Hints of the Eternal Story in Gungrave

Dead week is ending, finals are coming, and I'm more Swamped than ever. Thankfully, a little over a month ago, I had a chance to center my homework around Gungrave, my favorite anime. We were to write a brief paper about how something from pop culture reflected truths about God's story. I'm changing some wording to fit this blog's audience better, but other than that, I'm pretty much posting the paper as-is. And adding screenshots.

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This is a very brief overview of some ways that Gungrave reflects truths about us and about God (most likely without the makers realizing it). Eventually, maybe I'll write in-depth posts about some of these details. Also, I'd like to analyze what the main characters' values are, and how they contrast with a Christian point of view. But not today. Today, I focus on hints and reflections of truth.

*Spoilers ahead!* Pretty much all the important parts of the plot are spoiled. So read at your own risk. If you're interested in a more "typical" review with less spoilers and a little bit of fangirling, see my Rewind post from 2013.

Summary of Gungrave 

Gungrave is an anime that crosses mafia drama with science fiction. It centers around loyal Brandon and ambitious Harry, best friends who, as young men, become involved in a mafia-like syndicate called Millennion. They work their way up, into the leader, Big Daddy’s, inner circle, or “family.” Then Harry prepares to betray Big Daddy and everyone loyal to him. This includes Brandon. But Brandon anticipates this. Before Harry kills him, he makes arrangements for a procedure that allows him to become “Beyond the Grave.” Thirteen years later, Brandon returns to kill his best friend and everyone else who betrayed Millennion. It’s love and honor that drive him to kill, not hateful revenge. This is beautifully illustrated in the last episode, when he and Harry die together in the abandoned cafe they lived in as street kids. 

Brandon is on the left of this screenshot, in the black suit. He is an enforcer
for Millennion, which means he does the dirty work associated with avenging,
protecting, and enforcing a code of loyalty. He works in the dark, while Harry
wears the white suit of budding leadership. But in this scene, Brandon is the one
standing in the light, as his best friend's true colors are finally
revealed. Love the symbolism of this! (ep 14)

Hints of God's Story

Brandon provides an illustration of God’s unconditional love, paired with his justice. He still loves Harry, and he gives him ample opportunity to change. But when Harry won’t turn back, Brandon prepares to kill him. He further echoes Jesus when he is killed by Harry, and when his other comrades join Harry’s betrayal. He dies at the hands of the very people he loves, but he does not resent them. Instead, he returns, to bring “justice” and, to what extent is possible, reconcile relationships. Similarly, Jesus died and rose again without resentment, to redeem us from sin. And, also similarly, Jesus will return to judge the living and the dead.

Hints of Creation [Of who and what we were made to be] 

Deep relationships, especially platonic and familial ones, provide a strong theme throughout Gungrave. Before the Fall, Adam and Eve had a pure relationship between themselves and God, untainted by deceit or greed. Humans aren’t made to live alone, and that shows in Gungrave. Brandon is especially good at valuing fellowship, but Harry gravitates to family-like groups, too. First, it’s their little gang in the slums. Then, it’s Millenion. Harry even gets married. Since wives, unlike best friends, are kept out of mafia business, he enjoys a relatively fulfilling relationship. 

Hints of Fall [Of how messed up we've become since the events recorded in Gen. 3]

Death, specifically murder, is an obvious hint throughout Gungrave. But the hints that resonate more deeply come from broken relationships. Sin prevents Brandon from a relationship with his beloved Maria. He is too involved in underworld dealings—and too loyal to Harry—to be a stable man for her. When stated like that, it sounds like an illustration of the separation between God and Man after the Fall. (Now there is a topic I'd like to explore—Maria and Brandon's relationship as a reflection of the human condition.) Most glaringly, Harry does not understand that selfless love and loyalty are infinitely more valuable than power and money. Thus, he accuses Brandon of betraying him by standing in his way. Instead of trusting his friend’s goodwill, he kills him—much like Eve and Adam chose not to trust God’s command. Harry misplaces his trust and confuses his priorities, just like so many of us do when blinded by the allure of sin. 

Hints of Redemption [Of reconciliation, bringing us and the world back into our proper relationship with God]

There is an echo of redeeming love in the last episode of Gungrave. Brandon finally begins to get through to Harry, to remind him of the friendship they used to have. At times, the screen shows them as their younger selves, from before Millenion.  Past and present mix in their last minutes, and they see dead friends. This gives hints of an afterlife, and of reunion with loved ones. With Brandon’s last words right before they shoot each other, he suggests they return to their childhood, to days of freedom. In the last scene, they do just that. We see the day Brandon and Harry meet at the orphanage. It shows restoration of relationships, innocence, and freedom.

Conclusion

This is one of my favorite anime, and I’m sure it’s largely because of the elements outlined here. It shows the broken nature of human life and relationships, but it also values both of them very deeply. God isn’t acknowledged in this anime, but it does acknowledge our ability to love despite the worst, and without letting go of justice. That is something that God created, that reflects him, and is beautiful even in the most broken settings.

When the Swamp Clouds my Mind

I forgot to post last night. Now, I could do a normal Swamped post. I could try to spit out a Rewind post really quickly and then get to homework. Instead, I think I'll share some of what I've been pondering and writing lately. I started writing this earlier this week, and sharing it will help me feel accountable to follow up with action.

You've seen me say "I'm swamped" before. But that's becoming more than a figure of speech, and turning into a perfect analogy for my muddied state of mind (more muddied than usual, I mean). Thus, I need some self-examination.

I nearly marathoned Meganebu!, Daily Lives of High School Boys, and a dark reverse harem over the space of a few days. I reminded myself of my last two years of high school, when I watched well over two month's worth of anime. Those were dark years for multiple reasons, and I felt an echo of them when I cuddled in bed, ignoring homework and my messy room as I binge-watched anime that made me laugh… and anime that made me feel horror.

From the end of Daily Lives of High School Boys, episode 12. This
is their take on the running-late-to-school-with-toast-in-your-mouth
trope. Personally, I prefer microwavable breakfast sandwiches or, if
I'm really even later than usual, a spoonful of peanut butter.

It’s one thing to take a break from responsibilities for a bit, to refresh. But, just like in high school, I was seeking joy and freedom in the wrong place. The "joy" I find watching Daily Lives didn't help me in my own daily life. So when I looked up from homework and realized the beautiful weather stirred nothing but cynicism, I stopped what I was doing and grabbed my journal.

I’m feeling echoes of how I was four years ago. Thankfully, I’m more aware of myself now. I have a little Squad of Depression Monitors in me. They often team up with the Anxiety Patrol. My lethargy, binge-watching, and melancholy feelings set off some quiet alarms, and the Anti-Depression Squad set out to investigate.

Am I depressed? No. But I’m not so proud as to believe I’m immune from depression just because we beat it in the past. And my habits are becoming less healthy. I can’t brush it off as “typical college student” behavior and expect to be okay. So when my Anti-Depression Squad recognized gateway signs, it also advised a change of action.

First, I examined my emotional balance. Was there an unusual amount of melancholy? There was, so I examined it before dismissing it. Dismissing an emotion without finding its source is like plucking the head off a weed and leaving the root: the weed will still live, its roots taking over the soil while the head grows back, stronger than ever. This time, the root of my melancholy didn't go too deep. But it was worth looking into.

Second, I read Psalm 136, my favorite psalm. My perspective on life was getting dark and twisted. The sun, which usually makes me smile and thank the Lord, didn't help this time. When I examined my mood and what was going on in my life, I realized that what I felt did not sync with reality. The best remedy? Read truth. So I turned to the Psalms. When I finished reading and praying, I felt a little more in sync with the world.

Honestly, I have not been journalling and reading my Bible as much as I should. I'm not saying this just because daily devotions are the "good Christian thing" to do. I'm saying this because the swamp in my schedule is flooding my mind and heart. Journalling helps me organize and clean my mind. It forces me to look at the root of my anxious or melancholy feelings and keep them from becoming destructive. If my thoughts are getting twisted or out of sync with reality, journalling exposes that. And reading the Bible helps me replace twisted thinking with true thinking. Praying is an important element, too, because I can't keep myself healthy or grow spiritually without God's help (plus, I can tell him anything without worrying what he thinks, so it's always good to spend time with him).

