A Long Overdue Goodbye

I haven't posted here since June. I started a long, sentimental goodbye post in the fall, but then I got distracted. So here I am.

The short version:

I'm officially done writing on this blog and officially done reading comments. If you want to check out more of my writing, see my column at Beneath The Tangles, where I write about anime and Christianity alongside a great team of fellow Christian anime fans.

The not-so-short version: 

I started this blog in May 2008. I was a freshman in high school, not even 15 years old yet. A lot has changed in the past 7.6 years. I started to struggle with depression and anxiety and continued to struggle with them until after I graduated high school in 2011. I was a train wreck, so I took a year off before college—which I started in the fall of 2012, as a math education major.

After trying various classes and thinking through my talents and dreams, I became a creative writing major at the end of 2013 (creative writing—stories and poems—is the reason I started this blog in the first place, but I later doubted that writing could have a big place in my life). Earlier in 2013, I started my first weekly column, and I generally kept to my blogging schedule here until I started a column at Beneath the Tangles in February 2015.

About a month ago, in December 2015, I graduated from college with a major in Creative Writing and a minor in Biblical Studies. I didn't get a ceremony yet—I'm walking with my classmates in the spring—but I've completed my undergraduate studies.

It's time to officially move on from Annalyn's Thoughts. But to what?

I'm still aniblogging. I post weekly at Beneath the Tangles—my column is called Annalyn's Corner. I love being part of the staff there. You can hear some of the reasons why in the latest podcast, if you want—it's easy to identify my voice, since the other four ladies at BtT weren't able to participate.

The links over on the "Connect with Me" page are still valid, too (as of this post, at least), so you can find me on Tumblr and Twitter if you want. I'm not sure what I'm going to do about my Facebook page for this blog. I might keep it going, just so I have a way to connect with Facebook folk and share my BtT blog posts without using my main account. We'll see.

Annalyn's Thoughts will always be dear to me, full of precious memories—like a combination of a physical location and a journal. I did a lot of growing up here, gained a lot of confidence, learned a lot... Someday, I may start a new blog. But I think it's important that, should that happen, it's a fresh start.

To those who have read my blog up until now: Thank you! I've really appreciated your support. It means a lot to me that you've taken time to read my writing and even comment on occasion. Thank you for your kind words over the years. Those of you who have commented are a part of some dear memories here, so special thanks to you.

Schedule? What Schedule?

It's Saturday night. I only worked six hours today, but the accumulative effects from this week (scratch that—this month!) have me exhausted. I lounge on my bed, watching TV, browsing a few posts on Beneath the Tangles… and then I realize: It's Saturday. Yesterday was Friday. I should have posted a Rewind or Origins post!

Here's the deal: I'm busy, and it's not like during school, when I look at my planner multiple times a day to see what homework I have and what I'm supposed to do. Thus, I don't write "blog post" in a slot for Friday evenings, and I definitely don't check to see what I planned to write.

I want to write. I need to write, for my sake. And I have written a little. In fact, I started a post related to The Kawai Complex Guide to Manors and Hostel Behavior, and I hope to finish it soon.

But I haven't figured out how to make writing (of any type) a priority in my already full schedule. And that's not the only thing I've left out. I haven't spent much time with God, or doing chores. I don't particularly like the messy state of my room. In some ways, my scheduling is worse than during the school year. I'm used to my college life, including the stressors involved. I'm not used to balancing work and internship stuff.

While I'm working, I help customers best I can, smiling as much as appropriate. I move almost constantly at the store and try to let my mistakes roll off my back. When I work for the publishing company, I sound professional on the phone and generally do what I can, learning all the while. But when I come home, I collapse.

For the first time, my summer is more about work than play or writing. This marks another step into adulthood, and I'm scrambling to keep up.

To all the (older) adults who work full time (particularly at retail stores) and live balanced lives: you are amazing. Someday, I want to be like you. And by someday, I mean next week, not in five years. In five years, I want to write or edit all day.

To said workers who also have kids: …wow. Just… wow. You are heroes.

It's not that I dislike any of my work. I'm just slow to adjust, and I'm clearly disoriented when it comes to days of the week. Sorry about that.

I'll post something more substantial soon. I think. No promises.

And no promises about Friday, either.

