When the Swamp Clouds my Mind

I forgot to post last night. Now, I could do a normal Swamped post. I could try to spit out a Rewind post really quickly and then get to homework. Instead, I think I'll share some of what I've been pondering and writing lately. I started writing this earlier this week, and sharing it will help me feel accountable to follow up with action.

You've seen me say "I'm swamped" before. But that's becoming more than a figure of speech, and turning into a perfect analogy for my muddied state of mind (more muddied than usual, I mean). Thus, I need some self-examination.

I nearly marathoned Meganebu!, Daily Lives of High School Boys, and a dark reverse harem over the space of a few days. I reminded myself of my last two years of high school, when I watched well over two month's worth of anime. Those were dark years for multiple reasons, and I felt an echo of them when I cuddled in bed, ignoring homework and my messy room as I binge-watched anime that made me laugh… and anime that made me feel horror.

From the end of Daily Lives of High School Boys, episode 12. This
is their take on the running-late-to-school-with-toast-in-your-mouth
trope. Personally, I prefer microwavable breakfast sandwiches or, if
I'm really even later than usual, a spoonful of peanut butter.

It’s one thing to take a break from responsibilities for a bit, to refresh. But, just like in high school, I was seeking joy and freedom in the wrong place. The "joy" I find watching Daily Lives didn't help me in my own daily life. So when I looked up from homework and realized the beautiful weather stirred nothing but cynicism, I stopped what I was doing and grabbed my journal.

I’m feeling echoes of how I was four years ago. Thankfully, I’m more aware of myself now. I have a little Squad of Depression Monitors in me. They often team up with the Anxiety Patrol. My lethargy, binge-watching, and melancholy feelings set off some quiet alarms, and the Anti-Depression Squad set out to investigate.

Am I depressed? No. But I’m not so proud as to believe I’m immune from depression just because we beat it in the past. And my habits are becoming less healthy. I can’t brush it off as “typical college student” behavior and expect to be okay. So when my Anti-Depression Squad recognized gateway signs, it also advised a change of action.

First, I examined my emotional balance. Was there an unusual amount of melancholy? There was, so I examined it before dismissing it. Dismissing an emotion without finding its source is like plucking the head off a weed and leaving the root: the weed will still live, its roots taking over the soil while the head grows back, stronger than ever. This time, the root of my melancholy didn't go too deep. But it was worth looking into.

Second, I read Psalm 136, my favorite psalm. My perspective on life was getting dark and twisted. The sun, which usually makes me smile and thank the Lord, didn't help this time. When I examined my mood and what was going on in my life, I realized that what I felt did not sync with reality. The best remedy? Read truth. So I turned to the Psalms. When I finished reading and praying, I felt a little more in sync with the world.

Honestly, I have not been journalling and reading my Bible as much as I should. I'm not saying this just because daily devotions are the "good Christian thing" to do. I'm saying this because the swamp in my schedule is flooding my mind and heart. Journalling helps me organize and clean my mind. It forces me to look at the root of my anxious or melancholy feelings and keep them from becoming destructive. If my thoughts are getting twisted or out of sync with reality, journalling exposes that. And reading the Bible helps me replace twisted thinking with true thinking. Praying is an important element, too, because I can't keep myself healthy or grow spiritually without God's help (plus, I can tell him anything without worrying what he thinks, so it's always good to spend time with him).

So, once I've posted this, I'm going to get out my journal and make sure my head's on straight. I don't have time or mental energy for much, but any time writing and praying is better than none. Then, it's off to homework, and hopefully some cleaning and exercise. When I step away from the anime and TV, I realize that my life is out of balance. My journal is not the only thing I've neglected between homework and computer time, and it's starting to affect me in more ways than one.

Is it Okay to use Anime as an Escape?

Last semester, I read through Faith and Pop Culture, a short Bible study put together by Christianity Today. It contains eight articles about engaging pop culture as Christians. It doesn't cover anime, of course, since it targets a broader audience, but the authors' opinions about watching film and TV line up with a lot of my opinions about watching anime. I often read with a grin on my face as I wrote "Yes!" and drew stars next to good points.

This semester, I've begun reading Hollywood Worldviews by Brian Godawa. So far, I've only read the preface through the first chapter. I agree with a lot of things he says. Still, Godawa makes some big claims, so I think over his points before I nod my head.

Both of these books, as well as one of my favorite professors, encourage Christians to be discerning while they watch movies and TV. They don't say we shouldn't watch anything with "bad" stuff in it - far from it! But they encourage us to avoid "cultural gluttony," as Brian Godawa calls it. Basically, don't consume loads of movies and other pop culture without thinking.