So, once I've posted this, I'm going to get out my journal and make sure my head's on straight. I don't have time or mental energy for much, but any time writing and praying is better than none. Then, it's off to homework, and hopefully some cleaning and exercise. When I step away from the anime and TV, I realize that my life is out of balance. My journal is not the only thing I've neglected between homework and computer time, and it's starting to affect me in more ways than one.

Rewind: Skip Beat!

Last week, I wrote about "pushover" characters and what we can learn from them. Even as I wrote that post, I thought about Kyoko from Skip Beat!. She didn't qualify for last week's post for multiple reasons. First, she stops being a pushover after the first episode. Second, her character development is more complex, so I'd like to spend more than a paragraph on her story.

Before I dive into Kyoko's character, let's cover the anime itself.

I watched Skip Beat! at least four years ago—even before I watched Yamato Nadeshiko Shichi Henge (The Wallflower). I think, at the time, I thought the male characters were attractive, in the 2D kind of way. I laughed at the the manifestations of Kyoko's feelings—like the phantoms. Looking back, I'm not a fan of the art style—those bishies don't look so pretty anymore, and the dramatic visual effects don't move me the same way. Still, I must agree with my past self: this is a fun show.

In fact, I just finished the Taiwanese drama of Skip Beat!, which followed pretty much the same plot as the anime, though they changed some details. I'm not exactly a drama fan, but I enjoyed this production. It retained anime/manga physics and effects, like Kyoko's crazy cycling speed and those little Kyoko-phantoms, so I felt right at home.

The manifestations of Kyoko's grudge can physically harm people.
Kinda cool anime logic. In this scene, she's just found out that Sho is
just using her, and she's gone nuts (ep 1).

But I digress. Back to the anime.

Kyoko has built her life around Sho—childhood friend, rising idol, and narcissistic jerk. He asked her to move with him to Tokyo right after middle school, so he could escape his family's plans for him and become an idol, like he's always dreamed. Of course, she accepted, even though it meant giving up high school (which is not compulsory in Japan). She works two jobs to pay rent at their expensive apartment, and she buys almost nothing for herself... except his CDs, posters, etc. (which he really should be getting her for free). He's rarely at the apartment, and when he is, he's rude--but she brushes it off, blaming his work schedule for his grumpiness.

Sho, on the other hand, thinks he's entitled to treat her as his maid. After all, it's always been that way. She's lived at his family's inn since childhood, always following and adoring him, working hard to get his and his family's approval. She thinks of him as her prince. She's in rags now, like fairytale princesses, but she'll always be together with him... Sho thinks of himself as a prince, too. But that's the only part they really agree on.

By the end of the first episode, Kyoko knows the truth and moves on. But, up to that point, this is an abusive relationship. What separates Kyoko from the selfless characters I talked about last week? Why does she seem more pitiable than admirable? Where did she go wrong? I don't have the time or expertise to fully explore these questions, but I want to take at least a few moments to consider them.

First, her identity is built around one human being. She idolized him long before he became a pop idol, and she continues to worship him. Her time, talents, energy, worship—every ounce of it goes to Sho. This is never healthy. Even if he were everything she wanted him to be, it wouldn't be good.

So, what would be a better situation? Our culture might suggest she learn to love and respect herself, and pursue her own happiness... but she'd still be building her life around one person—herself. It sounds like a healthy option, but it's not. Alternatively, we could suggest she expand her perspective, and spend her time building other relationships and giving to multiple people. The characters I mentioned last week certainly do that. And yet, it's still not the complete picture.

I believe that our service and love should be primarily oriented toward God, not toward other people or ourselves. That is the key to living well. God commands us to be selfless and loving. So serving others is built into serving him. But we don't have to depend on the people we serve for acceptance, praise, or love. Nor is our worth measured by how much we please others.

Imagine if Kyoko knew all this. I suspect the story would be very different—first, she might not have gone to Tokyo at all. She wouldn't let Sho drain her resources. Instead, she'd bless more people with her friendship. She wouldn't fear abandonment from Sho as much. And when she found out the truth about his jerkiness, she wouldn't be consumed by vengeance. She'd feel sad and betrayed, yes, but she'd also know that her hope for salvation and love was always in the Lord God, not in her childhood friend.

This topic deserves more attention, but this is all I can give it tonight. Since I can't think much more before I fall asleep, I'd love to read your thoughts on this topic!

Rewind: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood

It too me two years to finish Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood... and that's only counting the second time through. I feel sheepish admitting this. I'm an anime fan, and FMA Brotherhood is a highly acclaimed series. Why didn't I watch it earlier? I enjoyed almost every minute of the show, so it's strange that I went months--even years--without clicking on the next episode.

Ed and Al, pre-tragedy (flashback from ep 26). Love the character
development in this show.

For whatever reason, during my first attempt at FMA Brotherhood, I only made it through about thirty episodes. I started it up again in 2012. After twenty-three episodes, I wrote out a few of my reactions in a blog post. The characters in this show are magnificently done, so I dwelled on them in another post after the 28th episode. By the time I reached the 44th episode, the conflict was heating up, character stories were coming to light, and I was pretty excited about all of it.

I didn't get much further than that episode before I stalled the show. I'm not sure why--maybe, as my freshman year of college picked up pace, I was too busy and stressed to watch Brotherhood. That happens, sometimes, when I care too much about an anime's plot and characters. I eventually went to Hulu to watch the next episode... only to find that Funimation had taken most of the episodes down. Last month, almost two years after I last watched Brotherhood, I found it on Netflix. It didn't take long for the show to suck me right back in. And this time, I stuck with it.

There are a lot of dark, serious elements to Brotherhood. There are parallels to the Nazi regime, including genocide. Human experimentation has connections both to the Nazis and to modern ethical questions. And this is only a small fraction of the tough topics Arakawa Hiromu tackled in her manga-turned-anime. But it's not all dark. Somehow, there's just enough comic relief to keep this show from being completely depressing, without undermining the gravity of each situation.

[Big Spoilers next section]

Brotherhood is fascinating in all areas, including the mythology Arakawa develops in the show. God does not exist in this anime (there is a being described as "god," but it is not, by any stretch, like the God I know). Edward Elric is an atheist, and there are atheistic themes throughout. This is especially apparent near the end, after Father absorbs the "Eye of God," becoming, by all appearances, the most powerful being known to man.

Of course, our heroes don't have much respect for anything claiming to be all-powerful. Edward's the type to march up to the deity at the Gate of Truth and demand whatever trade he thinks is fair. Mustang and other characters are similarly bold, due to a combination of ambition, pride, and faith (whether in another god, like the Ishvalians believe in, or in humanity). So they face Father head-on, defeat him, and make a statement about how humans are basically the masters of their fate (with a slight bow to natural law) and can take care of themselves without the intervention of a divine being (in fact, in this show, they're generally better off on their own).

[Spoilers over]

Clearly, secular humanism plays a big role in this anime. The abilities of humans are lifted up, while supernatural or otherworldly beings--such as homunculi, deities, or deity wannabes--are systematically undermined and/or defeated. This is a popular worldview, and if you keep an eye out, you'll recognize its influence, especially in Western media. But it's not just the worldview in Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood. It's one of the reigning themes.

As a Christian, I must recognize when secular humanism is being promoted and reject the fallacies that come with it. There is an all-powerful God, and he is involved in our lives. He is our Creator, and he made the world--and humans in particular--to be in a relationship with him. As such, we are not better off on our own, and we can not completely solve our problems on our own--especially since the biggest problem any person can have is separation from God.

At the same time, there are glimmers of truth in humanism. (In fact, there's a branch known as Christian humanism, but I'm ignoring that term here, since it could confuse the compare/contrast of secular humanism and a Biblical worldview.) Humans are pretty special. Out of all Creation (including angels), we're the only ones created in the likeness of God. He gave us reign over everything else on earth (Genesis 1:26-29, Psalm 8). And if we believe in God, and in his son, Jesus Christ, then we will even be glorified with Christ, as co-heirs with him (Romans 8:14-17). I could spend an entire post on the blessings God gives us. But I won't. And, before I continue, I'd like to emphasize that everything that makes us special is a gift from God, and does not come from some human-generated ability. God is still infinitely greater than us in every way, which is what makes his love for us even more amazing.

