When the Swamp Clouds my Mind

I forgot to post last night. Now, I could do a normal Swamped post. I could try to spit out a Rewind post really quickly and then get to homework. Instead, I think I'll share some of what I've been pondering and writing lately. I started writing this earlier this week, and sharing it will help me feel accountable to follow up with action.

You've seen me say "I'm swamped" before. But that's becoming more than a figure of speech, and turning into a perfect analogy for my muddied state of mind (more muddied than usual, I mean). Thus, I need some self-examination.

I nearly marathoned Meganebu!, Daily Lives of High School Boys, and a dark reverse harem over the space of a few days. I reminded myself of my last two years of high school, when I watched well over two month's worth of anime. Those were dark years for multiple reasons, and I felt an echo of them when I cuddled in bed, ignoring homework and my messy room as I binge-watched anime that made me laugh… and anime that made me feel horror.

From the end of Daily Lives of High School Boys, episode 12. This
is their take on the running-late-to-school-with-toast-in-your-mouth
trope. Personally, I prefer microwavable breakfast sandwiches or, if
I'm really even later than usual, a spoonful of peanut butter.

It’s one thing to take a break from responsibilities for a bit, to refresh. But, just like in high school, I was seeking joy and freedom in the wrong place. The "joy" I find watching Daily Lives didn't help me in my own daily life. So when I looked up from homework and realized the beautiful weather stirred nothing but cynicism, I stopped what I was doing and grabbed my journal.

I’m feeling echoes of how I was four years ago. Thankfully, I’m more aware of myself now. I have a little Squad of Depression Monitors in me. They often team up with the Anxiety Patrol. My lethargy, binge-watching, and melancholy feelings set off some quiet alarms, and the Anti-Depression Squad set out to investigate.

Am I depressed? No. But I’m not so proud as to believe I’m immune from depression just because we beat it in the past. And my habits are becoming less healthy. I can’t brush it off as “typical college student” behavior and expect to be okay. So when my Anti-Depression Squad recognized gateway signs, it also advised a change of action.

First, I examined my emotional balance. Was there an unusual amount of melancholy? There was, so I examined it before dismissing it. Dismissing an emotion without finding its source is like plucking the head off a weed and leaving the root: the weed will still live, its roots taking over the soil while the head grows back, stronger than ever. This time, the root of my melancholy didn't go too deep. But it was worth looking into.

Second, I read Psalm 136, my favorite psalm. My perspective on life was getting dark and twisted. The sun, which usually makes me smile and thank the Lord, didn't help this time. When I examined my mood and what was going on in my life, I realized that what I felt did not sync with reality. The best remedy? Read truth. So I turned to the Psalms. When I finished reading and praying, I felt a little more in sync with the world.

Honestly, I have not been journalling and reading my Bible as much as I should. I'm not saying this just because daily devotions are the "good Christian thing" to do. I'm saying this because the swamp in my schedule is flooding my mind and heart. Journalling helps me organize and clean my mind. It forces me to look at the root of my anxious or melancholy feelings and keep them from becoming destructive. If my thoughts are getting twisted or out of sync with reality, journalling exposes that. And reading the Bible helps me replace twisted thinking with true thinking. Praying is an important element, too, because I can't keep myself healthy or grow spiritually without God's help (plus, I can tell him anything without worrying what he thinks, so it's always good to spend time with him).

So, once I've posted this, I'm going to get out my journal and make sure my head's on straight. I don't have time or mental energy for much, but any time writing and praying is better than none. Then, it's off to homework, and hopefully some cleaning and exercise. When I step away from the anime and TV, I realize that my life is out of balance. My journal is not the only thing I've neglected between homework and computer time, and it's starting to affect me in more ways than one.

Rewind: The Wallflower

Last time I wrote about The Wallflower, almost three years ago, it resulted in a reflective post. I've had a few years to reflect on the same topics and add to my thoughts. Those years show in this post, so it's a little more in depth than past "Rewind" posts.