Okay, I think. That's sounds good. But what do I do when I need a break from thinking? Sometimes, it feels like my mind is trapped on a treadmill without a "stop" button. In those cases, I can't sleep, thinking practically hurts, and I just want passive entertainment to help my mind keep from overheating. Are you saying that's not okay?

So far, these authors haven't given me a good answer.

For the most part, though, I agree with them. Just from personal experience, I can think of four reasons to keep my mind engaged while watching anime:

1. What I watch influences me.
It might take months of repetition, but eventually, sexual "humor" will make it hard for me to look at ordinary objects and activities with the purity I once did. Words I don't want in my daily vocabulary will seep into my mind. Activities God calls sin won't seem as bad, and the human need for redemption won't seem so urgent. My mind must be alert, so I can process things rather than let them influence me negatively.

2. Each anime has an important story to tell, if I'm willing to listen. 
Even the most banal harem anime tells about human nature, our needs, and our desires. That doesn't mean such shows are worth my time, but if I decide to watch them anyway, I reflect on how they may appeal to some viewers. Other anime clearly present stories and questions that are worth thinking on. Clannad After Story shows me a precious perspective on love and family. Attack on Titan follows characters in a world full of violence, and I can choose to just enjoy the action... or I can take the opportunity to ask the same ethical questions some of the characters begin to ask: it it okay to become a monster (not like Eren does, but like some of the commanding officers do) in order to defeat the monsters?

Clannad and Clannad After Story told a tale that is worth
watching, that's for sure! I plan to feature it in this week's Rewind,
so more on this gem then.

3. I need to pay attention to content, so I know what I'm talking about. 
I blog and talk about anime and Christianity. I want to be truthful and thoughtful, especially if I reference my faith at all. Even if I'm not directly talking about God, I'm talking about art - anime - created by His creation. In turn, that anime reflects perspectives on the world, on human fallacy, on brokenness and redemption. So I need to be thoughtful. How this looks differs with each post, but it always requires some level of awareness of my topic. Ignorance due to turning my brain off is not a good excuse for deficiency in a blog post. Even lack of time doesn't give me license for carelessness (a fact, I admit, that I've forgotten on occasion, including in a few "Rewind" posts in the last six months).

4. God is with me, and He knows exactly what I'm watching and what goes through my mind. 
I don't believe that He's offended when I watch sinful actions - lying, stealing, even murder or rape. For one thing, if I'm paying attention when I read the Bible, God's Word, I'll find scenes of rape, incest, and murder (Brian Godawa reminds me of this in the first chapter of Hollywood Worldviews). There's solid context, of course, but the Bible would need a lot of fade-outs if it were to stay PG-13 in a TV series.

It's not new to God. He sees sin all the time, and it does offend Him, to put it mildly. But Jesus didn't come to save perfect people. His ministry was to people who messed up badly, so when Jesus, God-as-man-and-savior, walked on earth, He hung out with harlots and tax collectors (who were apparently grouped in with "sinners" even more than corrupt IRS officers). He knew, loved, and ministered to these people. I, as His follower, am to do the same, with the knowledge that I am one of them, and would meet the same doom if it weren't for Jesus. That said, when I start looking at evil as good, or my thoughts become corrupted, or I'm ignoring what God says about the actions on the screen, He knows. If I begin to objectify men, He knows. When I sin with my thoughts, He knows, and that sin offends Him. He doesn't love me less because of it, but that doesn't mean it's okay. Thus, I want to be aware of what I'm watching and how I'm processing it, lest my negligence opens my mind's door to evil. If I do find sin in my mind, I pray that I notice it, confront it, and apologize for it, because it's happening right in front of God. Not apologizing for something like that is plain disrespectful.

There are more reasons to be mindful about watching anime. I'm sure a few of them are sitting in the back of my mind, and I'll eventually remember them. But that doesn't mean every viewing session must turn into an academic study. And not every blog post needs to come with a devotional. I believe God delights in laughter and lightheartedness as much as deep contemplation. I believe God takes pleasure in beautiful things, including beautiful animation, and that I should take pleasure in the same things He does.

I believe it's okay to play and relax. Genesis says that on the seventh day, after God had created everything and called it good, He rested. He obviously didn't need to rest. God wasn't worn out. But He rested anyway. This leads me to think of the Sabbath, which the Israelites were to observe each week in a day of rest. I wonder how many merchants and farmers avoided burning themselves out simply by obeying the Sabbath day law. Similarly, every seven years, there was a "Sabbath of solemn rest for the land" a year in which they gave the land a break from reaping and sowing (Leviticus 25:4). Based on my extremely limited knowledge of farming, I can tell you that this helped with future harvests. Something about nutrients in the soil, or along those lines. When you constantly use all your resources - whether it's your mind, body, land, or time, effectiveness is lost. Rest is important. It's not just a necessity for an imperfect world, either. God, who is perfect, rested. Based on what I see in Genesis 2, I think it's safe to say that rest was part of His design for us before the Fall and introduction of human sin to the world.