Basically, we've been put in an enviable position... which brings me back to Brotherhood.

[Some spoilers through ep 54 ahead]

In episode 54, Ed cuts to the heart of Envy's envy.

Meet Envy, the vain, shapeshifting homunculus. I don't have a screenshot of his preferred form, but, by the end of his battle with Ed, Mustang, and the others in ep 54, he's just a little green monster, both literally and figuratively. Until his defeat, he had power than most humans can only dream of. If he'd left Mustang's friends alone, or at least concealed his part in Hughes's murder and hightailed it out of the country, he could have been immortal. And yet, he's jealous of humans. Why?

In Brotherhood, we see many things humans have that Envy doesn't. Most notably, there's the relationships, which provide not only love, but support and strength. We may be weak at times, but, together, we can pick each other up and succeed (note the humanism in that statement). We have a warmth and a depth, a wellroundedness, and an ability to rule that Envy and the other homunculi don't.

When I saw Envy's envy, I though of Satan, a vain, jealous (now fallen) angel. He tried to set himself up as God, and was then cast out of heaven. We humans are much closer to what he covets that he will ever be, for the reasons I outlined above the screenshot.

... I want to go on, but I'm out of time.

Ranma, Tell Akane She's Cute

I'm watching Ranma 1/2. It's enjoyable, but I have a serious issue with it. Can you guess what it is?

It's not the nudity, although I dislike that element.

No, not the gender-bending part of it, either, although I think that's why I initially marked it "won't watch" on Anime-Planet.

I take issue with the way Ranma treats Akane.

He attacks her femininity almost constantly. His most common insult is "you're so not cute."

Ranma and Akane walk to school together for the first time in episode
2. They're both frustrated about the whole arranged marriage thing,
and they take it out on each other. This setting becomes a common
one for their spats.

I know what you might think.

It's just an anime, Annalyn. Tsunderes and insensitive boys are always throwing out insults they don't mean. You should be used to it by now. 

Ranma just says those things because he's immature and can't process his true feelings. He's bashful. "You're not cute" means "you're adorable."

Akane isn't innocent, either. She calls him "baka" ("stupid") all the time, even though we all know that "baka" is practically a love confession. 

I've told myself the same things. Here's my response to the second and third defenses: Yes, the audience knows what's really in the characters' hearts. But the characters don't. Those are hurtful words.

It's just anime, you say? You're not wrong. So, why am I so annoyed by this very common comedic device?

Because I think Akane really believes she isn't cute, that she's boyish and not a desirable wife. I think she gave up on being "truly" feminine years ago, because she doesn't have traditional beauty, interests, or skills, like her oldest sister does. Sure, the guys at school are all after her. But they treat her like a trophy to be won, and they miss her heart. She's raised her defenses around her heart and invested her whole being into martial arts, because that's safe.

Yes, it's just an anime. Akane and Ranma will probably live happily ever after. I doubt that Ranma 1/2 will deal with the self-confidence and image issues that often result from these kinds of insults.

But what about the real Akanes? How many girls and women believe that they have somehow failed at womanhood? How many believe that they aren't cute, pretty, beautiful, or otherwise desirable? How many believe that they will never be married, because no one could possibly love them that much? How many married women believe they still don't measure up?

When Ranma tells Akane that she's not cute, or that she's otherwise unfeminine, he tells a lie. It's not a lie just because he really thinks she's cute. It's a lie because she is a woman. The mangaka, Takahashi, created her to be lovely. And he created her in the image of real women, who are all the more majestic, because we were created by God himself, in his image. 

God created man in his image, too, and men are thus amazing. But that's a different topic.

We're women. We're beautiful by nature, both on the outside and inside, although we don't always feel like we can show it. We're not just desirable. We're desired and loved by God. Each one of us. No exceptions. It doesn't matter if we, like Akane, can beat up boys, and it doesn't even matter if we've beaten up boys we really shouldn't have. We might, like Akane, spit out insults we shouldn't, call people baka or worse… we might not always be graceful, or merciful, or sweet. We're not perfect. We need salvation. But we're still feminine. We're still beautiful. We're still passionately loved and pursued by God.

And anyone who says otherwise, about any of us, is a liar. I don't care if they mean it, and I don't care if the perpetrator is just an anime character.

Because girls need to be told that they are lovely. We're strong, but we're also breakable. Too many women have been broken with the lie, "you're not enough of a woman." Some try to harden themselves to the insults, and when they do that, they deny part of who they are. They deny their need to know that they are beautiful and loved.

Let me speak to the women reading this blog: your need is real. Never feel silly for wanting to know that you are beautiful, you are loved, and you are womanly. If you doubt that any of this is true about you, and you're hurting because of it, then please, know that your hurt is real, and it is worth crying over.

You don't have to believe the lies.

I'm a little more passionate about this topic than usual, probably because I just read Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul. This book, written by John and Stasi Eldredge, has been popular for years now, and rightly so. It's not like they have all the answers, but they seem to have a pretty Biblical perspective on who women are and what we need—not what we should be doing, but what we desire and why. This book hasn't told me very much that's new, but it's affirmed what I already know about myself and other women. It gives a little extra confidence to what I'm writing in this post. Here's a taste of what I read in the chapter called "Beauty to Unveil":

"Beauty is what the world longs to experience from a woman. We know that. Somewhere down deep, we know it to be true. Most of our shame comes from this knowing and feeling that we have failed here. So listen to this: beauty is an essence that dwells in every woman. It was given to her by God. It was given to you" (p. 131, italics theirs).

Essence. That's something internal, unremovable. It cannot be gained with cooking skills, makeup, or a quiet demeanor. It can, however, be covered up, as the Eldredges explain. That's why beauty is something we unveil. We are image-bearers of a beautiful God, but sometimes our beauty gets hidden, even from ourselves. Our doubts get in the way. We hide our beauty, or try to put on artificial beauty, or otherwise raise our defenses.

If beauty is our essence, that means it's a core part of us. In order to unveil more of our beauty, we have to unveil who we really are. We have to be vulnerable and open.

In the first couple dozen episodes, Akane is rarely emotionally vulnerable. She's beautiful, and that can't be completely hidden, but she doesn't feel safe enough to share her heart and essence with those around her. And how could she? She doesn't feel desired or deeply cared for—in fact, Ranma repeatedly tells her that she is undesirable.  Her beauty, her essence is constantly called into question by herself and others, because it doesn't always show up in the traditional way. She's constantly on the defense around the guy her father betrothed her to. She won't show how much the insults hurt her, so she can't be herself.

She's not at rest.

One of my favorite moments in Ranma 1/2 is when Ranma goes a little nuts and believes he's a cat. In that moment, he is honest about his feelings. He curls up on Akane's lap, content to be with the one he loves.

Kitty Ranma curls up on Akane's lap in episode twenty-three.

And when he is an honest kitty, Akane is safe. She calls to him, holds him, and treats him tenderly. Cat Ranma won't reject her. So she can unveil more of her beauty.

She is at rest.

Her beauty also shows up when she defends her friends (or even her "pig"). She holds nothing back, she doesn't bother with the opinions of those watching, and she kicks the offender into the next zip code. She's too busy being beautiful to hide.

Of course, the deepest rest, the strongest confidence, comes through a relationship with God.

God isn't written into most anime or manga. Instead, the writers create love interests to clumsily take over God's affirming role. When a girl knows that she is loved, that she is desirable, she can be a little more at rest.

It would be nice to say women don't need affirmation from anyone. It doesn't matter if anyone says we're beautiful, as long as we think we are. But that's a lie. We're relational creatures. At the very least, we need affirmation from God, and we have that—we just might not realize it. We aren't cut out to be self-reliant anymore than man is (I'm thinking of Genesis 2, when God said "It's not good for man to be alone," right before he made Eve).