It’s been a while since I watched or read The Wallflower (Yamato Nadeshiko Shichi Henge). But I’ve thought about it now and then, attempted to watch the dubbed version, and reread my old post on the series. It’s easy to remember the premise, and easier still to remember the appeal of it. I identified with the main character, Sunako. I wanted friends to reach out to me like the boys in The Wallflower reached out to her. I wanted to be special to a group of people, and perhaps especially special to a single young man, like Sunako was. I enjoyed the light romance, and the characters’ more charming moments made me giggle. The Wallflower gave me - and millions of other girls - a way to live a fantasy. Yes, it was unrealistic. Still, it addressed real needs: the need for acceptance, companionship, love, to be pursued. In its own way, The Wallflower addressed our need for salvation from ourselves and the darkness that encompasses us.

Sunako is a high school girl who loves horror. She spends her days hiding in her dark room, watching horror movies. When she must leave the safety of her room, she hides behind her long hair. She does not put care into her appearance. Her clothes are frumpy, and her skin could benefit from basic care. She carries the pain of rejection with her; two years ago, the boy she liked called her ugly. Even before that, she wasn’t exactly a social butterfly. Now, it’s yet another reason to stay in the shadows.

Her rich, traveling aunt wants to change her. She sends Sunako to live in her mansion with four stunningly handsome boys. In exchange for free rent, they are instructed to transform her into a beautiful lady. They don’t have much to work with. Sunako is not a willing subject, and if she looks directly at her housemates, she gets a nose bleed, as she does around all such “beautiful creatures.” She would prefer to stay in darkness with her horror movies and skulls. These habits have shaped her demeanor, so she actually scares the guys. Like her aunt, they'd much rather change her into something more "ladylike" than accept her for who she is, horror movies and all.

The young men, also students at her high school, are determined. At first, they try to draw her out of darkness because they want free rent. This turns into genuine care. They don’t all compete for her love. Unlike characters in certain recent reverse harem anime, these boys have somewhat varied tastes in women (and some sense of respect). But they become her friends and defenders. One of them becomes the key love interest.

One of the "ridiculous things" I'm referring
to. This particular adventure is in ep 3.

It’s a gradual process, and many ridiculous things happen along the way. I used anime and manga to escape reality much like Sunako used horror, so I enjoyed the unrealistic scenarios and the laughs they produced. This brand of shoujo romantic comedy held particular appeal at the time - by the end of 2010, I’d also watched Skip Beat, Fruits Basket, Kare Kano, Itazura na Kiss, and similar shows. They transported me to a different reality, a place where unlikely love bloomed between unlikely people in even more unlikely situations. I considered myself an extremely unlikely candidate for anything close to romance. I craved the kind of excitement and attention shoujo heroines experienced. I liked anime where the girl was stuck living with the guys, because she automatically got their notice and companionship. I escaped into the anime and lived through the characters, because by the end of 2010, my anxiety and depression were starting to suffocate me again. I wanted someone to notice, to save me from the downward spiral, to draw me into the light even if I resisted.

Of course, I’m not a shoujo heroine, so only my family, psychiatrist, and God seemed to realize my situation. Faced with that reality, I settled for watching Kyohei draw near to Sunako. I knew that wasn’t sufficient for me. Here’s an excerpt of what I posted on February 4, 2011:

“Why then do I forget Him? I read manga, watch anime, and dream of young gentlemen to fill a prince-shaped hole. Yet Jesus already came to fill that hole, and I already accepted Him for the divine Prince He is. Do I, deep down, not truly believe that He is enough? Does some part of me think I need to prove myself worthy of His love? Jesus’ radiance outshines that of any manga or anime character. I don’t get a bloody nose when I realize His presence, but I do get overwhelmed. He is far more than a hundred times as great as Kyohei, Tankenaga, or any other character in The Wallflower. In comparison, I feel like Sunako in her most diminutive form. Part of me wants to hide in my room, turn off the lights, and escape into an anime the way Sunako does with her horror movies. But the other part of me wants to venture into that brilliant light, brave my “bloody nose,” and find out more about the dazzling Prince who gave up everything for me, who pursues a relationship with scattered little me.”

I felt helpless at that point. I knew the truth of what I wrote - Jesus was sufficient. He loved me. I held onto those facts and tried not to let escape define every moment of my free time, tried not to ignore Him, tried to rely on Him. But it would be two more months before I reached my turning point, and several more months before the heavy-heartedness was gone.

