A Soul too Big to Comprehend

After reading two positive reviews of Soul Eater, I decided to give the show a solid try. It took a few episodes for me to get into it, but once I did, I started to make connections between the show and real life. One connection involved Lord Death and God, as ironic as that sounds, and other involved the temptation to break rules. The first thirteen episodes of this wacky-looking show managed to evoke surprisingly deep thinking.

Still, if it hadn’t come so highly recommended, I probably wouldn’t have made it past the first few episodes. There were too many things to adjust to. For example:

1. The scenery: The creepiest moon and sun I’ve ever seen, a school that looks more like a weird birthday cake, and too many jack-o-lanterns.
2. The names: Lord Death, Soul Eater, Black Star, Death the Kid... mixed with just a few normal sounding ones like Maka and Tsubaki.
3. The blasphemous Black Star. That kid... sheesh. I’d heard he was annoying and over confident, but the blue-haired meister is delusional. He thinks he’s bigger than God. I cringe every time he says that. If this show’s premise were different, I’d expect lightning to strike him. As it is, I kind of hope that does happen. He deserves it... No, wait! If he survives the lightning strike, he’ll get worse! He’ll yell things like, “I’m the man who beat lightning! I have surpassed Zeus!” Ugh...
4. Lord Death. The top gun in this anime is a character named Death. He doesn’t seem to be based on Greek or Roman myths I know, such as Hades, nor on Satan. He’s just a shinigami headmaster with Scythes. In fact, he seems like a pretty nice guy with a giant heart... or rather, a giant soul, big enough for all his students. Literally. I’ve had to adjust to the fact that, name aside, I like this dude.

As usual, I’m drawing comparisons, especially now that I’ve detached Death from the evil connotations that come with his name. For example, in one episode, Maka tries to see Lord Death’s soul. She can see other peoples’ souls - round, transparent things. But she can’t see his, and she shrugs it off, thinking that perhaps he doesn’t have a soul. He’s a shinigami, after all, and not like humans. 

Maka is wrong. The scene zooms out so we can see the school, the city it’s in, and Lord Death’s soul, which encompasses it all. In this show, such an impressive soul indicates impressive power. But I think, in this case, it has a double meaning. Lord Death cares deeply for his students - for everyone, really. He’s set up rules to protect humanity and oversees their wellbeing, even if they can’t always see it.

Maka can’t see Lord Death’s soul. It’s too big for her to comprehend. It reminds me a bit of God’s heart and soul, which is infinitely greater. Yes, I’m comparing God and Lord Death. It sounds weird, but roll with me, okay?

Sometimes, we’re so focused on the moments in our small lives, good and bad, that we miss the big picture. We see the good in the latest superhero movie, and the bad in the burglary down the street. We see the joy in the birth of new life, and the sadness in death. The things we experience are real and notable, but when we see only the moments, we miss the big picture. We don’t see God’s heart, and it’s easy to assume that perhaps He doesn’t have one, or that if He does, it doesn’t touch us. If we’re willing open our perspective to bigger possibilities, we might see that not only does God have a heart, but it’s big enough to hold us all. Each celebration and each heartbreak are cradled in a soul too immense for us to fathom... just as Maka couldn’t fathom Lord Death’s soul in that early episode.

Another comparison came up as I watched the thirteenth episode. Newly escaped immortal, “Free,” aka “The Man with the Demon Eye,” is fighting with Maka, Soul Eater, Black Star, and Tsubaki. He’s not on good terms with the witches (the enemy) or Lord Death. In fact, he seems to have a problem with rules in general, no matter how high of authority they come from. He says of Lord Death’s rules, in place to protect humanity, “Those arrogant rules. I don’t care if he’s a god or not. Where is your guarantee that you’re correct?” 

Free’s wrong, of course, and we know that if our hero, Soul Eater, gives any credence to Free’s words or any similarly tempting jargon, he’ll end up in a heap of trouble. Lord Death’s rules were made for good, and it’s a bad idea to break them. Regardless of Free’s thinking, the guy with the biggest stick (in most stories, that’s a divine being) gets to decide what’s good, what’s evil, and what the rules are. In this case, it’s Lord Death. In the real world, it’s God. No matter what we think about His rules, He’s still God, and there’s not much we can do about it.

Personally, I’ve decided to accept that. I don’t always understand His rules, but I do have faith that His commands and guidelines are set out for my good and the good of those around me. If I have questions about what He’s done or commanded, I write them down. Sometimes, I end up returning to those questions within a few years to write the answer I’ve found. It’s much healthier than taking “Free”’s route and disregarding any rules I find unpleasant to follow. It might sound weird, but I feel more free placing myself under God’s authority than trying to escape it.

Ironically, Free named himself that after the witch Medusa broke him out of prison, but he’s actually being manipulated by her. She gives him a chance to fight back against The Man by fighting Lord Death’s students, and he leaps on it, unaware that he’s already entangled in her web. Just as, when we listen to Satan’s smooth talk, it can temporarily sound like the more freeing choice, but we eventually find we’re trapped in a web of darkness, and we don’t know how to get out.