In a world without God, such as an anime, women must turn to others to affirm who they are. They must know that they are desired, that someone desires to really know them, not just the veneer they wear to keep themselves safe. That is how they find true rest, how they begin to unveil more of their beauty.

That's partially why Ranma annoys me. He doesn't help Akane to be really at rest. She can't trust in his acceptance, and she can't trust in her own beauty.

If I were talking about a real couple, I'd encourage Akane to turn to God for affirmation. By drawing closer to God, she could find the love and peace she needs to let down her defenses. Then I'd turn my attention to Ranma, who would still need to man up. Since this is anime, not reality, I'll skip straight to the Ranma part.

What's with our shape-shifting protagonist, anyway? Why won't Ranma acknowledge Akane's beauty? Is he afraid he won't measure up, that he can't gain the heart of a beautiful, confident woman? Does he fear the responsibility of caring for her heart? If it's that last one, then here's a newsflash: as a man as a human being, he already has the responsibility of watching out for her heart to at least some degree. Frankly, he's failing at that right now.

Perhaps Ranma believes that Akane's words are true, he really is a "baka," and she'd like to break off their engagement.

For obvious reasons, I know less about men than women. But I've picked up on a little. Love is just as vulnerable for men as for women. Perhaps Ranma doesn't have the confidence to tenderly pursue her or to enjoy her, just as she doesn't have confidence to invite him. Perhaps he believes he'll have a better chance when he breaks his curse and becomes "fully man." But, at this rate, waiting to break his curse looks like a bad idea. And honestly, he doesn't need to wait. Even if he stops turning into a girl every time he gets a splash of cold water, he won't magically become all the man he's created to be.

Instead of waiting to have everything figured out, Ranma needs to man up now and tell Akane that she's cute—or, more honestly, downright beautiful.

When he finally does, Akane needs to affirm him for the compliment, rather than call him stupid. That might be hard for her at first, but eventually she'll start accepting his encouragement. She can invite him (and, in a different way, others) to get to know her and her beauty, encouraging him to be all of the man he is made to be. And he must pursue her, offer his strength as her defender, not only in combat, but also as a defender and pursuer of her heart.

I believe that, since God created us in his image, he gave us the opportunity to reflect who he is through our relationships with one another. We can show love, beauty, and bravery—and, through that, hopefully point to God. Or we can hide from who we are made to be, and show only hate and fear. In the first chunk of Ranma 1/2, Ranma and Akane often lean more toward hate and fear than beauty and bravery. They throw insults that would chip away at anyone's confidence—or cause them to harden their hearts. It's all the more irritating because I've seen glimpses of who they could be without those insults, if they'd only stop.

So, Ranma, tell Akane she's cute. Stop wounding her heart, and start defending and delighting in it.

And Akane, know that you're beautiful, that you're loved. And let that knowledge transform you.

Rewind: Gargantia

I've been meaning to write about Gargantia on the Verdurous Planet (aka Suisei no Gargantia) for a long time. It was never a candidate for my All Time Fave list, but the visuals were beautiful. In fact, when I watched the first episode, "Ooo! Pretty colors!" was one of my first reactions.

Of course, I wouldn't still think about Gargantia a year later just because of the colors. It stirred thoughts about the value of human life. In fact, it already inspired one post about what it means to be human.

But there's more. For the sake of brevity, I'll focus on the fourth episode in this post. Maybe, someday, I'll write more about episode ten, which really stirred me up.

You see, Ledo, the main character, grew up in the Galactic Alliance, where a person's worth is decided by his ability to move the society toward its goal: eradicating the enemy. In Ledo's home in outer space, individuals and their activities must be efficient, and that extends to relationships. Families are considered "inefficient" and "unnecessary" and no longer exist. So he is doubly surprised to hear his new acquaintance, Amy, talk about her frail little brother, Bevel. "In the Galactic Alliance, frail humans are eliminated and disposed of," Ledo tells her. "Humans who cannot participate in battle are useless."

Such a cold, cutthroat society sounds horrific, as it's supposed to. Humans' worth should not be judged by their usefulness—most of us can agree on that.

Bevel examines, then plays, the flute Ledo made, reminding Ledo
of the reason he makes these flutes. For the first time in years, he
remembers someone who made these flutes, but who was weak, and
thus eliminated.

So, what does make a person valuable?

Bevel does not believe he is unnecessary, even though he cannot do much. His big sister needs him, he says. And more importantly, he needs himself. He isn't needed because of some objective—rather, he is needed because of his relationship with others, and because he values himself.

That answer is more palatable to us than Ledo's. But, as Ledo points out, it's unclear. And, frankly, I don't like Bevel's answer myself, although it's certainly better than the philosophy running the Galactic Alliance.

When you think about it, Bevel's answer—that people are valuable to each other and themselves in rather intangible ways—is almost as scary as what the Galactic Alliance says. It still pins a person's worth on their usefulness to someone. If no one loves or needs them, and they don't love or need themselves, then they have no reason to live. Their life isn't worth fighting for.

When I see Bevel, I don't just see a wonderful little brother—although he is that. I see a precious human being. Even if his sister died, and even if no longer felt he was necessary, he'd be precious.

I'll ask again: what makes a person valuable? What makes a human life worthwhile?

Contrary to Ledo's belief, a person's abilities don't define his or her value. Contrary to Bevel's beliefs, other people's emotional attachments don't define a human's value. Nor does one's self esteem.

Human beings are inherently valuable because of God.

He created each one of us. We're not mass-produced, either. Our Creator knows every detail of each of us, body and soul (see David's words on this in Psalm 139:13-16).

God created many other things, too—from the biggest star to the tiniest micro-organism, everything originates with him. But only humans are made in his image. Now, this doesn't mean we're self-portraits. As far as I know, God doesn't walk around shape-shifting into people with brown or blue eyes, frizzy or tame hair, or inny or outy belly buttons. God gave each of us far more than just his looks. "In his image" isn't just about the visuals; we have a bit of who God is in each of us. We reflect God's personality (when sin doesn't get in the way and muck things up). Don't misunderstand: we're not all part of God. He's a separate being. But he made us a little like himself. That's an incredible honor—and part of why every person is so precious.

Of course, we're still not God. Compared to him, we're utterly useless. Relatively speaking, none of us have any power, we're always encountering pain, and our lives are extremely short. That doesn't matter. God still cares for each of us. Our lives are valuable to him, and he wants us to get to know him and love him. He gives us value in relation to others, too. We have opportunities to bless others, even when we don't see what we're doing.

It doesn't matter if we're healthy and can work. It doesn't matter if we're old or young, or how long we have left to live. Some of us can climb mountains, and others can't even get to the bathroom. All of us have value to God, and he has given us value for others.

Unfortunately, not everyone sees this. Not everyone takes the time to sit with people like Bevel, to listen to their wisdom, or to simply enjoy the presence of another wonderfully created being. Ledo's Galactic Alliance isn't as far from reality as we'd like to think. Already, we judge people's worth based on a synthesized "quality of life" we think they are capable of having. Already, those with disorders like Down's Syndrome are deemed less worthy of birth and loving care. A culture is developing where life is not always worth fighting for… if I had time, I'd dive into more examples.

For now, I'll just state that we need to see the inherent value in each human life, to come together, much like Amy, Bevel, and others in their fleet do. We can't just create our own criteria for what makes life worth supporting.

Gargantia makes statements about humanity and the value of "unproductive" things like beauty and kindness. Ledo learns more about the identity and value of people, and it's downright heartwarming at times. This anime shows that people are precious, and I applaud the creators for that. But they couldn't explain why every individual human is important. And how could they? It's rather difficult to grasp the full value of created beings without talking about their Creator.

Gon's Dark Version of Redemption

I watched episode 131 of Hunter x Hunter. Then I turned the lights off and watched it again. Everything about this episode, from visuals to music to script, was crafted for the optimum emotional punch, to both characters and audience. As I started writing this blog post and sorting through screenshots, I found even more details and connections I'd missed. Finally, near the end, I reached the heart of the matter: Gon's need for redemption.

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Spoilers obviously lie ahead, once I find the words to express why this episode affected me—and other fans—so much.

For several months, we've watched Gon transform into a much darker version of himself. In this episode, the transformation becomes even more tagible.