My Internal Calendar Broke in the Swamp

Oops. It was Friday a couple hours ago, wasn't it? I'm sorry. My internal schedule is kind of messed up right now. I worked last weekend, so I lost track of the days. I knew it was Friday because I knew when to show up at work. I also knew that I needed to plan some internship-related stuff around the incoming weekend. Somehow, I didn't connect those facts with the fact that it's Origin/Rewind/Blog post day.

Welp, it's already Saturday. I missed my window of opportunity, and I need to sleep a while before going to work. So, instead of an Origins post… I'll give a quick update on me. This summer is a lot busier for me than last summer was.

First, I was blessed with an internship at a small publishing company. As my regular readers probably know, I am a creative writing major. I like to write, edit, and generally work with words. So this is a wonderful opportunity. And they're willing to work around my work schedule, which is great.

A screenshot from Servant x Service's OP. This show and Working!!
have been on my mind a lot lately, for obvious reasons. If those
characters can hold a normal job, then so can I. 

I spent several weeks job hunting, filling out applications, and waiting for phone calls. Finally, we finished the application process at a retail chain store. It's a part time, seasonal job… but I started out at 40-hour weeks (mostly for training purposes, I think). I have less hours now, but I'm still working five days out of seven.

The other cashiers tell me that my feet will eventually adjust to this work. I'm trying to believe them.

I like my job. My coworkers and customers are all wonderful. I've only encountered one or two grumpy customers—and I didn't even realize one of them was grumpy, because a coworker spotted the signs and came over to help before it got bad. People are generally kind and understanding when they realize that I'm new… and that's a really good thing, because there is a lot involved in cashiering. I'm slowly getting better, but I still ask a lot of questions and make mistakes. And some of the mistakes make me want to crawl into a nice, cozy hole for the rest of the summer.

Since I'm down to part time hours now, I can do more for the publishing company… like make phone calls. Phones kind of scare me. My first fear comes before I touch the phone: What if it's a bad time? Then, as I start dialing: Careful, I don't want a wrong number. Let's triple check this. Then: Okay, don't fumble the words.

I have a script, which helps (I rarely make any kind of phone call without planning what I say first). It also helps to know that I'm helping the people I call. And I have pretty good phone skills, even though I get nervous about it.

Basically, I have a lot of opportunities to grow this summer. I'm working hard, facing my fears, and learning. It's good for me, and often fun. But school is starting to look more relaxing… no, I take that back. April was stressful. I might be busy this summer, but at least I always get more than two hours of sleep at night.

Speaking of sleep, it's way past night-night time. G'night! Good morning! Next Friday, remind me what day it is!

Rewind: Kaichou wa Maid-sama!

Many teenage girls learn to squeal and giggle about boys with their friends... or at least, that's what I imagine. I didn't talk about that kind of thing very much, and I didn't have any crushes. I was too practical, too shy, and too unwilling to objectify men. Those last two traits explain themselves, but in regards to practicality... I didn't plan to date until I reached the marrying age. Nothing but disappointment could come from getting prematurely excited about some male classmate (particularly since I didn't have the guts to talk to most of them). And I really didn't get other girls' obsession with actors like Orlando Bloom. Thus, I discovered my squeal while watching shoujo anime like Kaichou wa Maid-sama.

Usui in glasses. Episode 19. When I first watched this, I was
surprised how much those thin loops of wire on his face affected
me... I just realized that his shirt's open in this pic. I was too
focused on his face to see that before.

I discovered other things, too. Anime bishounen in glasses caused a certain happiness in my chest, similar to the feeling I got when I saw a character do something romantic. I felt free to stare at these bishounen, such as Usui Takami in Kaichou wa Maid-sama!, in a way I couldn't look at real people (not even actors in a movie). I knew Usui wouldn't catch me looking. 

Don't misunderstand; I'm not talking about lust. In fact, in that first year or two of anime watching, I was too naive to recognize a lot of the innuendo in what I watched. For example, in Kaichou wa Maid-sama!, the main character, Misaki, works at a maid cafe. At the time, I had almost entirely innocent connotations with these kinds of things. And, honestly, a lot of things went over my head. When I re-watch episodes, I realize that a lot of it went over Misaki's head, too. For example, near the end of episode 7, when the maid cafe is having a cross dressing day, two female customers discuss the role Misaki would have if she were a guy in a yaoi coupling. Misaki doesn't understand their lingo, and I probably still wouldn't understand it if I hadn't continued hanging around otaku corners of the internet.

