Me and Mutta: An Oldest Sibling's Pride

I started this post at the end of December and completely forgot about it. It’s been over five months since I wrote the first several paragraphs, and I’ve already learned more about contentment in the time that has passed. Yet I wanted to return to these thoughts, finish them, and share them before my next couple Space Brothers releated posts. Anything I add to what I wrote in December will be in [brackets], and what I take out will have a strikethrough. 

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Lil Sis is growing up. I’m not going to tell you what prompted that statement; she’d kill me if I blabbed about her business to the world wide web. But it’s true. Sometimes, I forget she’s still in high school. Yes, she still acts her age on occassion, but in other ways, she’s really maturing. 

Lil Sis and I are very different. Our interests rarely coincide. She’s tried various instruments and eventually, thanks to a program at our high school, landed on guitar and voice. I stuck to piano lessons until high school, when I decided formal training was too much for me to balance (though I still enjoy playing). She tried cheerleading, but volleyball ended up being her sport. I prefer not to have big, hard, round things flying at me, and I didn’t pick up running until after high school. She thrives in the social sphere. I’m more comfortable in the blogosphere, and that only when I have the energy.

Young Hibito and Mutta, Space Brothers, Ep 1

While our differences can make conversation topics difficult, I am thankful Lil Sis and I have rarely pursued the same fields. I’m not sure I could handle the competition. I’m pretty sure she’d be like Namba Hibito from Space Brothers, while I, insecure and painfully practical, would be left behind like the older brother, Mutta.

Mutta has the same delusional idea that I’ve often had: the older sibling should always be one step ahead of the younger. That’s a pride issue that I’ve had to ask forgiveness for. When we were younger, I thought I always needed to be taller. For the sake of my pride, I put the idea behind me before she surpassed by height by two inches. I once thought I should graduate college two years before Lil Sis. For mental health reasons, I took a year off, so I’m only a year ahead now. I also wanted to get married and have kids before Lil Sis. It’s not like she’s engaged or anything, but at this rate, I won’t be surprised if she’s married years before anyone courts me (to me, courting means dating with a purpose, with God and family involved). Lil Sis is ahead of me socially, and I’m learning to accept that. 

Mutta, too, had to come to terms with his brother reaching his dreams long before him. In episode 30, I believe it was, when he’s at NASA waiting for Hibito to launch into space, Mutta compares his feelings to the uncertain weather of the day. He’s proud of his little brother, of course, but he’s also jealous. It’s a 50/50 split, and he can’t decide which way his feelings will go. 

I’d like to say I’ve never been jealous of my sister. I’ve told myself that several times. I’m a Christian and a supportive, loving older sister, so I can’t be jealous! But, if I’m honest with myself, jealousy pops into my heart at times. My sister is beautiful. I don’t consider myself unattractive (except perhaps in the morning), but I don’t quite have the same charasmatic looks and demeanor as Lil Sis. I’ve bypassed jealousy by saying that it’s inner beauty that counts, or that our looks are so different that we’re pretty in different ways (which is true enough: people are always surprised to find out that yes, we’re sisters, and no, we’re not step- or half- sisters). Lil Sis has an amazing voice. And it’s not bias speaking there; it took me a while to enjoy her singing myself, thanks to her purposefully annoying screech-singing when we were younger. [I, on the other hand, have a passable voice that’s usually on tune if the song is in the right range and I haven’t had too much milk or something else to clog my throat and the sun is the right position in the sky...].

Thankfully, I have my own strengths, areas where Lil Sis probably won’t surpass me. This could be a bad thing, depending on how you look at it, since it can feed my pride if I’m not careful.

Added 6/8/13: I don’t like it when I’m prideful. It twists how I view myself and others, keeps me from seeing things with a Godly persepective, and opens the door to unpleasant feeings, including jealousy on one end and contempt on the other. 

Ultimately, it’s about comparing myself to others, whether it’s Lil Sis or someone else. Using other imperfect people to measure myself is unpleasant and uneffective. Not only does it prevent me from being content with how God has made me, but it also keeps me from striving toward all God has for me. If I use Jesus as a measure, I find that I fall short in every way. In fact, everyone falls short the same amount. Any level of trait we have is nothing compared to the infinite goodness and power that Jesus has. And my nothing is neither better nor worse than Lil Sis’s nothing, or Namba Mutta’s nothing, or even yours. 

Like Mutta, I’m learning more about who I am, and I have less need to compare myself to Lil Sis or race her to our life goals. I’m taking my own path, at my own pace.

Pride is ugly, and I’ll always have to deal with it. Jealousy is just as ugly, and because of pride, harder to admit. I don’t want either of these to come between me and Lil Sis, let alone me and God. I’m so thankful that Lil Sis and I are overcoming our teen years and learning to be sisters, adults, and friends. I thankful that she loves me and doesn’t seem to be embarrassed of me in social situations, despite my past fears. And, pardon me for saying this, but I’m proud of her. Lil Sis is growing up. I was at school for much of her figurative growth spurt this past year, but I’m glad to be back and be a part of it. I continue to grow up myself, and it’s a joy as I continue to discover what’s in store for me and my loved ones.