Near the beginning, I get excited because Killua is ready for action. I forget that Hunter x Hunter won't let me have fun watching battles right now. Lives—souls, even—are on the line. I don't get to squeal and clap and grin, cheering on my favorite characters.

Instead, my forehead wrinkles and my eyes widen. I gasp, and I alternate between covering my mouth and letting it hang open.

Gon at the beginning of ep 131, after Pitou tells him Kite is dead.
His eyes show his mind's inability to process data, even while the
tears flow.

Gon, I murmur, watching as he slowly absorbs the reality of Kite's death and Pitou's intentions. Please, Kiddo.

The visuals in this show impress me almost constantly, largely because of the facial expressions. Look at the screenshot above. His face is well-lit, untouched by hatred—for the moment, he can't even process anger. He is vulnerable, childlike, as his blank eyes overflow with tears.

There is no music as Pitou heals her arm, preparing for battle. The absence of extra sound reinforces Gon's blank state.

Then, change. Darkness, wind, and aura gather, and audio effects gather with them. The wind snuffs out candles, and a supernatural feeling grows. The first time I watch, I wonder if I should turn my bedroom lights off, to match what I'm seeing. The second time I watch, the lights are already off, enhancing the already-strong visuals that follow.

"I don't care if this is the end," Gon says quietly. "So I'll use
everything."

I write down Gon's haunting words. If the last few dozen episodes didn't build up to this so well, I wouldn't be able to believe it. As it is, his intense emotions make me think. For some reason, I never felt very attached to Kite, and I remember his death a lot better than his life. Perhaps I should re-watch some older episodes, because I have a hard time empathizing with Gon.

Still, my emotions are not completely detached. No other anime has worried me so much by giving power to the main character.

Gon mid-transformation is scary. Reminds me of a partially-manifested
Nine Tails from Naruto. The comparison to that fox demon seems
especially apt in this scenario.

I'm not the only one worried. Pitou watches, terrified. As she sensed would happen, "His power is now equal to that of the King!"

Her words surprise me. The King's nearly divine qualities convinced me that none of the main characters could touch him—at least, not for another hundred episodes. These young'uns aren't strong enough, and the adult with the most promise died.

I wasn't completely wrong in my summation of Gon's strength—he just grew in an unnatural way. Pitou says his sudden power should come from many years of training, and his transformed body matches her words. He suddenly looks much, much older. He already had more muscles than most 12- to 13-year-olds, but now his muscles are ridiculous, he's as tall as an adult, and he has as much hair as Rapunzel.

I'm not sure I like this transformation as part of the overall presentation, and I definitely don't like what it means for Gon. But neither Gon nor Togashi Yoshihiro (the original mangaka) care how I feel about this, so I'm forced to set aside any discontent and focus on what comes next.

Thankfully, Pitou's not so scared that she can't think. We're privy to her thoughts as she processes what's happening, and her thoughts reinforce my ever-present concern for Gon: "This power could only be achieved through the sacrifice of his own life energy. He is prepared to never us Nen again. That was the resolve required to perform this feat."

It's surreal to hear Gon say, "First comes rock" in this form.
Also, I think this frame is beautiful. The light is wonderfully
done, especially as it reflects from the leaves.

Pitou is glad that she, not the King, is Gon's target. I, on the other hand, wish he would stop. Hatred is a terrible reason to battle, and there is nothing noble about sacrificing one's self solely for vengeance. A few months ago, I looked forward to seeing Gon power up and fight Pitou. Now that I've seen the reality, I wish he'd never met her. There is nothing satisfying about her death, not for me. He continues punching her after she's down . . . I don't think I've seen him that murderous before.

Killua finally arrives, but he's too late. He can't protect Gon from himself, although he tries. Killua can hardly even recognize him at first.

In the next segment, the graphics are stripped down to black, white, and, contrasted against it, red blood. It reminds me of Kurapika's confrontation with the Spiders in episode 47. Very similar visual effects were used for his moment of vengeance. It presents a stark picture, stripped of beauty and glory. There's a disconnect between the characters' psychological states and the horror of the gore around them. This is even more true now, with Gon, than it was with Kurapika.

In this episode, the nearly monochrome part starts after Gon kills Pitou. He stands there, covered in Chimera Ant blood and staring at his hands. Tears trickle from his eyes. He's still thinking of his dead friend, and his mind can't yet consider the full implications of what he's done.

Gon doesn't notice when Pitou's body moves. Even I don't fully register what happens, partially because I'm so sucked into the psychological conflict. Only Killua sees, and he bolts forward.

An arm flies. At first, I think it's Pitou's. Then I hear Gon's whisper to Killua: "It's okay. It doesn't hurt. I'm not trying to be tough. I'm kind of happy. I finally get to be the same as Kite was back then." He's referring to how Pitou took Kite's arm (ep 85).

As all this is happening, a quiet, melancholy, piano variation
of the ending theme plays in the background, adding even
more dimension.

Killua's expression is heartbreaking. "Gon," he says softly.

"I feel like I've been redeemed some."

At this moment, I realize that Gon's thinking is even more twisted than I thought. We glimpsed some of this in last week's episode, as he alternately blamed the Chimera Ant and himself. Pitou isn't the only target of Gon's vengeful anger, and he isn't just sacrificing himself; there's an element of self-punishment to this, too. That's why he's willing to kill Pitou at the expense of his own life.

When he loses his arm, like Kite did protecting them, Gon believes he's partially paid the price for his part in Kite's death. That's what "redeem" means: to compensate or to buy. I'm trusting that the translators picked the right word here, since I can only work with the English.

If his arm "redeems" him a little, than what will redeem him completely? Only one payment comes to my mind, and I'm sure it's in Gon's mind as well: he owes his life, and he's willing to pay it through death. Even if he only loses all Nen ability, he considers it part of the payment he owes.

He's not thinking of the future, of the people he can help and the good he can do. He's stuck in his tragedy. And he places his hopes for redemption in death, starting with Pitou. But there is no hope or redemption in death.

I expect to see Gon and Killua alive in the next episode, and for many episodes to come. But the physical and psychological damage will be severe, and it will be interesting to see how Gon heals. (And he'd better heal. I don't care if it takes a hundred episodes, and I understand that he'll never be the same. But he'd better heal.)

As his Nen manifests, Gon looks back at Killua one last time, then
delivers the final, explosive blow to Pitou and her death-transcending
Nen ability. Click to enlarge. There are tears in his eyes.

I don't know how to help Gon, although I suspect friendship will have a lot to do with it. If he were real, and not just an anime character, I'd know what to hope.

In real life, I know the way to redemption. Jesus' blood paid the price for all our sins. It's a price that none of us could afford. His sacrifice redeemed me—and all of us—from sin and death. But that was only part of his plan.

Jesus came back to life, giving us hope. Without the Resurrection, his death would mean nothing. He didn't just save us from death. He saved us to life. That's why I have such a hard time watching anyone—real or fictional—look to death and enslavement for redemption.

I realize that, as a secular anime character, Gon has no access to the hope I've found. If he's to be saved, it will be by a substitute hope, provided by his mangaka. Still, I want to tell him, "Wake up! This is not what Kite saved you for! If you want to be like him, to honor him, then give him your life, not your death. Your arm will do more good attached to your body than driven through that ant's chest. Don't follow your hero to the grave. You can't earn your own redemption, Gon, and you definitely can't earn it like this. I wish you lived in reality, where my hero could become your hero, and you could follow him to life!"

Gon can't earn his own redemption anymore than I can. When he tries to earn it by making himself powerful in an unnatural, life-draining way, he gets no closer to real hope.

I gave up trying to earn my own way long ago. It's as much my fault as anyone else's that Jesus was crucified. Human nature is sinful, has been since the Fall, and I was too weak to resist actively sinning each day, too weak to rescue myself. That's why Jesus died: Only he could make things right between us and God. How am I supposed to react? Am I supposed to feel so guilty, I surrender myself to death? No! That would be ludicrous. I'm supposed to accept God's gift of redemption thankfully and surrender myself to life—true, abundant life following my Lord.