I'm not saying that Kaichou wa Maid-sama! isn't good to watch. Nor am I saying that my mind was completely innocent during my junior and senior years of high school. But things were different. I was different; I don't enjoy this type of shoujo anime nearly as much as I did three years ago. Okay, actually, maybe I do enjoy it, just with a little more discretion. And let's face it; some of the recent shoujo, especially reverse harems like Brothers Conflict, could disillusion almost anyone. I should probably finish re-watching Kaichou wa Maid-sama! within the next couple weeks to remind myself why this stuff can be good.

What did I like about it? I vaguely remember some really good themes, but it's been a long time since I watched the whole thing. I know that, to some extent, I was still enamored by the shoujo anime world, a world different enough from my real life to be fantasy, even if there was no magic in it. The exaggerated characters and situations made me laugh. I had fun. 

I lived through the characters to some extent, as is usually the case. Misaki is pretty cool: she's strong, inspirational, and hardworking. But she does have weaknesses, which make her relatable. Plus, Usui is interested her. He's strong, good-looking, and amusing to watch, as many anime characters are. And he can be quite the knight in shining armor when he needs to be. Sure, he has some serious character flaws -  the way he teases Misaki could get him a sexual harassment charge. But, obviously, he's an anime character, so I can (and did) forgive him such faults.

I do wonder Usui's type of character, though. He's good at heart, but he can be a jerk. I've seen it in other shoujo fare, most notably Itazura na Kiss (although I'm not sure how good Irie's heart actually is). It's appeared in an abundance of fiction written by teen girls on Wattpad, too. Something about that character is attractive, at least in fictional form. Perhaps it's just that he's flawed, which makes him relatable, yet there's good in him, and it's most obvious when he's in love... making the girl a kind of savior, which is probably an ego boost. 

Of course, right after I said all that cynical stuff, I went and re-watched episode 8. I saw all the devices they were using to get me hyped up (including the music). I knew what they were doing. And I've

*Squeal*

watched a lot more Law and Order: SVU since the last time I watched this, so the scene felt more intense. When Usui swooped in to save Misaka, I let out a little squeak, even though I was in a criticizing mood and knew exactly what was happening. The mangaka, director, etc. are good at their craft, that's for sure.

Right before Usui burst in to save Misaki, she whispered his
name. She's tough, but even she needs saving sometimes, and
Usui is always there.

But I've spent far too much time on this already. Perhaps I'll speculate about shoujo characters in a more thorough post someday (don't count on it, though). For now, I need to wrap this up. I have a paper I'd like to finish tonight (it was actually due this afternoon, but I couldn't manage it), and quite a bit of writing and studying to do over the next five or so days. Then, I will finally be free for another summer.  And not a moment too soon. If I didn't love school so much, I'd hate it right now. I'm so sleep deprived, the mere idea of climbing under my covers for a good night's sleep makes me giggle in delight.

Watamote and Feeling Left Behind

Growing up ain’t pretty, and it rarely happens the way you expect. There are pretty parts to it, sure. For example, I really liked my prom dress. But, a lot of the time, those awkward years feel a whole lot more like WataMote (aka Watashi ga Motenai no wa Dou Kangaetemo Omaera ga Warui!, aka No Matter How I Look at it, It's Your Guys' Fault I'm Unpopular!) than, say, The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi. And, unfortunately, there’s no rule that says you graduate from all those in-between feelings at the same time you graduate from high school.

Screenshot from WataMote ep 2. Tomoko isn't
quite as popular as she'd hoped to be.

Tomoko’s a high school first year, and this stage of her life isn’t going as well as expected. She feels like she's behind where she should be. I’ve often felt quite similarly. Maybe you have, too.

Today, my mom and I talked to a childhood playmate of mine. He’s grown up a lot, and seems like a very responsible young man as he thinks about college, work, money, and a serious relationship. My little sister has been working her current job for over a year, she’s had a car for almost as long, and she just got married. A childhood friend is married, about to finish college, and appears to be a wonderful, mature, godly member of the adult word (but still as fun as always). Other friends have moved out of their parents' houses, gone to other cities, held down jobs, and paid their own rent. 