I am grateful for my time in darkness. I’m glad it wasn’t worse, but I’m also glad it wasn’t easier. My obsessive attempts to use anime as an escape, my attempts to hide those wasted hours and late nights from my parents and those who I thought lived in light, my attempts to sort out my feelings and live more organized, more productive, more like the other, “healthy” kids - these showed me my helplessness, my brokenness, my weakness, my sinfulness.

By the time I graduated from high school, by the time I took a year off to heal, I was a little mroe humble. My relationship with Jesus had weathered the storms of teenage-hood, thanks to His faithfulness. I grasped Him desperately with my eyes squeezed shut, and He held me securely in His arms. And I came out of it with a better idea of how much I needed salvation, not just from eternal punishment, but from the weight of sin and brokenness everyday.

Sunako and the boys. I think we see their
comedic/diminuitive expressions more
often than their normal facial features.

I love watching anime characters pursue each other. In The Wallflower, Kyouhei and the others pursue Sunako, showing her that the light isn’t so bad. And when the shoe’s on the other foot, when Kyouhei is kidnapped or runs away, Sunako pursues him. I’ve discovered something pretty cool about reality, though: Jesus didn’t stop pursuing me when I became a Christian. He didn’t say, “okay, my work here is done. Time to pursue the next lost sheep.” When I stray, He comes and pulls me back to Him. I’ve learned, and continue to learn, to trust His passionate, pursuing love. I trust Him with my imperfections, trust Him to know those imperfections better than I do and still love me more than I can imagine. So I try not to hide from His light when I’m faced with my brokenness. He sees it anyway, and He’s able to heal me, to work with me, to use that brokenness for something beautiful. I’ve seen some of that already. He has filled every need that I felt addressed in The Wallflower, and He does so in a way that no one else can - not in real life, and certainly not in a fictional animated story. 

Now, I’m going to stop writing. “Rewind” posts are supposed to be short bits about shows I barely remember. Well, this post is about The Wallflower, but it’s also about things that have been on my mind in the three years since I first watched it. I could go on (in fact, I have), but I’ll save it for another post.

Bittersweet Nabari no Ou: Depression and Friendship

Yoite and Miharu

[Warning: Spoilers ahead]

Throughout Nabari no Ou, one fact rings clear to me: Yoite is depressed. I ache for him as he wishes to be erased from the world. He does not consider himself alive or dead. He does not feel wanted or loved. He doesn’t want to die, but he doesn’t want to live either. 

Hattori, chief of the Kairoshu, exploits Yoite’s depression. Instead of encouraging the youth to live, he promises a brand of “disappearance” - death by use of kira. The kid needs help, and not the kind of “help” that drains his life, but Hattori doesn’t care.

Others do care. First Yukimi and his sister, then Miharo, then Gau and Kaito and others. They begin to watch over Yoite and care deeply for him, but he is too deep in his depression to see it until Miharo spells it out for him in the last episode. Only then does he choose to live out the time he has left.

That is what people need when they are depressed. Whether they are suicidal or simply want to wish life away, they need people to care about them, and for that care to be made clear. Repeatedly and honestly. They need people who will be patient and stand by them, who will not give them an excuse to wallow in depression, but a hand to climb out of it, however long it may take. 

I know this from my own struggles. When you’re depressed, your thinking becomes twisted. You don’t see things in perspective. I never considered taking my own life, likely because, unlike Yoite, I had a foundation of love and trust to stand on. But I did wish I didn’t have to live. I wouldn’t have minded simply being erased. That wasn’t an option, so I stumbled along, holding tight to God’s love and to my parents’ hands, to my “Miharu”s, and to the promise that somehow my troubles would be used for good. 

There was good on the other side. It was a slow process to get there, but it was good. I wouldn’t trade any part of my journey, even if I’d be more successful in life without it. Like Yoite says, “It’s because of my past that I am who I am now.” Our pasts make us who we are to ourselves and to those around us. We might be ashamed of our pasts, and the consequences may haunt us, but who would we be without them?