Since Gon, being fictional, can't embrace the freedom Jesus offers, I'll settle for whatever substitute Togashi comes up with. But will Gon be open to it? He has a dark, twisted view of redemption, tangled with vengeance and anger. He needs to understand that his line of thinking is fruitless, and he must soften his heart, let others help him. I think that will happen someday.

And so I wait, hopefully, eagerly, for the day he smiles again.

Don't be Passionate

Sometimes, I forget that it's uncool to be a geek, nerd, or otaku. It might be okay to watch a Miyazaki film or two, but don't become too absorbed. Or if you do, don't let anyone in the "real world" see it.

Sometimes, I forget that you're not supposed to love God so much, you can't keep it to yourself. You can do your Jesus thing at church or home, but don't tell people about it.

Sometimes, I forget that passion is scorned. "Love as you want," says the world, "but stay cool. Don't let me see any prolonged excitement from you."

There are exceptions to this rule, of course. For example, it's culturally acceptable to become borderline manic about a group of men wearing jerseys and throwing an oblong ball on Sundays.

But a lot of things aren't okay to be passionate about. Why?

Maybe it's because passion requires a response, and people don't know how to respond. Or they don't want to know. Or they know the right response, and they don't like it. It makes them uncomfortable.

Maybe it's because passion makes you vulnerable. You're putting your heart into something, and if it goes wrong, you'll be hurt. It's easier to close yourself to passion, to stand against excitement.

Maybe it's because passion has the power to change people, communities, countries, and even the world. Passion can bring the unknown, the new, the different. That's scary.

Don't be passionate, they say.

Don't make me uncomfortable.

Don't make yourself vulnerable, and if you must, then don't ask me to be vulnerable, too.

Passion is dangerous.

But passion is freeing.

We were made to be passionate.

We were made to feel deeply and love fully.

We were made to revel in creation,

to declare God's glory to the nations,

to sing and dance and shout our joy.

We were made by and for Jesus, whose passionate love took him to a painful death on a cross. Jesus, who wept for his dead friend, even though he was about to bring that friend back to life.

But don't be passionate, says the world. Don't be passionate about anime, sci-fi, or friends, and, most importantly, don't be passionate about God. Passion is for heroes and TV celebrities and maybe missionaries, but not for you.

Be a little quieter, they say.

I say, look to the geeks. Look to the otaku, the nerds, the fans constantly saturated in their fandoms. Look especially to those unafraid to tell the world about what they love. See their passion? They've tasted the wonders of enjoying something without reserve.

I say, look to the martyrs. Look to the men, women, and even children who are beaten and killed for their passionate faith in places like Nepal, Turkey, Senegal, and Somolia. They face painful persecution for sharing their beliefs, but they share it anyway. They know that, in Jesus, they can find more joy and life than found in anything else.

I say, be passionate. Live abundantly. Feel deeply. Love fully. Be who you were made to be.

Yes, do.

Be passionate.

Hunter x Hunter and Moral Sides

[Spoilers through episode 127. I wrote most of this before I watched the latest ep, which I may write about in the next couple days]
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Hunter x Hunter has blown me away with its recent episodes. The character development is masterfully done. Gon, the kind, merciful twelve-year-old kid from episode 1, has all but vanished. The light in his eyes is gone, replaced by, well... this:

On a more technical note, the animation has impressed me lately,
especially with how they portray Gon. I have a lot of screenshots
of him, since they've combined facial expressions, shadowing, and
angles in effective, heart-wrenching ways.

The screenshot above is from episode 116, in which we begin to see the ruthlessness, the anger, and the thirst for revenge that consume Gon. In this episode and more recent ones, I've searched his eyes for some sign that he's just pretending to be coldhearted. But his eyes are hard, his face shadowed by darkness. 

He's willing to hold Komugi, a sweet injured blind girl, hostage. And he seems pretty willing to actually follow through and hurt her. Again, I want to believe this is some cover tactic. But Gon's not that experienced with deception. I don't think he can act that well.

Right now, Gon is acting a whole lot like a bad guy. Look, I know he's been through a lot. I know he's upset about Kite. But that's no excuse. Actually, he could probably use a nice little talk about the drawbacks of revenge and hate from Naruto right now. Unfortunately, Naruto lives in a completely separate world (although I think his show could spare him right now, given his recently limited screen time).

Meanwhile, we've got Pitou, a Chimera Ant and known killer, protecting Komugi with her life... she is a bad guy, right? Maybe I need to go back and watch some of what she did to Kite, to help me regain perspective. Supposedly, she only cares about Komugi because the King cares for the girl. But right now, I'm starting to wonder about that.

The last dozen or more episodes begin to blur the moral lines between protagonists and antagonists. It's normal for anime bad guys to soften and become good guys. But Hunter x Hunter goes further than usual, forcing the audience to reconsider how they measure good and bad. It certainly can't be by race or stage of evolution (yes, Hunter x Hunter includes Darwinian evolution as an accepted part of the world, but that's for another post). A few chimera ants converted to the good side many episodes ago: Colt, Meleoron, Ikalgo. The King and Pitou are both becoming more sympathetic. More importantly, at the end of 126, the narrator suggests that Netero questions the real difference between Chimera Ants and Humans.

Netero - that's another example. Yes, we all love the ancient martial artist. But let's face it: he's ruthless. He won't consider sparing the King's life, and it's not just because the King is too dangerous. Rather, he has a job to complete, whether or not he completely agrees with it. He nearly kills the King without telling him his name, which he's longed to know. And, in the end, he uses a bomb implanted in him to kill the King and himself in one big explosion. Sure, he's awesome and heroic and all, but... perhaps such an action shows he is not as different from the Chimera Ants as we'd like to think.

Look at the royal guard: Yes, their moral compasses are warped. So far, they are completely devoted to what they perceive as the King's needs. There is no higher moral standard in their lives. Yet Youpi showed some respect and mercy with Knuckle. Pitou, as I already said, is almost emotionally invested in Komugi. And all three - Youpi, Pitou, and Pouf - are dedicated to their King emotionally and dutifully. Youpi and Pouf's response to the King's death is almost heartbreaking, especially knowing what we do about the King's softening heart. I dread their vengeance, for they look ready to fully embrace their demonic selves. Pitou's response still hangs in the balance.

Youpi, the big one, holds his king's remains, as Pouf's frantic
clones rush toward him. One of many heart-tugging, beautifully
animated scenes in episode 127.

Some of this is just good character development. But I think Hunter x Hunter is calling us to consider the distinctions between good and evil more deeply. How do you characterize good? By intentions? Being on the side you support? Emotions? Palatability? Is there a higher moral standard? Or is it all relative, based on the choices of individuals, groups, or cultures? Do the ends ever justify the means?

I don't know exactly what answers Hunter x Hunter will arrive at. It would appear, at least, that it's frowned upon to forget mercy entirely and resort to murder quickly.

Many of us, both in America and cultures across the world, live in a philosophically postmodern world. Moral boundaries are ambiguous, based on what's "right" for each individual or society. As a Christian, I try to stay alert to the postmodern messages around me. I believe that there is a higher moral standard, set by God. Sure, the morals are occasionally applied differently for different people and cultures. Because of that, I do agree that there are "grey areas," with room for interpretation. But I also believe that, the more a person studies the Bible and seeks godly understanding, the less grey situations will be. God is a God of justice, but also of mercy and love. Most people instinctively value each of those qualities. And, despite the corruption from our sin nature (the ultimate genetic disease), most people display at least some degree of justice, mercy, and love. So it makes sense that bad guys would be capable of showing some love, even if it's twisted love, as Pouf shows for the King (and becomes even more apparent in episode 128).

While villains are naturally able to show some good traits (in reality, this is because all humans are created in the image of God), ultimately, there are two sides: God's side and everyone else. Those who put their faith in Jesus as their savior and follow God will live eternally. They're on the winning team. Everyone else, like Satan, is living on borrowed time. There is a difference between the two.