Okay, so I don't need to constantly ponder big theological or academic topics. I can rest my weary mind. But can I rest it while watching anime? Can I use anime as my escape from the hamster wheel of serious thinking?

I would say yes, but with conditions:

1. I must not let my guard down unless it's safe. 
I wouldn't stop my car in a shady neighborhood to take a nap, even during the day. No matter how exhausted I was or how far away I was from my destination, I'd find a better place. At the very least, I'd  drive to a well-frequented park or store before I leaned back my seat and closed my eyes. Similarly, when I want to let my defenses down and rest, I shouldn't marathon a questionable anime. I wouldn't be able to relax all the way, anyway.

2. Before I escape into anime, I need to identify what I'm escaping from.
If I just need a break from thinking, then fine. Anime can force my mind out of a rut. I don't know the science of it, but it must use and stimulate my brain in different areas in different ways, so when I'm ready to go back to my thinking spot, I'm refreshed and ready for more pondering.

If, however, I'm trying to get rid of anxiety, escape is not the answer. It didn't work when I was sixteen, and it still doesn't work. Anxiety must be confronted. For me, journaling and praying work best. Besides, I promised God that I'd do the smart thing and get out my journal when I'm feeling anxious. It's bad enough to break my word to a parent or friend, but to God? Uh... if I do that, then I definitely have a respect issue to confess.

3. I must not use "rest" as an excuse to habitually binge on anime.
There's a difference between lazy indulgence and rest. If anime time is infringing on my productivity and even my sleep, then I'm not practicing a good type of rest. Too much binging muddles my mind.

4. I must know my limits.
Slowly but surely, I'm developing a kind of mindfulness that runs in the background. It's like anti-virus software, always there, usually invisible, and the more I develop it, the less energy it requires. It sorts through all input, and it's becoming increasingly effective, so fewer bugs get through. Every now and then, a warning will pop up, calling me to focus my mind. I glance at the warning, deal with it, then go on my way. Most of the time, I can make a small adjustment in how I see the show and continue watching. Sometimes, I have to bring my mind in full anti-virus mode. I'm better at all of this than I was a few years ago, but there are some shows that won't go through my filter so neatly. Maybe in as little as a year, I'll be able to handle them, if they're still worth my time. But for now, I'm not strong enough. I can't watch such anime when I want to escape, and it's possible that I just don't need to watch it, period.

I plan to continue chewing on this subject. I'm healthier in my anime habits than I used to be, but I still have a ways to go. For my mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical health, I need to be mindful of how I consume anime - and all other media, for that matter. Brian Godawa and others have great insights, but those insights aren't tailored to me.

---

I found an excerpt of Godawa's book online, under the title "Cultural Anorexics and Gluttons." I recommend reading at least this excerpt, especially if you're a Christian. Brian Godawa is a screenwriter, a Christian, and obviously a lover of film. He's put some thought into this.

Rewind: The Wallflower

Last time I wrote about The Wallflower, almost three years ago, it resulted in a reflective post. I've had a few years to reflect on the same topics and add to my thoughts. Those years show in this post, so it's a little more in depth than past "Rewind" posts.

It’s been a while since I watched or read The Wallflower (Yamato Nadeshiko Shichi Henge). But I’ve thought about it now and then, attempted to watch the dubbed version, and reread my old post on the series. It’s easy to remember the premise, and easier still to remember the appeal of it. I identified with the main character, Sunako. I wanted friends to reach out to me like the boys in The Wallflower reached out to her. I wanted to be special to a group of people, and perhaps especially special to a single young man, like Sunako was. I enjoyed the light romance, and the characters’ more charming moments made me giggle. The Wallflower gave me - and millions of other girls - a way to live a fantasy. Yes, it was unrealistic. Still, it addressed real needs: the need for acceptance, companionship, love, to be pursued. In its own way, The Wallflower addressed our need for salvation from ourselves and the darkness that encompasses us.

Sunako is a high school girl who loves horror. She spends her days hiding in her dark room, watching horror movies. When she must leave the safety of her room, she hides behind her long hair. She does not put care into her appearance. Her clothes are frumpy, and her skin could benefit from basic care. She carries the pain of rejection with her; two years ago, the boy she liked called her ugly. Even before that, she wasn’t exactly a social butterfly. Now, it’s yet another reason to stay in the shadows.

Her rich, traveling aunt wants to change her. She sends Sunako to live in her mansion with four stunningly handsome boys. In exchange for free rent, they are instructed to transform her into a beautiful lady. They don’t have much to work with. Sunako is not a willing subject, and if she looks directly at her housemates, she gets a nose bleed, as she does around all such “beautiful creatures.” She would prefer to stay in darkness with her horror movies and skulls. These habits have shaped her demeanor, so she actually scares the guys. Like her aunt, they'd much rather change her into something more "ladylike" than accept her for who she is, horror movies and all.