No. Bad idea. Don't listen, Soul! (ep 13)

Shortly before this episode, Soul began having a dream where a little demon tells him to break the rules in order to become stronger. As long as I’m making comparisons, I may as well bring up Genesis 3 and the Garden of Eden, where Satan told Eve to break the only rule God had given them: don’t eat the fruit on the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. Satan says, basically, “Eat it. It will make you stronger, and God doesn’t want that.” Okay, his lie, to quote the NIV translation, was closer to this: “God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil,” but knowledge is power, so same deal. Either way, it was a load of baloney sandwich, because figuring out that you’re naked and learning how to blame other people for your mistakes doesn’t exactly make you God. If I were reading Genesis 3 for the first time, I’d probably say the same thing I’m saying as I watch Soul Eater for the first time: “Don’t do it. Don’t break the rule. The rule is there for a reason, to protect you. You can get strong without breaking the rules. Please, please, please don’t listen to that demon! You’ll hurt yourself and all of humanity if you break this rule! Don’t fall into the bad guy’s trap!”

And, sure enough, Soul falls for it, just like Eve did in the Garden, and he gets a little more tangled in Medusa’s web. Much like Free did in his attempt to be his own man. Yup. This ain’t gonna turn out well. Thankfully, this is a shounen anime, so it’ll all be okay in the end, no matter how much pain comes before that. Unlike the reality, where... wait. Yeah, that turns out okay, too. There’s a lot of pain, epic battles, bloodbaths, and the whole world’s destroyed and remade, but in the end, it looks like things will be even better than they were before Eve made that dumb choice to eat from the wrong tree. 

It comforting to know that, in the meanwhile, God is still here, and his heart is big enough to hold all our joy, all our pain, and every moment in between. Even if we our perspective isn’t always wide enough to see it.

My Little Monster: Unconditional Love

I slowly watched My Little Monster (aka Tonari no Kaibutsu-kun) over several months. It’s a slow shoujo romance anime, the kind I once avoided. It’s not quite interesting enough for me to marathon the thirteen episodes. In fact, I’m not entirely sure why it kept my attention long enough for me to finish it.

There isn’t much action, adventure, or suspense. I’ve long since expanded my horizons beyond action shows, but I still like them, and I still have trouble sitting through slow plots.

There is humor, but it only makes me smirk a little, at most.

The primary conflict is internal, within the main character, Mizutani Shizuku.

I guess I watched because I wanted to see her find her balance. I wanted her to be both a friend and a good student, to know when to prioritize what. I wanted her to find her identity beyond just being first (or second) in class.

Identity: isn’t that what we’re all searching for? Up to this point, Shizuku has relied on herself for identity, and her place at the top of the class is her affirmation. She is so wrapped up in her schoolwork, she doesn’t have time for anything or anyone else.

Haru in the sixth episode

Then he comes along. Yoshida Haru is wild and free and tops her in class without even trying. But most importantly, he cares for her. Not for her brains or status in school. Not because she’s a challenge. She gives him no reason to pursue her. I believe he loves her simply because he’s chosen to. To him, the only part of her identity that matters is that she is his friend. 

She isn’t a very good friend to him or anyone else. She has very little idea of how to even be a friend. To everyone else at school, she is just a cold, soulless top student. But he doesn’t ask anyone’s opinion. He earnestly, honestly loves her, and that’s all that matters.

Hm... that sounds familiar. In fact, it sounds a lot like what I talked with God about a few times. 

I, like Shizuku, place too much of my identity in school. When I turn in incomplete homework, ask a less than brilliant question, or even learn that I’m not the best student where I think I could be (prideful, I know), I become unsettled. I want my professors and classmates to think well of me. I want to meet my personal standards. And I forget that none of these is important. 

Jesus doesn’t love me for my brain. He likes it - He made it! - but He’s a lot smarter than me, and a much more diligent worker. I can neither impress nor disappoint Him.

He doesn’t love me because I try to be a good friend. He’s a much better friend, and doesn’t hold my failures against me.

He loves me because He chose me. He loves me not for what I see, but for what He sees. He delights in me, not despite or around my flaws, but with my flaws. He doesn’t expect me to heal myself; that’s His job. He just wants me to sit long enough for Him to treat me. He’s sad when I reject Him, but He’s still around. He chose me. 

Haru doesn’t expect Shizuku to change for him. He doesn’t expect her to suddenly become friendly to everyone or stop caring about school. He just wants her to open her heart to him. As she begins to love, she naturally begins to change. She starts to be a friend, to care for other people.

Jesus doesn’t expect me to make myself a perfect or different person. He doesn’t expect me to know what to say, to please everyone, or to be at the top of my class. He doesn’t expect me to know how to converse with friends or professors. He doesn’t even expect me to be wonderful at getting homework done. He chose me. He loves me. He stands by me as I learn. And He tells me those things don’t matter to my identity. They don’t make me me. All that matters is that He chose to love me.

So as I watched My Little Monster, I hoped that Shizuku would come to realize she doesn’t need to have the perfect balance, or to be the best student, or even be the best student she can be. I hoped she would realize that her identity, and even her success in life, isn’t reliant on grades. Haru loves her for who she is, faults and all. All she has to do is accept it and open her heart to the change his love brings.

Gargantia eps 9-10: Things Get Serious

Just finished episode 10 of Gargantia on the Verdurous Planet. Wow. 