Sometimes, I feel like I’m being left behind. 

I don’t have a steady job. Last year, I had a work study position that gave me five hours a week, and I'm hoping to get at least that many hours again this year, but it's not guaranteed. In fits of insecurity, I’ve talked myself out of applying to other jobs that I might have been able to get. I still rely heavily on my parents for the necessities of life, although I buy a few things on my own, such as clothing and school books. I don’t have my own car. 

Yes, I realize I'm not the only one my age who's in this position, even among my friends. But my perspective isn't always so clear.

I used to think that when I hit college, I’d be an adult, able to function mostly on my own. After all, my parents met in college, and they got married when Mom was 19 and Dad was 22. They both had jobs and, obviously, lived away from their parents. Plus, at 18, I’d legally be an adult. That meant I should have a job and be fairly independent, right?

When high school rolled around and I still wasn’t comfortable around guys, I realized that my life wasn’t going to play out like my mom’s. I was truly okay with that. 

Then, when high school graduation approached, despite my pleas for time to slow down, I was a train wreck and realized that I needed to take a year off from school. I wasn’t mentally or emotionally ready to move on with my life. That was a hard decision, but it took a burden off my shoulders. Eventually, I came to terms with the fact that I’d be a year behind many of my former classmates once I did enter college.

Then, last year, I finally went off to school. I’d grown a lot, but I was still reliant on my parents to help me maneuver the “adult world” and the things that came with it, like job searching, taking out loans, and understanding all the stuff that the school’s business and financial aid offices sent me.

I’ve had to let go of many of my old expectations for the young-adult-me. I’ve also had to tell myself not to play the comparing game. 

This isn’t anything new. I started to feel left behind many years ago, when I noticed some of my childhood friends "growing up" without me. I remember wondering if my slightly older friend would still like to play “childish” make believe games with me, and being too insecure to ask her. That was when I was ten. By the time I was sixteen, I felt like she was even further ahead of me, out of my reach.

All of these feelings add up, and they are a large part of how I relate to Tomoko in Watamote. Tomoko has all these expectations about how life will change in high school. High school status will eliminate her social awkwardness. She’ll be a respectable high schooler, and popular with the boys. 

As it turns out, entering high school isn’t quite as magical as Tomoko expected. It’s not just that the boys don’t care about her. She goes months without talking to anyone at school, male or female. Her social anxiety is stronger than ever. 

Still, Tomoko isn’t completely alone. She has a friend from middle school, an otaku like herself. She remembers her friend, Yuu, as being even more awkward than she was. When they get together for the first time in a long time, Tomoko is startled to see that Yuu is more fashionable than before. Still, they have a wonderful time talking about their fandoms, playing games, and just hanging out as if nothing had changed since middle school. For once, Tomoko is able to relax, lose some of her self consciousness, and enjoy friendship. 

Then, at the end of the day, Yuu drops the bomb: she’d been upset and needed time with Tomoko because she had her first fight with her boyfriend. Her boyfriend! 

A not so happy ending to a happy day in episode 2.

With that, all of Tomoko’s feelings of security go out the window. She once felt like the leader, like she had better social skills than shy Yuu-chan. Now, she watches her cheerful friend run off, and she’s left behind. She puts on her headphones and retreats within herself once more. 

My heart aches for Tomoko as she stands alone. It’s bad enough that her high school self doesn’t meet her expectations. Now, she’s not just behind her expectations; in her mind, she’s behind her only friend. 

That sucks. At least I can recognize that my old expectations for myself were unrealistic. I can also recognize that my peers and I have different strengths and weaknesses. It’s been a struggle at times, but I strive not to compare myself to them. Compared to God, we’re all equally inadequate anyway, so I try not to use my friends to measure myself. Besides, my understanding of those around me isn’t completely accurate. For all I know, I could be as off base about them as Tomoko usually is.

I still feel inadequate and left behind at times. I combat these feelings with truth about who I am as God’s daughter, and about who He’s made me to be. I talk with people I trust to straighten out potentially twisted thinking about myself and others. Usually, that means a conversation with my mom. 

I am me. Thus, it makes sense that my young womanhood is different than my sister’s or my friends’. And I’m human, so life won’t go smoothly. My expectations and reality won’t always match up. I can accept that... mostly.