The young men, also students at her high school, are determined. At first, they try to draw her out of darkness because they want free rent. This turns into genuine care. They don’t all compete for her love. Unlike characters in certain recent reverse harem anime, these boys have somewhat varied tastes in women (and some sense of respect). But they become her friends and defenders. One of them becomes the key love interest.

One of the "ridiculous things" I'm referring
to. This particular adventure is in ep 3.

It’s a gradual process, and many ridiculous things happen along the way. I used anime and manga to escape reality much like Sunako used horror, so I enjoyed the unrealistic scenarios and the laughs they produced. This brand of shoujo romantic comedy held particular appeal at the time - by the end of 2010, I’d also watched Skip Beat, Fruits Basket, Kare Kano, Itazura na Kiss, and similar shows. They transported me to a different reality, a place where unlikely love bloomed between unlikely people in even more unlikely situations. I considered myself an extremely unlikely candidate for anything close to romance. I craved the kind of excitement and attention shoujo heroines experienced. I liked anime where the girl was stuck living with the guys, because she automatically got their notice and companionship. I escaped into the anime and lived through the characters, because by the end of 2010, my anxiety and depression were starting to suffocate me again. I wanted someone to notice, to save me from the downward spiral, to draw me into the light even if I resisted.

Of course, I’m not a shoujo heroine, so only my family, psychiatrist, and God seemed to realize my situation. Faced with that reality, I settled for watching Kyohei draw near to Sunako. I knew that wasn’t sufficient for me. Here’s an excerpt of what I posted on February 4, 2011:

“Why then do I forget Him? I read manga, watch anime, and dream of young gentlemen to fill a prince-shaped hole. Yet Jesus already came to fill that hole, and I already accepted Him for the divine Prince He is. Do I, deep down, not truly believe that He is enough? Does some part of me think I need to prove myself worthy of His love? Jesus’ radiance outshines that of any manga or anime character. I don’t get a bloody nose when I realize His presence, but I do get overwhelmed. He is far more than a hundred times as great as Kyohei, Tankenaga, or any other character in The Wallflower. In comparison, I feel like Sunako in her most diminutive form. Part of me wants to hide in my room, turn off the lights, and escape into an anime the way Sunako does with her horror movies. But the other part of me wants to venture into that brilliant light, brave my “bloody nose,” and find out more about the dazzling Prince who gave up everything for me, who pursues a relationship with scattered little me.”

I felt helpless at that point. I knew the truth of what I wrote - Jesus was sufficient. He loved me. I held onto those facts and tried not to let escape define every moment of my free time, tried not to ignore Him, tried to rely on Him. But it would be two more months before I reached my turning point, and several more months before the heavy-heartedness was gone.

I am grateful for my time in darkness. I’m glad it wasn’t worse, but I’m also glad it wasn’t easier. My obsessive attempts to use anime as an escape, my attempts to hide those wasted hours and late nights from my parents and those who I thought lived in light, my attempts to sort out my feelings and live more organized, more productive, more like the other, “healthy” kids - these showed me my helplessness, my brokenness, my weakness, my sinfulness.

By the time I graduated from high school, by the time I took a year off to heal, I was a little mroe humble. My relationship with Jesus had weathered the storms of teenage-hood, thanks to His faithfulness. I grasped Him desperately with my eyes squeezed shut, and He held me securely in His arms. And I came out of it with a better idea of how much I needed salvation, not just from eternal punishment, but from the weight of sin and brokenness everyday.

Sunako and the boys. I think we see their
comedic/diminuitive expressions more
often than their normal facial features.

I love watching anime characters pursue each other. In The Wallflower, Kyouhei and the others pursue Sunako, showing her that the light isn’t so bad. And when the shoe’s on the other foot, when Kyouhei is kidnapped or runs away, Sunako pursues him. I’ve discovered something pretty cool about reality, though: Jesus didn’t stop pursuing me when I became a Christian. He didn’t say, “okay, my work here is done. Time to pursue the next lost sheep.” When I stray, He comes and pulls me back to Him. I’ve learned, and continue to learn, to trust His passionate, pursuing love. I trust Him with my imperfections, trust Him to know those imperfections better than I do and still love me more than I can imagine. So I try not to hide from His light when I’m faced with my brokenness. He sees it anyway, and He’s able to heal me, to work with me, to use that brokenness for something beautiful. I’ve seen some of that already. He has filled every need that I felt addressed in The Wallflower, and He does so in a way that no one else can - not in real life, and certainly not in a fictional animated story. 