[Spoilers ahead]

Earlier today, I reluctantly decided to watch the ninth and tenth episodes, just so I could read Zeroe4’s blog post on the anime without spoilers (which I’ll read after I write this). The episodes leading up to these had been disappointing. I was beginning to wonder if, as wonderful as the world building was, the show would end up with no plot. I was getting bored, and was about ready to give up on it.

But, like I said, wow. Episodes 9 and 10 hit me hard. Things got real serious real fast. Even before we saw the “ancient” news records, I felt sickened by the way Ledo and Chamber were massacring the Hideauze. After we saw them, I was horrified. I found myself speaking to the screen, begging Chamber to stop killing. When he (it?) didn’t, I pushed away my snack. I’d lost my appetite. That “tin can” has too much Artificial Intelligence for my liking. He refused to listen to me or Ledo, and he can actually hear Ledo!

Baby Hideauze, about to be
stepped on by Chamber

And then, in the tenth episode, Pinion’s jerky side showed big time. After Ledo and Chamber killed off the whalesquid and Pinion’s crew salvaged the ancient weaponry, he started acting too big headed. He seemed to think he was invincible, and he wanted to lord it over all the flooded earth. Argh! 

Between Pinion and Chamber’s bullheaded ways, I’m reminded of how I felt when I wrote this post about eps 15 and 16 of Guilty Crown. I’m not feeling nearly as agitated as I did then, but it’s about as close as I’ve gotten in a while. Grr... I have a low tolerance for this particular brand of 2D baka characters.

Pinion, I don't care if they're pirates, or if they
attacked you first. Stop being a jerkface.

Poor Ledo is doing even worse than me. He thought he was killing lower life forms, but he now knows that they are genetically altered human beings. His purpose in life was built on a lie, poor guy. At least he's "had enough of the Alliance's brainwashing," as he says.

It'll be okay... I think. I just don't envy you
when you have to face your friends on the other fleet.

But Ledo doesn’t have time to process everything before the end of the episode. Apparently, the creators decided that there still wasn’t enough pressure building, so they added a twist at the end of the episode: the appearance of another allied mech. 

Oh, snap. I suppose it’s too much to hope that Commander Kugel will agree with a more compassionate look on the Hideauze...? 

Thankfully, I don’t have to wait long before watching the next episode. Though it may be wise to let two or three episodes build up before watching them. Something tells me the suspense will continue to build to an even more uncomfortable level.

Bittersweet Nabari no Ou: Depression and Friendship

Yoite and Miharu

[Warning: Spoilers ahead]

Throughout Nabari no Ou, one fact rings clear to me: Yoite is depressed. I ache for him as he wishes to be erased from the world. He does not consider himself alive or dead. He does not feel wanted or loved. He doesn’t want to die, but he doesn’t want to live either. 

Hattori, chief of the Kairoshu, exploits Yoite’s depression. Instead of encouraging the youth to live, he promises a brand of “disappearance” - death by use of kira. The kid needs help, and not the kind of “help” that drains his life, but Hattori doesn’t care.

Others do care. First Yukimi and his sister, then Miharo, then Gau and Kaito and others. They begin to watch over Yoite and care deeply for him, but he is too deep in his depression to see it until Miharo spells it out for him in the last episode. Only then does he choose to live out the time he has left.

That is what people need when they are depressed. Whether they are suicidal or simply want to wish life away, they need people to care about them, and for that care to be made clear. Repeatedly and honestly. They need people who will be patient and stand by them, who will not give them an excuse to wallow in depression, but a hand to climb out of it, however long it may take. 

I know this from my own struggles. When you’re depressed, your thinking becomes twisted. You don’t see things in perspective. I never considered taking my own life, likely because, unlike Yoite, I had a foundation of love and trust to stand on. But I did wish I didn’t have to live. I wouldn’t have minded simply being erased. That wasn’t an option, so I stumbled along, holding tight to God’s love and to my parents’ hands, to my “Miharu”s, and to the promise that somehow my troubles would be used for good. 

There was good on the other side. It was a slow process to get there, but it was good. I wouldn’t trade any part of my journey, even if I’d be more successful in life without it. Like Yoite says, “It’s because of my past that I am who I am now.” Our pasts make us who we are to ourselves and to those around us. We might be ashamed of our pasts, and the consequences may haunt us, but who would we be without them?

I know that my past struggles with anxiety and depression, struggles that I’m still on the alert for in case they come back, made me more compassionate. I look at the world differently, with more understanding, and my sharp tongue is a little softer than before. Further, if I didn’t encounter the depression cycle in high school, I’d probably encounter it later in life, when I have more responsibilities. Now, I know the signs, and hopefully I can avoid the spiral.

Part of avoiding the depression spiral is to surround myself with the right people. A few years ago, I’d have said that the right people meant no people; I just needed my computer and the lock on my door. But I’ve discovered that, sometimes, friends are just what I need to keep my melancholy mood from becoming something more. They keep me from wishing the world away again, much as Miharu helps Yoite embrace his life.

Yoite is dying because he used kira, and he has blood on his hands because of the kira, too. But he won’t trade it in. Ironically, the very thing that was meant to make him disappear, the thing Hattori would use for his twisted plans, was used to give Yoite friends. Ultimately, the kira technique obtained because of depression brought him out of depression. It was used for good. I applaud the mangaka for that.