We who follow God should strive, with His help, to obey Him. This includes cultivating some of the same traits He has, very similar to the ones a younger, more innocent Gon displayed: a strong sense of justice, value for life, love, and mercy. Like the [emotionally healthy] shounen hero, we should try to win over those who pit themselves against us and our Lord. So, yes, all you non-Christians who read this blog, be aware: I'm trying to win you over. I'm not as diligent as I ought to be, and, all too often, I write a too much for my own glory, rather than for God's. But I really want you to come on over to God's side of the line. Come to the bright side. We have cookies... sometimes. Actually, there can be a lot of hardship associated with this side. But, like most shounen protagonists, we also have the ultimate victory, so I recommend it.

I take interest in fights between good and evil, whether the conflict is internal or external, and Hunter x Hunter has both. I don't expect this anime's representation of moral conflict to be completely accurate (that would require acknowledgement of the Lord God). But I do hope that the "good guys," including Gon and Killua, will distinguish themselves by acting in mercy and love. I hope to see Gon redeemed from the hate that consumes his heart, and fully restored to the more recognizable "good guy" character. And I really hope that many of the current "bad guys" will join him. 

Is it Okay to use Anime as an Escape?

Last semester, I read through Faith and Pop Culture, a short Bible study put together by Christianity Today. It contains eight articles about engaging pop culture as Christians. It doesn't cover anime, of course, since it targets a broader audience, but the authors' opinions about watching film and TV line up with a lot of my opinions about watching anime. I often read with a grin on my face as I wrote "Yes!" and drew stars next to good points.

This semester, I've begun reading Hollywood Worldviews by Brian Godawa. So far, I've only read the preface through the first chapter. I agree with a lot of things he says. Still, Godawa makes some big claims, so I think over his points before I nod my head.

Both of these books, as well as one of my favorite professors, encourage Christians to be discerning while they watch movies and TV. They don't say we shouldn't watch anything with "bad" stuff in it - far from it! But they encourage us to avoid "cultural gluttony," as Brian Godawa calls it. Basically, don't consume loads of movies and other pop culture without thinking.

Okay, I think. That's sounds good. But what do I do when I need a break from thinking? Sometimes, it feels like my mind is trapped on a treadmill without a "stop" button. In those cases, I can't sleep, thinking practically hurts, and I just want passive entertainment to help my mind keep from overheating. Are you saying that's not okay?

So far, these authors haven't given me a good answer.

For the most part, though, I agree with them. Just from personal experience, I can think of four reasons to keep my mind engaged while watching anime:

1. What I watch influences me.
It might take months of repetition, but eventually, sexual "humor" will make it hard for me to look at ordinary objects and activities with the purity I once did. Words I don't want in my daily vocabulary will seep into my mind. Activities God calls sin won't seem as bad, and the human need for redemption won't seem so urgent. My mind must be alert, so I can process things rather than let them influence me negatively.

2. Each anime has an important story to tell, if I'm willing to listen. 
Even the most banal harem anime tells about human nature, our needs, and our desires. That doesn't mean such shows are worth my time, but if I decide to watch them anyway, I reflect on how they may appeal to some viewers. Other anime clearly present stories and questions that are worth thinking on. Clannad After Story shows me a precious perspective on love and family. Attack on Titan follows characters in a world full of violence, and I can choose to just enjoy the action... or I can take the opportunity to ask the same ethical questions some of the characters begin to ask: it it okay to become a monster (not like Eren does, but like some of the commanding officers do) in order to defeat the monsters?

Clannad and Clannad After Story told a tale that is worth
watching, that's for sure! I plan to feature it in this week's Rewind,
so more on this gem then.

3. I need to pay attention to content, so I know what I'm talking about. 
I blog and talk about anime and Christianity. I want to be truthful and thoughtful, especially if I reference my faith at all. Even if I'm not directly talking about God, I'm talking about art - anime - created by His creation. In turn, that anime reflects perspectives on the world, on human fallacy, on brokenness and redemption. So I need to be thoughtful. How this looks differs with each post, but it always requires some level of awareness of my topic. Ignorance due to turning my brain off is not a good excuse for deficiency in a blog post. Even lack of time doesn't give me license for carelessness (a fact, I admit, that I've forgotten on occasion, including in a few "Rewind" posts in the last six months).

4. God is with me, and He knows exactly what I'm watching and what goes through my mind. 
I don't believe that He's offended when I watch sinful actions - lying, stealing, even murder or rape. For one thing, if I'm paying attention when I read the Bible, God's Word, I'll find scenes of rape, incest, and murder (Brian Godawa reminds me of this in the first chapter of Hollywood Worldviews). There's solid context, of course, but the Bible would need a lot of fade-outs if it were to stay PG-13 in a TV series.

It's not new to God. He sees sin all the time, and it does offend Him, to put it mildly. But Jesus didn't come to save perfect people. His ministry was to people who messed up badly, so when Jesus, God-as-man-and-savior, walked on earth, He hung out with harlots and tax collectors (who were apparently grouped in with "sinners" even more than corrupt IRS officers). He knew, loved, and ministered to these people. I, as His follower, am to do the same, with the knowledge that I am one of them, and would meet the same doom if it weren't for Jesus. That said, when I start looking at evil as good, or my thoughts become corrupted, or I'm ignoring what God says about the actions on the screen, He knows. If I begin to objectify men, He knows. When I sin with my thoughts, He knows, and that sin offends Him. He doesn't love me less because of it, but that doesn't mean it's okay. Thus, I want to be aware of what I'm watching and how I'm processing it, lest my negligence opens my mind's door to evil. If I do find sin in my mind, I pray that I notice it, confront it, and apologize for it, because it's happening right in front of God. Not apologizing for something like that is plain disrespectful.

There are more reasons to be mindful about watching anime. I'm sure a few of them are sitting in the back of my mind, and I'll eventually remember them. But that doesn't mean every viewing session must turn into an academic study. And not every blog post needs to come with a devotional. I believe God delights in laughter and lightheartedness as much as deep contemplation. I believe God takes pleasure in beautiful things, including beautiful animation, and that I should take pleasure in the same things He does.

I believe it's okay to play and relax. Genesis says that on the seventh day, after God had created everything and called it good, He rested. He obviously didn't need to rest. God wasn't worn out. But He rested anyway. This leads me to think of the Sabbath, which the Israelites were to observe each week in a day of rest. I wonder how many merchants and farmers avoided burning themselves out simply by obeying the Sabbath day law. Similarly, every seven years, there was a "Sabbath of solemn rest for the land" a year in which they gave the land a break from reaping and sowing (Leviticus 25:4). Based on my extremely limited knowledge of farming, I can tell you that this helped with future harvests. Something about nutrients in the soil, or along those lines. When you constantly use all your resources - whether it's your mind, body, land, or time, effectiveness is lost. Rest is important. It's not just a necessity for an imperfect world, either. God, who is perfect, rested. Based on what I see in Genesis 2, I think it's safe to say that rest was part of His design for us before the Fall and introduction of human sin to the world.

Okay, so I don't need to constantly ponder big theological or academic topics. I can rest my weary mind. But can I rest it while watching anime? Can I use anime as my escape from the hamster wheel of serious thinking?

I would say yes, but with conditions:

1. I must not let my guard down unless it's safe. 
I wouldn't stop my car in a shady neighborhood to take a nap, even during the day. No matter how exhausted I was or how far away I was from my destination, I'd find a better place. At the very least, I'd  drive to a well-frequented park or store before I leaned back my seat and closed my eyes. Similarly, when I want to let my defenses down and rest, I shouldn't marathon a questionable anime. I wouldn't be able to relax all the way, anyway.

2. Before I escape into anime, I need to identify what I'm escaping from.
If I just need a break from thinking, then fine. Anime can force my mind out of a rut. I don't know the science of it, but it must use and stimulate my brain in different areas in different ways, so when I'm ready to go back to my thinking spot, I'm refreshed and ready for more pondering.

If, however, I'm trying to get rid of anxiety, escape is not the answer. It didn't work when I was sixteen, and it still doesn't work. Anxiety must be confronted. For me, journaling and praying work best. Besides, I promised God that I'd do the smart thing and get out my journal when I'm feeling anxious. It's bad enough to break my word to a parent or friend, but to God? Uh... if I do that, then I definitely have a respect issue to confess.