I just wish Tomoko could come to the same conclusion. It’s painful to watch her, yet I will continue to endure it in the hope that, someday, things will get better. The process might not be pretty, but if she revises her expectations, she might discover what I have: it's fine to be "left behind," because, in truth, her path is different from Yuu's. It's her own. And if she allows her perspective to change, she'll find that her path isn't all bad, even if it doesn't match up with her anime-inspired dreams.

Away from the Nest - Home is Changing

I’ve been busy lately. It’s been weeks since I last watched anime. I’m sure I’ll get back into anime near-obsession mode again soon. But for now, I’m content with my current focuses. 

One of the interesting things about being away from the nest is packing. Instead of packing to leave home, I pack my bag to go home. My parents’ house is becoming a vacation spot, rather than the place I always am. It’s strange, but it feels like a natural transition - probably because it is.

Of course, there are a few things about it that rock my boat. For example, last time I went home, Mom mentioned that she’d like to paint my room. She’d already switched the bed from my queen to a double. I was okay with that, even if she moved the bed away from its corner in the process. But painting it? Nuh-uh. I informed her that if she painted it this early, I’d cry. Change is hard enough for me; let’s take it easy. I love the current color in my room. I even remember the exact name of it: Bonnie Lake. I’m not ready for it to change, even if I’m away more often than I’m home. It’s bad enough that Lil Sis has taken over my drawer in the bathroom. No need to take over my bedroom, too. Not yet.

Another thing I’ve noticed: my parents’ house is longer my only home. The fact that I just referred to it as “my parents’ house” shows it. Similarly, my aunt’s house is longer just her house; it’s my home, too. This can get confusing, since “home” means different places depending on the context. I think it makes Mom a little sad when I’m with her and I talk about “going home,” and I’m referring to my aunt’s house. My parents’ house will always be my home, and it will always be special. But it’s changing. It four years, God willing, I’ll live on my own in another city, and “home,” my parents’ house, will really be a place I only visit. It’s a gradual change, and a little bittersweet. And I’m more okay with it than I’d have thought two years ago. 

I’ll have another home in about a month: my dorm at college. I don’t know for sure that I got into my first choice of the dorms. But either way, I will soon have a new room to call home. This time, I won’t live with any of my family. Yet I’m ready for this particular change, more ready that I would have been just a year ago. 

So, home is changing, and will continue to change. It’s a little sad, but very exciting. 

Noble, my aunt's cat and my buddy.
I'll miss him when I leave.

Evil Fire Alarms... Or Things I Learned While Housesitting

I'm a fairly young person. Fresh out of high school, still living with my parents, and all too aware of my inexperience. I've stayed home alone and housesitted before, but not for much longer than a week. So housesitting for my grandparents for almost twenty days was quite the experience. I shopped for myself, I cooked for myself, and I changed fire alarm batteries for myself. Here's what I learned:

1. Scrambled eggs are best with a little milk in them.

2. Cooking hamburgers on the stove takes patience. You don't need to turn the stove above medium, and... it's a really good thing I like my burgers well done.

3. Nowadays, they connect fire alarms so that if one goes off, they all go off. And it might not be because of smoke. It could be a dead battery, dust, or dead bugs. Or one of the six alarms could be old and bored and just feel like conspiring to render you deaf.

4. Adams peanut butter, chocolate syrup, and whipped cream make a wonderful dessert.

5. I used to say that I could sleep through a fire. After hearing those piercing alarms, I have learned that there is no chance of me sleeping through a fire. At all.

6. I eat too much dairy and peanut butter.

7. The people who created fire alarms decided to try to cause more damage to your ears than the fire and smoke will do to the house. (Okay, this one is just a hypothesis)

8. Some garbage disposals don't operate using a switch. Instead, you put something that looks like a thermos lid into the drain and twist it.

9. Circuit breakers aren't always easily accessible. In fact, they may not even be visible. So hopefully you don't need the circuit breaker to fix the fire alarms.

10. The Hunter x Hunter found on Crunchyroll is a new version, not the one I saw two years ago. And it's great! I can't wait for the next episode.

So there you have it. I had a wonderful twenty days of taking care of a dog, watching anime, and learning about life. And household electronics... like smoke detectors. I'm just glad I was able to find the right batteries for those evil fire alarms.