And I applaud my Lord, the Mangaka of my life, for the beautiful work He is using my struggles for. I barely see bits and pieces of it, but what I see fills my heart with praise. The pain brought on by sinful, broken flesh is being used for good, just like Romans 8:28 says.

Painful memories are used to create something good; that’s a theme in Nabari no Ou, stated in various ways in the last episode. What is bitter somehow becomes sweet. 

I was drawn to this show first because of the action, then the humor in character interactions. I don’t know how deeply I felt it the first time I watched, over three years ago, but now, it feels like I’m saying goodbye to Yoite for the first time. There was so much bitterness in Yoite’s past - in most of the characters’ pasts, really - yet by the end, it is sweet. Depression becomes peace and joy, even in the sadness of an ending life. 

It is a transition made possible by friendship. The theme can seem overdone when you’ve watched a lot of anime (or shows from any country, really). But as Nabari no Ou demonstrates, the connections between people are serious... serious, and beautiful, and, sometimes, what stands between life and death. 

We were not made to live life alone. Remember that. If you are feeling down, whether or not you think it’s diagnosable depression, or if the feelings that I described resonate within you, find someone to be with or talk to: a friend, relative, counselor - you can even drop me a comment or a tweet. And if you see someone feeling down, say hello. Offer a smile, a hug, or whatever is needed. Ask if you don’t know. Take suicide signs seriously (Google those if in doubt - I’m not an expert on it). 

As Yoite, Miharu, and the rest of the cast of Nabari no Ou illustrate so well, together, we can take the pain and bitterness and make something sweet.

Loud Ninjas and Chimera Ants

Every anime fan becomes accustomed to suspension of disbelief. Once we learn and accept the logic that runs a particular show, we can enjoy it without becoming hung up on little things. If we can’t believe in the logic, we may as well abandon the show for something more realistic... and most of us don’t center our entertainment on 2D Japanese shows because we’re looking for realism. 

Five school idols all fall for a plain, normal girl? Sounds logical.

A kid eats a fruit and becomes the stretchiest pirate around? Sure! Why not?

An orphan boy is allowed to live all by himself from a young age? Makes sense. 

Middle school kids have tennis moves an Olympian would envy? Okay.

Ninja and other fighting pros yell out their moves before doing them? Of course!

The crazy bunny, the penguin, and that other talking creature are Chimera Ants? Alright, if you say so... though they really don’t look at all like ants to me. 

Chimera Ants in episode 82 of Hunter x Hunter

It would be easy to criticize whoever came up with story and character design for expecting us to swallow some of the outlandish things they pull... but like I said, chances are that few, if any, of us came to anime because we wanted reality. It’s escape, a place to be enveloped in fantasy, whether that fantasy is wrapped as unlikely romance or shounen action. If you want reality, feel free to flip on the news. Personally, I’m going to stick with my Chimera Ants.

Mutta and Me: A Second Chance to Dream Big

In Space Brothers, aka Uchuu Kyoudai, Nanba Mutta
dreams of going to the moon and Mars.

My freshman year of high school, I interviewed a well-published author. No, I won’t tell you who she is. We had to write an essay about a career we wanted or something like that, and I chose writing. I researched what it took to write a novel, find an agent, get published, and various other things related to the profession. An interview was required, so I called an author whose books I’d read, a friend of a friend, and asked if we could meet. A lot of emotional energy went into that call. Phone calls petrified me, especially to strangers, and even more so when asking a favor. I actually cried before I managed to write a little script for myself and make the phone call.

After the interview, she gave me her card and offered to read my story and give advice. I didn’t take her up on the offer, of course; I was too shy.

At fourteen years old, I had one novel-length story written, an accomplished author’s contact information on my bulletin board, and family friends with connections in the publishing industry. I’d researched the industry well, and I wanted to become a writer. 

From an outside perspective, it seems like the situation was all lined up for me. All I needed to do was continue to practice, and I’d have a chance. Yet by the end of high school, I’d decided my writing was just a hobby. I decided I wasn’t cut out to write professionally, fiction or nonfiction, and that I wouldn’t be able to earn a living on it anyway. Better to choose a career easier to get into, like teaching. I dismissed professional writing as a childish dream, a phase I went through, and unpractical for me.

Everything was lined up for my dream, but I lacked the diligence and the courage to pursue it. 

Over a year ago, I met someone a lot like me. He doesn’t live in this time, the third dimension, or even reality. He’s older than me, and his interests are different. But I empathize with him in a way almost as big as his dream. His name is Nanba Mutta.


As a child, Mutta decided he wanted to be an astronaut. He and his little brother were captivated by space, and they spent their time researching and dreaming about it for years. His practical, oldest-child self kept him from being as passionate as his little brother, but he still had the dream, and his mind was well-suited for a future astronaut.

Mutta and his brother, Hibito, spent a lot of time at the tourist end of Japan’s space center program, JAXA, touring and listening to lectures until they could give the guide’s speeches themselves. Their passion was noticed and encouraged by the people who worked there, people with connections to the career they dreamed of. Separately, got to know an astronomer named Sharon so well, they called her “aunt.” They visited her and used her observatory. She taught them English, which would be needed if they went to NASA, and various things about space.

