxiety, escape is not the answer. It didn't work when I was sixteen, and it still doesn't work. Anxiety must be confronted. For me, journaling and praying work best. Besides, I promised God that I'd do the smart thing and get out my journal when I'm feeling anxious. It's bad enough to break my word to a parent or friend, but to God? Uh... if I do that, then I definitely have a respect issue to confess.

3. I must not use "rest" as an excuse to habitually binge on anime.
There's a difference between lazy indulgence and rest. If anime time is infringing on my productivity and even my sleep, then I'm not practicing a good type of rest. Too much binging muddles my mind.

4. I must know my limits.
Slowly but surely, I'm developing a kind of mindfulness that runs in the background. It's like anti-virus software, always there, usually invisible, and the more I develop it, the less energy it requires. It sorts through all input, and it's becoming increasingly effective, so fewer bugs get through. Every now and then, a warning will pop up, calling me to focus my mind. I glance at the warning, deal with it, then go on my way. Most of the time, I can make a small adjustment in how I see the show and continue watching. Sometimes, I have to bring my mind in full anti-virus mode. I'm better at all of this than I was a few years ago, but there are some shows that won't go through my filter so neatly. Maybe in as little as a year, I'll be able to handle them, if they're still worth my time. But for now, I'm not strong enough. I can't watch such anime when I want to escape, and it's possible that I just don't need to watch it, period.

I plan to continue chewing on this subject. I'm healthier in my anime habits than I used to be, but I still have a ways to go. For my mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical health, I need to be mindful of how I consume anime - and all other media, for that matter. Brian Godawa and others have great insights, but those insights aren't tailored to me.

---

I found an excerpt of Godawa's book online, under the title "Cultural Anorexics and Gluttons." I recommend reading at least this excerpt, especially if you're a Christian. Brian Godawa is a screenwriter, a Christian, and obviously a lover of film. He's put some thought into this.

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Delight and Meditation like a Shounen Hero's

Help! I'm drowning! So... much... homework... and socializing!

Okay, so I'm not drowning, but college life is little demanding. Plus, one of my roommates is writer. When I see her typing away on her latest novel, I feel inspired to spend my free time doing the same. Thus, my blog has suffered. But I'm alive, and I wasn't about to let October go by without a single post. So here we go.
Leorio from Hunter x Hunter, studying hard.
Part of my homework this weekend was to read and journal on Psalm 1. The second verse, which I'll make bold below, stood out to me, and I'd like to share some of my ensuing thoughts.

"Blessed is the man
         who walks not in the counsel of the wicked,
              nor stands in the way of sinners,
         nor sits in the seat of scoffers;
              but his delight is in the law of the LORD,
         and on his law he meditates day and night."

There are four more verses in this Psalm, but that last part of the first stanza was the focus of my journaling. I've heard a lot about loving and meditating on God's word throughout my life, especially lately. Chapel not too long ago was about Psalm 119 - which, at 176 verses, is the longest chapter in the Bible, and it's all about treasuring God's word/law/statutes/etc. If someone is going to spend that long of a poem/song all on a single topic, it must be important.

Where is my love for what God has to say? Where is my delight?

God's word gives life; I've experienced the joy of it for myself. So why is my love for it so small? I succumb daily to distraction, to my passing fancies. To be completely honest, I am often unwilling to give up my selfishness to pursue the Lord, whom I call my Friend and King. Why is it?

We consistently look up to those who set everything aside to pursue their goal - be it worldly intelligence or prestige, saving the world (superhero movies and shounen anime!), becoming an awesome writer, climbing to the top of the aniblogging world, or serving God.

I look up their determination, to their sense of priority, to their willingness to sacrifice everything. Why? Probably because it's a reflection, albeit distorted and humanized, of part of God. These people understand what it means to delight and mediate on a single ideal.

I watched an episode of Grey's Anatomy with Lil Sis when she came to visit (her show choice, not mine). And old, amazing heart surgeon was talking to a younger colleague with ambitions to be just as good as him. He told her that when he went to bed, the last thing on his mind was heart surgery. He meditated day and night on his practice. It was his delight, his life, his identity.

I love the shounen anime I watch. The characters often set aside everything to focus on their goal. Gon from Hunter x Hunter doesn't allow childish play to distract him from mastering Nen. That's not to say he never plays, but his mind is always on the goal. In the same anime, Kurapika's goal of revenge, self-destructive though it may be, consumes his life. Everything he does is mindful of it - he meditates on it day and night. "Delight" may not be the right word for what Kurapika feels, but he's not pursuing delight anyway.

There's Lee from Naruto, whose determination to succeed as a ninja causes him to spend most of his days thinking about taijutsu. He delights in it. Tennis is always on Echizen Ryoma's mind. Edward Elric rejoices whenever he and Al make a breakthrough on their search for restoration. He mediates on the goal, thinks of it day and night; it identifies him.

When you delight in something, you meditate on it. When you keep thinking it through, mentally digesting it, you delight in it. And as this cycle of mediation and delight continues, it becomes and integral part of who you are.

I return to the opening line of Psalm 1: "Blessed is the man."

I know the blessings that come from delighting in and meditating on what God has to say. But that's so much easier to write than act upon. I'm thankful I go to a school where classes encourage me to study and love the Bible - even if those same classes keep my from my blog and the latest anime. Perhaps, someday, with God's help, I'll approach His word with delight and focus to rival a shounen hero's.

*Picture is from the ending sequence of Hunter x Hunter

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Awe and Encouragement

Due to being very busy and tired, I have not posted on my blog much lately. And that's why. My first sentence in this post is awkward and full of helping verbs, but I no longer have the brain power to fix it. So, instead of writing something more original, I decided to share a bit from my favorite passage, Isaiah 40. I find this chapter awe-inspiring and encouraging, and I turn to it often for comfort. Tonight, at the peak of my weariness, I turned aside from work to read it again, and would like to share the last few verses of the chapter, which are among my favorite in the Bible.

"Why do you complain, Jacob?
why do you say, Israel,
'My way is hidden from the LORD,
my cause is disregarded by my God'?

Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
The Creator of the ends of the Earth.
He does not grow tired or weary,
His understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
And increasing the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
And young men stumble and fall.
But those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will fly on wings like eagles;
They will run and not grow weary,
They will run and not be faint."*
I hang desperately onto that promise, hoping in the Lord for my strength tomorrow and Friday.

*New International Version
By the way, I posted this on the wrong blog at first. Just goes to show how tired I am.