Now, I’m going to stop writing. “Rewind” posts are supposed to be short bits about shows I barely remember. Well, this post is about The Wallflower, but it’s also about things that have been on my mind in the three years since I first watched it. I could go on (in fact, I have), but I’ll save it for another post.

Dear Extroverted Friends

Dear Extroverted Friends,

We're different.

"Well, duh," you say. "I like parties, and you don't."

First, that's not completely accurate. Believe it or not, I enjoy some parties. At weddings, for example, I'm always on the dance floor until Dad wants to go home. I just can't go to parties/big gatherings/social things as often as you can.

Second, you're both over-simplifying and making a big generalization. That's okay. Introverts do the same thing. In fact, some of you extroverts might be complaining, "Hey! We don't all like parties! I do other social stuff instead!"

There are a few comics and such floating around about introverts and extroverts. They're fun. Maybe they've opened your eyes a little. Now, I want to throw my two cents in.

I'm going to be frank. If you know me, then please understand, none of this is out of resentment or annoyance with you. Those of you who are close enough to get on my nerves usually don't. You're too caring and too understanding of my needs. Thank you. Hopefully this will help you understand better... even if all you understand is that you can't completely understand me. That's okay, too.

This is not meant to be a generalization about all introverts. We have different personalities and struggles, and I've had anxiety issues that make my introversion a little more pronounced at times.

Here's the thing about being introverted: it's not a choice. It's just how some of us are. I simply cannot handle being too social too often. If I am, I'll crack. My energy and mental health will start to leak out of that crack. Sometimes, I notice I've cracked, but I don't retreat from people the way I need to. The crack widens. If I'm not careful, I may breakdown entirely. I try to avoid that. It takes a long time to put the pieces back together.

There are days when I want to hang out, but I know I'm nearing my breaking point. I have to turn you down. I appreciate the invitation, though - I really do.

If I must be around friends or family when I'm already cracking, it does help if we ignore each other. But it's not just quietness that I need. It's solitude. A quiet presence is still a presence. I appreciate your offer to just be quiet around me. Yet, if I'm at my breaking point, then I don't want to hear you, smell you, see you, feel you, or even sense you.

"What's wrong?" you might ask.

Nothing's wrong. I'm not upset about anything. You haven't done anything to hurt or offend me. Nor has anyone else.  I'm just worn out. No, I do not want a hug! Don't touch me! I need space. Sometimes, I love hugs. But when I'm running on empty like this, I can't be in such close proximity with anyone. There are times I won't even let my mom hug me. So if you try, I'll probably snap. I might even hiss like a cornered cat. Please don't try. I don't want to hurt you like that. If you really want to hug me when I'm upset, then stand at a safe distance and ask first.

Talking about it won't help, either. This isn't the kind of problem that's helped by talking or any other kind of human interaction. I love you, my friend, but I need to be alone. So either go away or let me retreat into my hole.

Please, don't feel bad if you've interrupted my solitude when I was cracking. You didn't know any better. I don't want you to feel bad for your extroverted perspective. And my introversion doesn't give me a right to hurt you. So if I snap at you or otherwise hurt your feelings when I'm running on empty, please confront me. I will apologize, and I will work to make sure my problem doesn't become your problem.

Also, please understand that I'm still learning about the needs of my non-introvert friends. I care for you, but I don't always realize that you need a hug or conversation or even just a presence. Plus, there's more to you than your extroversion, which make it even harder to know what you need. So, as we get to know each other, be honest. Extroverts and introverts may appear to be different species, but I'm confident we can live in harmony. In fact, we have to. I need your help navigating the social world and getting information out. Maybe there's something I can help you out with, too... when I'm not hiding in my hole, that is.

Love,
Your Introverted Friend

Test Day

Beat.
Beat.
Run.
Run.
Race!
Race!
Jostle, Jitter
-
Pressure


This
That
Here
There
Up
Down
Somewhere, Nowhere
-
Chaos


Breathe
Breathe
Pray
Pray
Map!
Map!
Writing, Working
-
Progress


Choose
Choose
Page
Page
Tick!
Tick!
Quickly, Fully
-
Complete

What's in a Year - Some Reflection

It's March 2012. I find myself in a reflective mood. So many things were going on last March and spring. And I'm not just talking about the earthquake in Japan - personal things weighed on my mind at the time. In some ways, it doesn't feel like it's been that long. In others, it's been forever.

A year ago, I'd been aniblogging for only a few months.

A year ago, I participated in SOTW (signature of the week contest) on Anime-Planet forums.

A year ago, I joined Twitter.

A year ago, another bout of Naruto Shippuden fillers came to an end.

A year ago, Tsunade lay unconscious and I wanted Danzo to go die in a hole.

A year ago, I used anime as an escape, an escape that I poured very unhealthy hours into.