The Namba brothers had the support and connections they needed. They had the dream. They even have the developing skills that would push them toward their goal. Everything was lined up for them. Hibito took these opportunities and reached his dream. The older brother didn’t.

Like me, Mutta is a practical oldest sibling. He knew how hard it was to become an astronaut. As he passed through teenagehood, he decided that his dream was unrealistic. He was done getting his hopes up. Better to focus on school and getting a normal job. It hurt, but he stopped actively building his space knowledge and skills. He gave up before he really began.

Everything was lined up for his dream, but Mutta, like me, lacked the courage and confidence to pursue it. 

We’ve given up on our dream jobs, so what do we do? Mutta grew up and went to work at an auto company. His skills were useful there, but his boss wasn’t great and he wasn’t really happy. From the looks of it, he had to force himself to be there, and he clearly wasn’t cut out for office life. Good office workers don’t headbutt their boss, no matter what their boss says about their brother. 

Me? I’m not as far along in life as Mutta is, but I’ve settled for less than my dream. I received just as much praise from others for my bent toward teaching as for my writing. I enjoy helping people reach that “lightbulb” moment, and the problem solving as I find the best way make things click. So I decided to become a math teacher. I tutored my cousins. I registered as a math education major at school. I played up my love for math as an important part of my identity.

But I was pushing myself to fit a role that I didn’t feel good in. I liked math, but that’s because I like critical thinking, which I can use elsewhere, and I didn’t enjoy my homework like I once did. And the idea of being in charge of a classroom of minors from 8:00 a.m. to 3:00 p.m. five days a week stressed me out. Actually, interacting with anyone outside of family that much stressed me out. I thought I’d outgrow this stress, but it became clear that while I was doing better, teaching in a classroom would not be peaceful for me. 

So I decided to explore business. Again, I have some skills that apply. I liked the idea of working with websites, information systems, online marketing, or helping businesses problem solve. But again, I was pushing myself to fit a “practical” mold, one that I didn’t feel called to. I was trying to push aside a dream I decided was ridiculous: being paid to write, research, make connections, and be alone for much of the work week.

I decided I would write as a hobby and serve God through simple interactions with people. I decided that my weaknesses in multitasking and my discomfort with “normal, boring” jobs were things that could be overcome. I decided good stewardship of the money God gave me meant choosing a career path that I perceived to have a better guarantee of return. I didn’t practice writing or problem solving with any level of diligence, though I did finish another novel. I didn’t even read very much for fun; I indulged myself with mind-numbing internet use instead. 

I talked about being a good steward of God’s money, but I pushed aside stewarding the other gifts He gave me. I said it would be lazy to focus on an unrealistic dream instead of challenging my weaknesses in practical fields... and ignored how lazy I was about fostering my ability to write, research, or problem solve. Look back at the last one and a half paragraphs and note how many times “I” was the subject, even when I was talking about God. I decided to choose a path that minimized my dreams because I didn’t have faith to wait for an answer from Him about where I should go. I made excuses to protect myself. I stopped trying to succeed beyond the status quo, because I was afraid of failure. I let my self confidence go... just like Mutta.

I didn’t expect to let myself dream impractically again. Neither did Mutta. But God, or the mangaka as the case may be, has a way of giving opportunities where none are expected.

Mutta studies hard for his second chance at his dream.

After headbutting his boss, Mutta was fired from the auto company and blacklisted. No one would hire him. He no longer fit in the career path he’d forced himself into. He was free to pursue something else. His family, especially his little brother, gave him the push he needed to do so. JAXA was accepting applications from potential astronauts, so his family sent in his application, giving him a second chance. Mutta found himself pursuing his dream, whether or not he had the confidence in himself. The higher-ups saw the same qualities in him that his brother knew would make him a fine astronaut. He’s now at NASA, making his dream a reality.

What about me? As I wrote in my last post, seeds have been planted, especially by one of my professors. I admire teachers and businesspeople, but that’s not who I am. I don’t believe that’s what God made me to be, although I’m willing to listen if He says I heard wrong (no, I don’t mean audibly, as wondrous as that would be). I’ve switched my major to undeclared, and my future beyond the bachelor’s degree is even hazier than that. But I’m beginning to think that my dream of using my thinking and writing, of not working in an office with people five days a week, can be a reality. I want to dedicate my gifts to God and follow Him into an uncharted future. I want to begin that future now.

Like Mutta, I have connections again. When I thought I’d be a business major, I was assigned a second academic advisor, one who, like my history professor, encouraged me to use the passion and talent God has given me. My advisor, whom I only met with once, didn’t discourage me from business, but he clearly doubted that field would fully use who I was, or satisfy me. He suggested I work on my own projects alongside school, and he connected me with a published author who works on campus. He showed me how many people would love to help me pursue writing if I wished.

I’m now about twenty years old. I have three novel length stories done, as rough as they may be, and two more book ideas, one of them non-fiction. I have connections at my school, people who love to help students nurture their talent and achieve their dreams. The contact information for a published author sits in my computer. 