I know that my past struggles with anxiety and depression, struggles that I’m still on the alert for in case they come back, made me more compassionate. I look at the world differently, with more understanding, and my sharp tongue is a little softer than before. Further, if I didn’t encounter the depression cycle in high school, I’d probably encounter it later in life, when I have more responsibilities. Now, I know the signs, and hopefully I can avoid the spiral.

Part of avoiding the depression spiral is to surround myself with the right people. A few years ago, I’d have said that the right people meant no people; I just needed my computer and the lock on my door. But I’ve discovered that, sometimes, friends are just what I need to keep my melancholy mood from becoming something more. They keep me from wishing the world away again, much as Miharu helps Yoite embrace his life.

Yoite is dying because he used kira, and he has blood on his hands because of the kira, too. But he won’t trade it in. Ironically, the very thing that was meant to make him disappear, the thing Hattori would use for his twisted plans, was used to give Yoite friends. Ultimately, the kira technique obtained because of depression brought him out of depression. It was used for good. I applaud the mangaka for that.

And I applaud my Lord, the Mangaka of my life, for the beautiful work He is using my struggles for. I barely see bits and pieces of it, but what I see fills my heart with praise. The pain brought on by sinful, broken flesh is being used for good, just like Romans 8:28 says.

Painful memories are used to create something good; that’s a theme in Nabari no Ou, stated in various ways in the last episode. What is bitter somehow becomes sweet. 

I was drawn to this show first because of the action, then the humor in character interactions. I don’t know how deeply I felt it the first time I watched, over three years ago, but now, it feels like I’m saying goodbye to Yoite for the first time. There was so much bitterness in Yoite’s past - in most of the characters’ pasts, really - yet by the end, it is sweet. Depression becomes peace and joy, even in the sadness of an ending life. 

It is a transition made possible by friendship. The theme can seem overdone when you’ve watched a lot of anime (or shows from any country, really). But as Nabari no Ou demonstrates, the connections between people are serious... serious, and beautiful, and, sometimes, what stands between life and death. 

We were not made to live life alone. Remember that. If you are feeling down, whether or not you think it’s diagnosable depression, or if the feelings that I described resonate within you, find someone to be with or talk to: a friend, relative, counselor - you can even drop me a comment or a tweet. And if you see someone feeling down, say hello. Offer a smile, a hug, or whatever is needed. Ask if you don’t know. Take suicide signs seriously (Google those if in doubt - I’m not an expert on it). 

As Yoite, Miharu, and the rest of the cast of Nabari no Ou illustrate so well, together, we can take the pain and bitterness and make something sweet.

My Aniblogger Testimony

Last month, I wrote a post for TWWK's Aniblogger Testimonies series over at Beneath the Tangles. He's already put up testimonies from several other bloggers, and mine went up today. Some things have changed since I wrote it; most things have not. Anyway, it's up.

The Day is Dimming

The day is dimming.
Night is coming.
Panic wells up.
As the sun begins to fade.

I chase it,
Grasping at rays of light,
Willing a bit to stay
Before hope is gone for good.

You can't hold light.
It won't
Be contained
By human hands.

Darkness threatens
To overcome me.
I pray the Lord
Will hold the sun.

Live With. Live Alone.

Run from the world
Run and be hid
No responsibility
No worries
No fear

Ignore your troubles
Leave them behind
Flee from the crowd
Don’t need them
Don’t care

Crawl into your safe spot
Dream a fantasy
Go far far away
To your land
Alone

Does real life really matter?
Do I need to care?
Don’t think
Don’t feel
Pretend

Go away, world
Leave me alone
Let me fold into a ball
And sleep

Stop knocking
You’re not welcome
I told you to go
Thinking is hard
Life is too full

I know the world can be good
I know I shouldn’t shun
Yet caring is work
I’m too tired to care
Later; Come back later

Friends so kind
Friends so loud
Sweet
Frustrating
Unknown

Let them in
Say hello
You can leave them later
Smile
Laugh and play

Joke with them
Be social
Converse and work
Part of the world
Think

By yourself later
Meditate on truth
Be grateful for those you love
Before you leave
The world

Then be alone
Then don’t think
Then laze around
Then leave
You can pretend