A year ago, I was still trying to find and write another story that could be novel or novella length.

A year ago, I was finishing my second trimester of senior year of high school.

A year ago, college and scholarship applications overwhelmed me.

A year ago, I was depressed and anxious.

A year ago, I was too stressed to go to Lil Sis's volleyball tournaments.

A year ago, I spent most of my free time in my room, avoiding human contact.

A year ago, I just wanted time to stop.

This year, I'm trying to blog semi-consistently again.

This year, I haven't been on Anime-Planet forums once, though I still love the site.

This year, I'm on Twitter almost constantly.

This year, I'm still enjoying Naruto Shippuden. 


This year, Tsunade is awake again.

This year, I still escape on occasion, and there are times when I watch too much anime, but it's not as bad.

This year, I'm finally working on another long story, my first since over three years ago, though progress has slowed.

This year, I'm taking a break from school.

This year, college and scholarship applications feel more doable. I'm taking more initiative.

This year, I'm not depressed. I am alert for the signs of anxiety as I get busier again, but I won't let it rule me.

This year, I went to one of Lil Sis's three day tournaments - and loved it!

This year, I spend a lot of time downstairs, talking with family. I don't need to hide in my room as much.

This year, time is moving forward, and I'm moving with it. There are still days when I feel like time is moving faster than I can keep up, but I don't live in dread of deadlines. I don't live in dread of the next stage of my life.

I feel the warning in my chest, the warning that anxiety is always present, waiting to pounce. But I have tools available to me. I can make lists and plans. I can spend time journalling. I know that when I pray and read my Bible, imposing things become doable. Still imposing, perhaps, but doable. I know that if my tools aren't enough, I can go to my doctor for medicine.

I don't always use my tools. The warning signs go off, and I'm faced with a choice: use my tools, or escape. If I try to escape, consciously or unconsciously, it gets worse. But I'm learning to step back from the anxiety, take a deep breath, and do what I need to. It's work. Even as I write this, a pressure in my chest tells me that I need to take some time to pray and organize myself.  I don't want a repeat of last year. I don't want to drown in my anxiety. I swim ahead of it, confident even when the current gets choppy.

It had over half a year of smooth sailing. No school, few commitments, and few social events. That's changing. I'm living with my aunt and cousins for at least the rest of the school year. I tutor two of my cousins everyday. I meet with and email their teachers. And I'm working toward going to college next fall. My several months of rest did wonders for me. Now, I can practice outsmarting my anxiety before going off to college.

I'm the reflective sort, so I often think about how I'm changing and growing. It's very gradual. But I'm becoming more responsible, more mature, and more confident all the time (of course, "more confident" is very relative). I even feel like an adult most of the time, albeit a very young, inexperienced one.

I'm in a better place than I was last year. I thank the Lord for that. Anxiety will always be on the sidelines, ready to jump in when I give it an opening. But I know how to help myself a little better than I did. And maybe next year, I'll be doing even better.

My Aniblogger Testimony

Last month, I wrote a post for TWWK's Aniblogger Testimonies series over at Beneath the Tangles. He's already put up testimonies from several other bloggers, and mine went up today. Some things have changed since I wrote it; most things have not. Anyway, it's up.

Pondering Effort and Eyeshield 21

I spent two and a half hours in self examination yesterday. The main theme in my thought process seemed to be perseverance. And since I’ve watched a lot of sports anime lately, I couldn’t keep analogies to anime out of my writing. Once I saw the reference to Eyeshield 21 develop, I knew I wanted to share an edited version here on my blog. I’ll just post the first, longer part of it today, and the second part later. It’s time I came back from my hiatus.

April 27, 2011

2:30 pm

I sit on the deck enjoying some of our warmest weather this year. A cool breeze brushes through my hair now and again, but the sun mostly makes up for it. It feels more like spring every week now.

I can’t believe it’s already April 27^th. I wish time would just stop, or that all my homework would be easily completed. I have to finish in time to graduate – I give myself no other options. But part of me doubts. I haven’t kept up on my projects nearly as much as I should, and I haven’t even touched my Careers course work in who knows how many weeks. When I think about how behind I am, I honestly feel a bit ashamed. I don’t want anyone to know how behind I am. I don’t even want it to be true, but my wishes don’t change reality.

I think I’ve let myself off too easily. I used to do pretty well in not allowing myself to make excuses for giving less than my best in school. But I think I became a bit egotistical during the latest bout of anxiety and depression. I began to excuse a lower level of performance because of ADHD and anxiety. I put less and less effort into my schoolwork. Thinking about it, I feel lazy.