Ep 2 of Space Brothers, after Mutta passes the written test
stage of application to JAXA

I’ve applied for “normal” summer jobs, and even had an interview, but no matter how hard I tried to convince myself I was a good applicant, both I and the employers knew otherwise. I’ve only been hired for odd jobs and for tutoring. I’m free to foster my dream, just as Mutta was when his “normal” job fell through.

So why haven’t I started? Why do I dawdle? Why don’t I jump gratefully to use the time and gifts God has given me? Why do I spend more time indulging in momentary pleasures than striving to glorify Him? Why won’t I act diligently with what I have?

I don’t know. But I’m determined to change, with His help. Everything is in place. I don’t want to wait until I’m Mutta’s age to pursue my dreams. I don’t want to push aside the opportunities my Hibitos and Sharons have presented me. This is my second chance to dream big. I have no excuse not to take it.

Space Brothers: Dreaming Big

Pico and Vince tell Rick that they can't keep their promise to pursue space with him (ep 59)

“It’s too big a dream for us,” Vince and Pico tell their friend Rick. They give up on their dreams of space for the more realistic future of working in the mine. That’s the smart thing to do. It’s what their fathers and teachers want.

We, the viewers, know that the dream isn’t too big for Vince and Pico. We speak through the screen, silently or aloud, telling the characters not to give up; the future is within their grasp. And when Rick dies, we know they’ll decide to follow the dream they shared with him. It’s just a matter of course. This is Space Brothers. According to the logic of the show, any characters we become close to will eventually follow their dreams. And we’ve already seen both Vince and Pico at NASA.

After 59 episodes of watching characters pursue their dreams of space, we may forget how courageous the decision actually is. There’s nothing wrong with working in a mine or any other “attainable” job. Sometimes, the important things a person accomplishes have less to do with their career and more to do with the way they interact with the people around them. But perhaps some of us settle for a path that’s not the best fit for our skills and hopes, because our dream job is just “unrealistic.” We don’t want to risk our time, money, and hope on a future that might not happen. We don’t want our pride to be crushed when we invest ourselves in something with no success for years. Better not to risk it. Better to leave the dreams for the rich, or the geniuses, or the lucky, or the charming... but not us. Not normal old us.

It’s not a matter of lacking courage, we tell ourselves. And perhaps this is true for most of us. We’re just being practical. It’s was just a child’s dream anyway, like wanting to be a pop star or something. 

But what if the dream is more than that?

In anime, they may say it’s destiny. It’s a matter of following your heart and finding yourself. It’s the place of happiness and fulfillment. It’s how you’ll contribute best to the world and yourself.

I’d go a step further. Sometimes, that dream, that place your talents and passion will be used best, is how you’re meant to glorify God.

Seeds have been planted in me this past year. My history professor, along with his partner literature professor, emphasized that we should use the gifts God has given us, even if that path doesn’t lead to a high salary. Denying what God has given us is denying the chance to glorify Him and live more fully.

A speaker in chapel last fall talked about deciding on certain paths in life. I talked to my roommate a bit about it, too. Sometimes, Christians assume that God’s plan for us doesn’t include our favorite skills and activities. A life following Him is never without sacrifice, but that sacrifice varies. Sometimes, the path we want aligns with God’s. He made us with our gifts; wouldn’t it be strange if He didn’t want us to use the very things He gave us? Of course, His plan for their use may differ from ours, and it may not be clear. But perhaps it is still our duty to improve on what He has given us, and to be ready to act when called.

More seeds were planted when my Bible professor asked us to focus on a passage of our choosing throughout spring semester. I chose part of Matthew 6, and I continue to return to the chapter now that summer has begun. Matthew quotes Jesus, who said that heaven is the safest place for our treasure to be... and, we can infer from his words, the safest place for our hearts. A few verses later, Jesus tells his audience, “Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” Let me give you some context for these words: Jesus has just said that when we give to the poor or do some other righteous act, we shouldn’t seek attention for it. He’s warned us about the vulnerability of earthly treasure, and pointed out that we can’t serve both wealth and God. He’s told us not to worry about food or drink or clothes, since God can take care of us just fine. If we seek Him, things will fall in place. Jesus doesn’t claim it will be easy. In fact, in other places, He’s said we’ll have to give up quite a bit. He Himself suffered greatly on the cross and in the days leading up to it. Before that, He gave up His comfy, exalted place in heaven to come be a poor human carpenter’s son for thirty-odd years. But He did it all “for the joy set before Him” (Hebrews 12:2), eyes on the prize, with God’s kingdom in mind. Jesus is accomplishing His dream. He’s done the impossible: beat death and bridged the gap between us and God. His dream is reality, and we have a chance to be a part of it.
  
No dream is “too big” for God, and He can use even the humblest of us to accomplish great things. I believe that... at least I think I do. From the way I’m acting, it doesn’t appear that I believe I can do anything. As I’ll write in my next post, I’m more like Vince and Pico before Rick’s death, or like Mutta in the first episode, than like Hibito or Rick. I recognize the gifts God has given me, and I know He can do much through me, but I’ve written my dreams off as just that: dreams and hobbies. Perhaps it’s time to step forward with a little more courage, and a little more faith. 

If I Had Shadow Clones, I Would...