3. I must not use "rest" as an excuse to habitually binge on anime.
There's a difference between lazy indulgence and rest. If anime time is infringing on my productivity and even my sleep, then I'm not practicing a good type of rest. Too much binging muddles my mind.

4. I must know my limits.
Slowly but surely, I'm developing a kind of mindfulness that runs in the background. It's like anti-virus software, always there, usually invisible, and the more I develop it, the less energy it requires. It sorts through all input, and it's becoming increasingly effective, so fewer bugs get through. Every now and then, a warning will pop up, calling me to focus my mind. I glance at the warning, deal with it, then go on my way. Most of the time, I can make a small adjustment in how I see the show and continue watching. Sometimes, I have to bring my mind in full anti-virus mode. I'm better at all of this than I was a few years ago, but there are some shows that won't go through my filter so neatly. Maybe in as little as a year, I'll be able to handle them, if they're still worth my time. But for now, I'm not strong enough. I can't watch such anime when I want to escape, and it's possible that I just don't need to watch it, period.

I plan to continue chewing on this subject. I'm healthier in my anime habits than I used to be, but I still have a ways to go. For my mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical health, I need to be mindful of how I consume anime - and all other media, for that matter. Brian Godawa and others have great insights, but those insights aren't tailored to me.

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I found an excerpt of Godawa's book online, under the title "Cultural Anorexics and Gluttons." I recommend reading at least this excerpt, especially if you're a Christian. Brian Godawa is a screenwriter, a Christian, and obviously a lover of film. He's put some thought into this.

Rewind: The Wallflower

Last time I wrote about The Wallflower, almost three years ago, it resulted in a reflective post. I've had a few years to reflect on the same topics and add to my thoughts. Those years show in this post, so it's a little more in depth than past "Rewind" posts.

It’s been a while since I watched or read The Wallflower (Yamato Nadeshiko Shichi Henge). But I’ve thought about it now and then, attempted to watch the dubbed version, and reread my old post on the series. It’s easy to remember the premise, and easier still to remember the appeal of it. I identified with the main character, Sunako. I wanted friends to reach out to me like the boys in The Wallflower reached out to her. I wanted to be special to a group of people, and perhaps especially special to a single young man, like Sunako was. I enjoyed the light romance, and the characters’ more charming moments made me giggle. The Wallflower gave me - and millions of other girls - a way to live a fantasy. Yes, it was unrealistic. Still, it addressed real needs: the need for acceptance, companionship, love, to be pursued. In its own way, The Wallflower addressed our need for salvation from ourselves and the darkness that encompasses us.

Sunako is a high school girl who loves horror. She spends her days hiding in her dark room, watching horror movies. When she must leave the safety of her room, she hides behind her long hair. She does not put care into her appearance. Her clothes are frumpy, and her skin could benefit from basic care. She carries the pain of rejection with her; two years ago, the boy she liked called her ugly. Even before that, she wasn’t exactly a social butterfly. Now, it’s yet another reason to stay in the shadows.

Her rich, traveling aunt wants to change her. She sends Sunako to live in her mansion with four stunningly handsome boys. In exchange for free rent, they are instructed to transform her into a beautiful lady. They don’t have much to work with. Sunako is not a willing subject, and if she looks directly at her housemates, she gets a nose bleed, as she does around all such “beautiful creatures.” She would prefer to stay in darkness with her horror movies and skulls. These habits have shaped her demeanor, so she actually scares the guys. Like her aunt, they'd much rather change her into something more "ladylike" than accept her for who she is, horror movies and all.

The young men, also students at her high school, are determined. At first, they try to draw her out of darkness because they want free rent. This turns into genuine care. They don’t all compete for her love. Unlike characters in certain recent reverse harem anime, these boys have somewhat varied tastes in women (and some sense of respect). But they become her friends and defenders. One of them becomes the key love interest.

One of the "ridiculous things" I'm referring
to. This particular adventure is in ep 3.

It’s a gradual process, and many ridiculous things happen along the way. I used anime and manga to escape reality much like Sunako used horror, so I enjoyed the unrealistic scenarios and the laughs they produced. This brand of shoujo romantic comedy held particular appeal at the time - by the end of 2010, I’d also watched Skip Beat, Fruits Basket, Kare Kano, Itazura na Kiss, and similar shows. They transported me to a different reality, a place where unlikely love bloomed between unlikely people in even more unlikely situations. I considered myself an extremely unlikely candidate for anything close to romance. I craved the kind of excitement and attention shoujo heroines experienced. I liked anime where the girl was stuck living with the guys, because she automatically got their notice and companionship. I escaped into the anime and lived through the characters, because by the end of 2010, my anxiety and depression were starting to suffocate me again. I wanted someone to notice, to save me from the downward spiral, to draw me into the light even if I resisted.

Of course, I’m not a shoujo heroine, so only my family, psychiatrist, and God seemed to realize my situation. Faced with that reality, I settled for watching Kyohei draw near to Sunako. I knew that wasn’t sufficient for me. Here’s an excerpt of what I posted on February 4, 2011:

“Why then do I forget Him? I read manga, watch anime, and dream of young gentlemen to fill a prince-shaped hole. Yet Jesus already came to fill that hole, and I already accepted Him for the divine Prince He is. Do I, deep down, not truly believe that He is enough? Does some part of me think I need to prove myself worthy of His love? Jesus’ radiance outshines that of any manga or anime character. I don’t get a bloody nose when I realize His presence, but I do get overwhelmed. He is far more than a hundred times as great as Kyohei, Tankenaga, or any other character in The Wallflower. In comparison, I feel like Sunako in her most diminutive form. Part of me wants to hide in my room, turn off the lights, and escape into an anime the way Sunako does with her horror movies. But the other part of me wants to venture into that brilliant light, brave my “bloody nose,” and find out more about the dazzling Prince who gave up everything for me, who pursues a relationship with scattered little me.”

I felt helpless at that point. I knew the truth of what I wrote - Jesus was sufficient. He loved me. I held onto those facts and tried not to let escape define every moment of my free time, tried not to ignore Him, tried to rely on Him. But it would be two more months before I reached my turning point, and several more months before the heavy-heartedness was gone.

I am grateful for my time in darkness. I’m glad it wasn’t worse, but I’m also glad it wasn’t easier. My obsessive attempts to use anime as an escape, my attempts to hide those wasted hours and late nights from my parents and those who I thought lived in light, my attempts to sort out my feelings and live more organized, more productive, more like the other, “healthy” kids - these showed me my helplessness, my brokenness, my weakness, my sinfulness.

By the time I graduated from high school, by the time I took a year off to heal, I was a little mroe humble. My relationship with Jesus had weathered the storms of teenage-hood, thanks to His faithfulness. I grasped Him desperately with my eyes squeezed shut, and He held me securely in His arms. And I came out of it with a better idea of how much I needed salvation, not just from eternal punishment, but from the weight of sin and brokenness everyday.

Sunako and the boys. I think we see their
comedic/diminuitive expressions more
often than their normal facial features.

I love watching anime characters pursue each other. In The Wallflower, Kyouhei and the others pursue Sunako, showing her that the light isn’t so bad. And when the shoe’s on the other foot, when Kyouhei is kidnapped or runs away, Sunako pursues him. I’ve discovered something pretty cool about reality, though: Jesus didn’t stop pursuing me when I became a Christian. He didn’t say, “okay, my work here is done. Time to pursue the next lost sheep.” When I stray, He comes and pulls me back to Him. I’ve learned, and continue to learn, to trust His passionate, pursuing love. I trust Him with my imperfections, trust Him to know those imperfections better than I do and still love me more than I can imagine. So I try not to hide from His light when I’m faced with my brokenness. He sees it anyway, and He’s able to heal me, to work with me, to use that brokenness for something beautiful. I’ve seen some of that already. He has filled every need that I felt addressed in The Wallflower, and He does so in a way that no one else can - not in real life, and certainly not in a fictional animated story. 

Now, I’m going to stop writing. “Rewind” posts are supposed to be short bits about shows I barely remember. Well, this post is about The Wallflower, but it’s also about things that have been on my mind in the three years since I first watched it. I could go on (in fact, I have), but I’ll save it for another post.