I could point to my mom and mention how she’s over-sympathized at times and perhaps babied me on occasion regarding any work on my part. But when it comes down to it, Mom holds absolutely no blame for my bad habits. I took advantage of every time she sympathized with me, adding to my belief that I simply couldn’t function, and even that I could hardly help myself. The part of me that refused to make excuses for myself gradually grew smaller and smaller. As I examine this now and type away on my laptop, I realize how much that attitude has changed. Back at the beginning of the school year, I still had an attitude of “I can do it! No excuses; let’s get this work done.” Then, at some point around February, that attitude made a smooth, quiet U-turn. It became an attitude of “I simply can’t function. There are so many deadlines approaching. Before I know it, June will be here. I can’t do this. I have to, but maybe if I take a break, maybe if I go easy on myself for a while, I’ll get better. Maybe.”

First I noticed anxiety come back, then depression. I started a new medicine a few weeks ago, though, and I definitely noticed a change. The depression and daily tearyness alleviated greatly. Even my anxiety is significantly lower. Yet I continue walking in a bit of a fog. I stay up too late (“I’m working on it!” I protest), I watch too much anime, I arrive late to Physics, and I don’t get all my homework hours in. I struggle to focus, but that’s no excuse. The fact is, I haven’t put forth the effort to walk away from temptation and concentrate on what needs to be done.

Effort. I know I need to put forth more effort, so why do I continuously choose to sit on my bed instead? Why don’t I apply my will to what needs to be done? I live a lifestyle of indulgence. I only apply myself to homework I enjoy, and cheerfully help out around the house if it suits me. I take a break and watch anime at my leisure, and can burn through 12 episodes a day without batting an eyelid. Sheesh, I don’t even put forth the effort to maintain my blog anymore! Just two months ago, I wrote blog posts at a fierce rate, and now? Now I’m on an indefinite hiatus, a so-called “mental vacation.” Sure, I was feeling very anxious and quite a bit depressed. All of my journal entries from March through a week or two ago have a rather dramatic, melancholy feel to them. But guess what? I’m feeling a bit better now. Sure, I’m not in perfect shape, but who is? What makes me special, so that I can slack off just because I have a psychiatrist? Everyone has bad days, but most people apply their will to do what needs to be done. They put their wants in perspective with their work.

Perhaps my perspective’s warped. I became used to making allowances for a “breaking” brain. I didn’t work around it – I worked according to it. I felt too teary to work on my Communism project? Fine, I’d write in my journal. I was too anxious to do about anything regarding the real world? That’s okay, I could watch an anime and make up for lost time the next day. This way of living has become a daily habit, and a concerning one. If I continue indulging myself like this, how will I survive in the adult world, with a job? How will I act as an adult member of the family? Scratch that, if I keep up this pace, how will I even graduate?

Even now, temptations pull at me. I want to write a story, or go for a walk, or do anything that means taking a break from applying my brain to the task before me. Part of me wonders if I can overcome this habit of indulging in temptation. Part of me thinks I might never focus on the necessary tasks like a mature adult. I know I can concentrate. I know I can be responsible, and I know I can crank out high quality work. I know I can take pride in all this. But instead, I keep looking at the clock, waiting for it to say 3:30 so I can go on a walk. And then I look at the clock and wonder how I could have wasted so much of my time today before I got to work.

The breeze picks up. I’m feeling a bit cold now, and think I’ll go inside in a minute. I wonder if I’ll go on my walk after all. I know I need to – I hardly get any exercise lately, and Ridgy would love to visit the creek. But it’s cold, and I need to make up missed hours of schoolwork.

I’m cold, but I’m not eager to return inside. I spend too much time in my room, on my computer. I need to get out and do things. But by the time I actually feel like doing those things (like the walk today), I realize that I’ve hardly done any work and I need to stay inside. This lifestyle is unhealthy – I know that. Maybe I’ll make myself go to sleep earlier tonight. Maybe I’ll listen to my alarms tomorrow and get started on my day in a healthy manner. Maybe, but the hope doesn’t seem as strong as it once did.

I recently finished an anime called Eyeshield 21. It’s 145 episodes long, so it actually lasted me a few days. And all 145 episodes were available, subtitled, on Crunchyroll. This detail is especially important since my February decision only to watch anime I know are legally uploaded online. Anyway, Eyeshield 21 is about Sena, a first year in high school (that is, a tenth grade student). His whole life, he’s been bullied, always acting as a gopher for the stronger, more assertive students. Overtime, he’s built up amazing speed to quickly get what the bullies ask him to, or on occasion to escape them.

Now that he’d in high school Sena decides to join a club. Through a series of interesting events, he ends up joining the football club, intending to be their manager. But when team captain Himura sees Sena use his phenomenal running and dodging to escape three delinquents, he decides Sena will join the team as the new running back. To keep other sports clubs from persuading Sena to switch to them (and to keep an over-protective childhood friend from pushing him to quit such a dangerous sport), Himura gives him a helmet with a green eye shield and jersey number 21 and dubs him “Eyeshield 21.”