I watched episode 311 of Naruto Shippuden yesterday. It wasn’t my favorite episode, since it wasn’t from the main plot (although, if a show is mostly fillers, backgrounds, and flashbacks, can we even call the actual story the “main” plot?). Plus the biggest conflict involved the old bathhouse tropes: peeping toms, body shape envy... you know the drill. It was also supposed to set up the Road to Ninja movie, which I’m in no hurry to watch anyway.

But I can’t complain too much. Shikamaru had a few lines, and I love that particular ninja. He’s so cool, and thoughtful... I love how he cleared his throat when he noticed his friends starting to talking about their moms wanting them home for dinner. No need to make Naruto feel lonelier about his ramen diet.

Anyway, there was a scene when poor Naruto was about to eat his instant ramen all alone on his day off. Bored, he decided to make two shadow clones to play a card game with him: winner would get the special limited edition ramen. Leave it to Naruto to garner both sympathy and amusement from the audience within a single second.

Some in the audience felt a third emotion, though: envy. We want shadow clones! One commenter said that if he had a shadow clone, he could both stay in bed and go to school. Sorry, pal, but that particular use of a clone has been dreamed about for decades. I’d like to hear other things people would do with shadow clones.

I can think of ten uses off the top of my head:

1. I’d have a real me to argue with when I nag myself to get homework done or go to bed. My shadow clone would literally drag me out from under my covers.
2. We could multitask in the kitchen and focus on more dishes at once... and talk to people without losing count of cups of flour.
3. I’d have a panel of Annalyns to talk with when I’m stuck with my writing. We could even role play, with each me being a different one of my characters, and another one writing down everything we did. That would be such a fun way to brainstorm!
4. I could play Boggle with myself, since my family won’t play me anymore.
5. My shadow clone could count how many reps of certain exercises I do, so I can focus on form and breathing.
6. I could get two more Twitter accounts with the same profile pictures and similar names, set my clones up on different devices, and argue with myself. I could do the same thing on Facebook. 
7. We’d play duets on the piano.
8. I could pretend I’ve found my long-lost twin, then, on April Fool’s Day, lock her up and announce to my friends that she’s under observation to make sure she’s not evil.
9. We could surround my dog when he runs off and refuses to come back in, instead of resorting to bribery.
10. I’d always have someone to unashamedly fangirl with about anime and otome games.

What would you do if you could conjure up shadow clones as easily as Naruto can? 

Me and Mutta: An Oldest Sibling's Pride

I started this post at the end of December and completely forgot about it. It’s been over five months since I wrote the first several paragraphs, and I’ve already learned more about contentment in the time that has passed. Yet I wanted to return to these thoughts, finish them, and share them before my next couple Space Brothers releated posts. Anything I add to what I wrote in December will be in [brackets], and what I take out will have a strikethrough. 

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Lil Sis is growing up. I’m not going to tell you what prompted that statement; she’d kill me if I blabbed about her business to the world wide web. But it’s true. Sometimes, I forget she’s still in high school. Yes, she still acts her age on occassion, but in other ways, she’s really maturing. 

Lil Sis and I are very different. Our interests rarely coincide. She’s tried various instruments and eventually, thanks to a program at our high school, landed on guitar and voice. I stuck to piano lessons until high school, when I decided formal training was too much for me to balance (though I still enjoy playing). She tried cheerleading, but volleyball ended up being her sport. I prefer not to have big, hard, round things flying at me, and I didn’t pick up running until after high school. She thrives in the social sphere. I’m more comfortable in the blogosphere, and that only when I have the energy.

Young Hibito and Mutta, Space Brothers, Ep 1

While our differences can make conversation topics difficult, I am thankful Lil Sis and I have rarely pursued the same fields. I’m not sure I could handle the competition. I’m pretty sure she’d be like Namba Hibito from Space Brothers, while I, insecure and painfully practical, would be left behind like the older brother, Mutta.

Mutta has the same delusional idea that I’ve often had: the older sibling should always be one step ahead of the younger. That’s a pride issue that I’ve had to ask forgiveness for. When we were younger, I thought I always needed to be taller. For the sake of my pride, I put the idea behind me before she surpassed by height by two inches. I once thought I should graduate college two years before Lil Sis. For mental health reasons, I took a year off, so I’m only a year ahead now. I also wanted to get married and have kids before Lil Sis. It’s not like she’s engaged or anything, but at this rate, I won’t be surprised if she’s married years before anyone courts me (to me, courting means dating with a purpose, with God and family involved). Lil Sis is ahead of me socially, and I’m learning to accept that. 

Mutta, too, had to come to terms with his brother reaching his dreams long before him. In episode 30, I believe it was, when he’s at NASA waiting for Hibito to launch into space, Mutta compares his feelings to the uncertain weather of the day. He’s proud of his little brother, of course, but he’s also jealous. It’s a 50/50 split, and he can’t decide which way his feelings will go. 