Under the guise of Eyeshield 21, Sena becomes the ace of their small team, the Deimon Devil Bats. That’s a lot of pressure for someone who’s more used to being bullied than playing sports. Sena sometimes bends, but he doesn’t break. He endures harsh training and tough opponents, always improving his already incredible running.

And yet, Sena’s self confidence isn’t rock solid, even by the last dozen episodes. It’s better, but he still gets discouraged. There are times Sena’s confidence drops in a game, and he doesn’t pick himself right back up. It becomes tempting to think, “Come, on, you should be used to this by now! You always overcome the tough opponents! Always! So stop being so discouraged so quickly and concentrate already!” Instead of allowing those thoughts to manifest, I turn to my own life. How often do I give up too quickly? How often do I decide I can’t do something and lose concentration? Am I really in any place to call Sena a wimp?

I continuously excel in my classes. I demonstrated my abilities in a recent team competition related to government, even though we didn’t win. Can I really turn around and say, “I can’t work that hard on my Communist project”? I’m in no place to say I can’t pull together a good paper on Communism, even if it just looks like a jumble of notes and missing hours at this point. Yes, it’s intimidating. But so was that competition. There were times when we brainstormed and struggled with the best approach to a question. Yet we turned out excellent answers. Almost every paper I do, I wonder at some point if it will turn out well. And every paper receives an excellent grade. I can give results I’m proud of. I’ve proven this again and again, just as Sena continuously proves his ability to out run the other teams’ aces. I might not be able to sort my thoughts. I might lose track of time, and I might have done barely half the work I was supposed to yesterday. But just because I fell down yesterday doesn’t mean I have to fall down today.

One of Sena’s rivals and role models, Shin, nailed him again and again with his Spear Tackle. There were a couple of times that Sena stopped believing he could escape that painful tackle, “light speed” running or no. He nearly ran off the field and quit the game entirely the first time he encountered it. But after that, he stood up from each of Shin’s tackles and prepared to try again. When he didn’t escape, he took the details into account, put the failure behind him, and set out to run and dodge even faster the next time. Because of this tenacity, Sena evolved during and between his games against Shin – and he beat him. If Sena grew discouraged during a game, Shin took him out easily every time. But if he held steady and concentrated on his goal, Sena improved during the game and surpassed Shin.

I am not that different from Sena. If I allow my failures to weigh on me and dictate my actions, I continue to fail. I don’t get work done. But if I see what I did wrong, use it to plan my next action, and put my failure behind me, I succeed. I improve.

I want to mature, especially as high school nears its end and my eighteenth birthday approaches. I think maturing means moving forward, and I can’t move forward if my past mistakes weigh me down. It’s time for me to get up, shake off the last “spear tackle,” and concentrate on winning the next one.

*both pictures are from Eyeshield 21

The Day is Dimming

The day is dimming.
Night is coming.
Panic wells up.
As the sun begins to fade.

I chase it,
Grasping at rays of light,
Willing a bit to stay
Before hope is gone for good.

You can't hold light.
It won't
Be contained
By human hands.

Darkness threatens
To overcome me.
I pray the Lord
Will hold the sun.

Stress

The stress of the world
Is to much to bear.
I am overwhelmed.
I wish I didn't care.

Even my dreams are stressful.
I toss and turn all night.
Still, sleep is beter that life,
For there I win the fight.

"Be anxious for nothing,"
The Bible says.
"Ask, and it will be given."
So I ask for peace.

Calm my pounding heart.
Unfold my tense chest.
Give me peace
As I face this test.

My fears have no foundation,
For I always survive.
In fact, most of the time,
I thrive.

With the help of the Father,
I will face my life.
I'll overcome my panic
To be rid of inner strife.

Live With. Live Alone.

Run from the world
Run and be hid
No responsibility
No worries
No fear

Ignore your troubles
Leave them behind
Flee from the crowd
Don’t need them
Don’t care

Crawl into your safe spot
Dream a fantasy
Go far far away
To your land
Alone

Does real life really matter?
Do I need to care?
Don’t think
Don’t feel
Pretend

Go away, world
Leave me alone
Let me fold into a ball
And sleep

Stop knocking
You’re not welcome
I told you to go
Thinking is hard
Life is too full

I know the world can be good
I know I shouldn’t shun
Yet caring is work
I’m too tired to care
Later; Come back later

Friends so kind
Friends so loud
Sweet
Frustrating
Unknown

Let them in
Say hello
You can leave them later
Smile
Laugh and play

Joke with them
Be social
Converse and work
Part of the world
Think

By yourself later
Meditate on truth
Be grateful for those you love
Before you leave
The world

Then be alone
Then don’t think
Then laze around
Then leave
You can pretend