I’d like to say I’ve never been jealous of my sister. I’ve told myself that several times. I’m a Christian and a supportive, loving older sister, so I can’t be jealous! But, if I’m honest with myself, jealousy pops into my heart at times. My sister is beautiful. I don’t consider myself unattractive (except perhaps in the morning), but I don’t quite have the same charasmatic looks and demeanor as Lil Sis. I’ve bypassed jealousy by saying that it’s inner beauty that counts, or that our looks are so different that we’re pretty in different ways (which is true enough: people are always surprised to find out that yes, we’re sisters, and no, we’re not step- or half- sisters). Lil Sis has an amazing voice. And it’s not bias speaking there; it took me a while to enjoy her singing myself, thanks to her purposefully annoying screech-singing when we were younger. [I, on the other hand, have a passable voice that’s usually on tune if the song is in the right range and I haven’t had too much milk or something else to clog my throat and the sun is the right position in the sky...].

Thankfully, I have my own strengths, areas where Lil Sis probably won’t surpass me. This could be a bad thing, depending on how you look at it, since it can feed my pride if I’m not careful.

Added 6/8/13: I don’t like it when I’m prideful. It twists how I view myself and others, keeps me from seeing things with a Godly persepective, and opens the door to unpleasant feeings, including jealousy on one end and contempt on the other. 

Ultimately, it’s about comparing myself to others, whether it’s Lil Sis or someone else. Using other imperfect people to measure myself is unpleasant and uneffective. Not only does it prevent me from being content with how God has made me, but it also keeps me from striving toward all God has for me. If I use Jesus as a measure, I find that I fall short in every way. In fact, everyone falls short the same amount. Any level of trait we have is nothing compared to the infinite goodness and power that Jesus has. And my nothing is neither better nor worse than Lil Sis’s nothing, or Namba Mutta’s nothing, or even yours. 

Like Mutta, I’m learning more about who I am, and I have less need to compare myself to Lil Sis or race her to our life goals. I’m taking my own path, at my own pace.

Pride is ugly, and I’ll always have to deal with it. Jealousy is just as ugly, and because of pride, harder to admit. I don’t want either of these to come between me and Lil Sis, let alone me and God. I’m so thankful that Lil Sis and I are overcoming our teen years and learning to be sisters, adults, and friends. I thankful that she loves me and doesn’t seem to be embarrassed of me in social situations, despite my past fears. And, pardon me for saying this, but I’m proud of her. Lil Sis is growing up. I was at school for much of her figurative growth spurt this past year, but I’m glad to be back and be a part of it. I continue to grow up myself, and it’s a joy as I continue to discover what’s in store for me and my loved ones. 

Phases of Fandom: Enjoying Cheesiness

*Peeks out of hole and waves shyly*

So, after chronically neglecting this place, completing my first year of college, finishing the rough draft of At His Whim, and very briefly considering abandoning the blog altogether, I return. I'm not I wasn't going to say much in this post. It's more an attempt to get the ball rolling again than anything else.

I do, however, want to say this: I'm noticing myself go through phases of anime fandom. So far, I can identify at least two, and I think (hope) I'm in a third one:

1. The Naruto Phase

Many, many new fans go through this phase, and some never seem to leave it. Don't get me wrong; I still follow Naruto Shippuden (barely... I'm really behind at the moment). And there's nothing wrong with loving it even decades after joining otakudom. But I'd consider shows like Naruto, Bleach, and One Piece to be gateway anime, along with The Wallflower and Ouran High School Host Club. When I first entered the anime world with Naruto, I did not know what fillers were (I miss that blissful ignorance). I had not seen enough anime to recognize cliches. Heavens, I wasn't even as aware of fan service back then! I was just happy to find that Japan, unlike the U.S., had a lot of shows with prolonged story lines. I soaked up all the new types of humor and culture, squealed like a fangirl (okay, I still do that), and started to learn the category names (thankfully, I didn't learn words like "hentai" and "yaoi" the hard way like some people did).

2. The Snob Phase

This is the phase I'm trying to leave. This phase is hyper-critical. By this point, I'd discovered glorious gems such as Gungrave, Baccano! and Miyazaki's films (why it took me so long to watch his work, I do not know). I became hyper-sensetive to cliches, started to read and even write a couple of reviews on Anime-Planet, and began to feel like I had to defend my love for Naruto. One of my reviews from near the beginning of this phase makes me cringe, it was so mean.

3. The Balanced Phase

I'm still trying to achieve this one, but I think I've made a step in the right direction: I just finished Uta no Prince-sama: Maji Love 1000%. Yes, it is as cheesy as the name sounds. But who cares? I used to love reverse harem style anime (especially before I realized that fan service can be aimed at girls just as well as at guys). I loved the idea of several young men caring about me. I can't enjoy these shows as purely as I once could. But worst case scenario, I can laugh. I can make a game of guessing which cliche way a character is going to respond in a cliche situation. And, if I try to clear my mind, I can almost feel the squeals and sighs coming on again.

From left to right: Height Complex, Personality Disorder, Special Secret, Enthusiastic Red, Sophisticated, Rich Flirt with Sob Story, and in front, with her back to us, Plain Pushover Girl. Ep 13 of Uta no Prince-sama. 

I'm not going to lower my standards. Now that Another, Gungrave, and other quality anime have graced my screen, shows like Uta no Prince-sama don't have the charm they once had for me. But I don't want to remain so snobby that I can't find joy in a Naruto filler like I used to. Most of these shows were made purely to entertain, not to be award-winning masterpieces. I want to learn to put aside my criticalness, sit back, relax, and let myself be entertained... even if the cheesiness itself is my entertainment.